November 2, 2011
There are days that I pass a sleeping baby in a stroller in Target and it takes every ounce of self control not to utilize my most super sleuth skills and silently steal that baby and snuggle him / her endlessly. I love babies, even at their crankiest. I love their chubby little legs, their drool covered chins and their toothless grins. Just seeing a baby sends my blackened heart into Mother Teresa mode. I get weepy and sentimental, my babies are becoming more and more like miniature adults as each day passes. Today was not one of those days. After the day I had with the lunatic trio, it is safe to say my new passion in life is creating birth control posters to plaster the universe with. The morning was actually off to a pretty smooth start and after dropping off the boys at school, the early afternoon followed the same pattern. Upon picking Thing One and Thing Two up at school, the ruckus began. It was subtle at first, so subtle that it was almost undetected by the naked eye. My eye is much too wise for that tomfoolery but a full blown crisis was averted. It was averted until we got home, consumed dinner at a speed that would make most gazelles green with envy and got started on 3rd grade homework! Spelling to be exact. I must credit Sophie and Pacey, my resident mini thugs. Sophie watched Annie and played silently and Pacey perfected the art of Yu-gi-oh card worship without incident. Ashton apparently had some inner spelling rage he needed to work out verbally and I was the lucky Mommie in charge! Cheese and Rice! Ashton is incredibly smart. I'm not just saying that because I am his mom and I only produce perfect and mini geniuses. I'm saying this because it is true. He is eight years old, a year ahead in school, in advanced classes and still flying through in a nonsensical way. I have no doubt in my mind that he could outscore me on any subject on any given day. No joke. I'm more than willing to account for my lack of knowledge in certain subjects because I am confident that I make up for that deficit with my smart ass charm and undeniable cuteness. That is my hope at least. Neither my cuteness or wise ass abilities helped me this evening though. Ashton was wound for sound! Not only was he in no mood to accomplish his spelling endeavors but he was hell bent on Mommie inevitably losing her shit and flailing objects around the room willy nilly. Of course Miss Sophie Anabelle used all the paper making letters to all of her friends and shoving them in the mailbox so there was no available paper on which he could do his homework. He is well aware of his sisters lust for writing and paper wasting and he is also aware that I purchased a ton of extra supplies for him to keep and bring home as needed and he chose not to. Pacey had ONE single sheet of paper he offered his brother in a rare act of good faith. Ashton, having inherited some of his mothers wise ass abilities, purposely wrote the wrong words and then over erased in a failed act of defiance and erased a dayum hole in the dayum piece of paper. Duuuuuuude. When I tell ya'll that I saw red, I flippin' saw red. RED. R E D! I envisioned Tyson chewing off Holyfield's ear. Not that I'm an ear biter, I'm not a biter at all but I can only imagine that Tyson felt at least slightly less enraged afterward. At this time I got my game plan in action. I figured my friends love me enough to do all that they could to contact Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Don King. Typically, Nancy Grace is my go to gal but with her Dancing shenanigans and twins, she might be slightly preoccupied. Needless to say, I feel these three gentleman can raise enough cash flow to bust me outta the clink IF and WHEN I finally react to the constant jackassery that I endure daily. I won't bore ya with the gory details but paper was purchased after a panic filled waiting period on his behalf thinking he was going to have to take a zero for this homework assignment and he did complete it effortlessly in less than fifteen minutes when presented the chance to do so with new paper. The point of this post is that I want a trophy. I want a trophy, a big ass mountain dew and taco bell. I want my trophy pink and bedazzled and fabulous and I want it engraved in fancy girly writing to say, "I came ----><---- THIS CLOSE to being on Dateline and I resisted the urge!" Make it happen.