December 30, 2011

Goodbye 2011...almost

It has certainly been one hell of a year, many down points but overall,I've been beyond blessed by the phenomenal people and pugs around me!

A quick rundown of jackassery that was not of my liking. Hmmm,let's see. Remember Sally Saturn? She was totally simple but I adored her and she took me everywhere I wanted to go safely and on time.....well, when *i* was on time anyway. One day, after taking thing one and thing two to school to get their education on, I turn a corner at the speed of barely moving and both front air bags deploy. Now,before you ask, I hit nothing. I'm a self admitted shitty driver,however,this time it was a clean turn, then *boom*

You know those car commercials with the test dummies and the airbags save the day? Let me be the first to assure you that those sumbitches are not soft and pillowy like commercials imply. And when they deploy,it smells like ass. Both my arms started to burn, then bruised immediately. It looked atrocious and felt worse but I healed quickly, Sally was restored and life in MimiLand went on as usual!

In June, on the last day of school, after an exhausting day at the kids school for Field Day, we left the school and headed on the highway towards Miami County. Out of nowhere, the steering wheel jerked to the left and I pulled to the shoulder of the road thinking we had a blow out. I put the hazards on and get out of the car, a very nice man stopped to help and noticed smoke coming from the car, he popped the hood and flames were shooting from beneath the hood. I think I temporarily lost ky shit,yelling for the boys to get out of the car while pulling them out of the car. I'm thankful Sophie was with my mom that day because her carseat would've proven to be such a.challenge and the fire was spreading quickly.

We got out and this very nice man took us somewhere safe,I called 911. The kids were hysterical, upset about the fire and crushed that their end of the year awards were gone forever.

The car was completely totalled, the boys awards,carseats and a billion cd's and my purse were gone but we were all safe!

Shortly before Ashton's 8th birthday, we had another minor setback. After a brain lapse by yours truly,I left an unattended candle in the ladies room and my very smart daughter,who had just visited the firestation and taught me all her fire safety knowledge, decided that dipping Kleenex in this candle would he phenomenal....and then tossing it in the trash for good measure. As it turns out,that is a recipe for a rather nice fire!

Sophie hid,Ashton walked by the bathroom,acted as a screeching alarm and alerted us immediately and it was just in time.

We were displaced for a few weeks but after some remodeling and a few mental breakdowns, all systems are a go! Whew!

On to the upside, I've met some really outstanding people this year!

There is the lovely Mommie to Salinger and Toby, Laura. She makes me laugh, has a generous heart and is an insane cook! She has also introduced me to the term jackassery,loves. I'm very much looking forward to our shoe date!

I must admit, I've been a lucky girl in the family department. We aren't very similar, we don't agree on much but I love these lunatics.

This year, I've been lucky enough to gain another sister and mom!  There is the ultra fabulous Lori, Otto's mom. As I've talked about before, Miss Lori has had one helluva mental and physical journey. We connected instantly, bonding especially over my baby pugs and her unbreakable love for her children.

As the put babies grew, little Otto stood out as the healer of Essentially,he was Sophie Anabelle's wing man and assistant 24-7. He sat in her baby stroller dutifully,being pushed all over this house and many walks on the walk way. He picked up everyday from school and I cannot confirm or deny his numerous undercover Target shopping trips. Everywhere he went, people fell in love. Dog people,cat people, happy people,sad people and everytime, without fail, he stole their hearts. His personality just begs to please the one he loves most and that is his Mommie,Lori.

Lori is the most loyal,honest and good hearted woman in the world. She is full of spirit,laughter and love. This year has been especially difficult for her with the enforced "disconnection" from her adult children, but she continues to astound me with her strength and integrity.

Otto had quite a few hiccups on his journey to California, I think Lori and I were both on pins and needles until he was safe in her arms! We texted each other constantly until I received the photo of Otto in her arms. He is such a California pug, charming everyone he meets and keeping a smile on his Mommie's face even in the  toughest moments. She is a remarkable friend and a stellar "sister".

Nonie,Lori's mom, is equally amazing. Without question,she accepted me into her life,heart and family and I'm incredibly lucky to have such a fabulous second Mom.

As always, I have my group of girls that entertain and tolerate me in public, God bless their brave souls. We even held the most amazing friends Thanksgiving,I cannot wait for next year. Amber,Jessica,Heather, I look forward to more hot tubbin,comedy club goin, lube jar drinkin shenanigans. I love you girls!

And my Kellie,I MISS YOU!!

Friends are the family you choose, the ones who stand beside you when all else seems to be falling apart.

December 15, 2011

I *almost* died!

Dear Jillian Michaels-----EFF you!

Lawd. Let me first say that I do not want Jillian Michaels body, I want most of it but I would elect to keep my boobs. In any event, to attempt to offset my plans to drink and gorge myself with yummy delights, I would step up my work out game. By "step up", I mean work out at all. Oy!

On hand, I have two dvd's of the excersize variety in possession. I'm not ashamed to admit that on more than one occasion I have watched the entire dvd with my ass planted firmly on the couch, devouring every morsel of a nachoes bell grander minus tomatoes and nacho cheese and beans.....aww screw it....its the chips with double beef, sour cream,lettuce and enough shredded cheese to feed a village in Uganda. And its scrumptious!

As it happened, Jillian was the first one in arms reach. Thirty day shred, I've got this. See,as you are well aware, my delusions have allowed me an unhealthy and grandiose self esteem. I know this because ill get dressed up for an epic girls night out and see photos afterward that is visual proof that I looked like a lumberjack. Ugh.

The dvd starts, let's stretch. Stretching commences and I'll admit, it feels good. I've drawn a crowd of flat faces watching with sheer concern on their faces. They know Mommie prefers to lounge in her chair and watch True Blood or Dexter as opposed to a scrawny chick with cohorts running around willy nilly. They are correct, Facebook misses me, I have unanswered texts and cinnamon bread in the kitchen.

This bitch went bananas in some circuit training frenzy. Jumping jacks,some horrific squat jump nonsense and push ups and do it again and spin around three times, bend over and kiss your ass good bye.

Now I'm just pissed, false effin advertising!!! I was promised a SHRED, a fluckin SHRED. This does not a shred make. It was a.Holy war, a massacre, an assassination of my soul and spirit.

At the end, for roughly thirty seconds, there's a cool down. Cool down my ASS. My entire body was numb and on fire, seriously, even my vagina hurt. The room started to fade, I saw WHITE. My life flashed before my eyes.....this has to be abusive.

Fast forward to today, I'm lounging on the couch and SWEETMOTHEROFGOD a pain shot through my left leg with a fury that could've only been rivaled by Oprah and Tom Cruise. It was the most asstastic cramp.....morphine anyone??

I'm truly afraid of what that sadistic wench has done to my mental well being.

Proof of lumberjack photogenic status is posted above, I thought I was giving Heidi Klum a run for her money, Oy! Nancy Grace maybe.

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December 11, 2011

Do you know what this is???

Once again, I've been bamboozled into entering the gates of hell, AKA Walmart, under the pretense of Pacey utilizing a birthday gift card that was rendering him clinically insane with ever second that it remained in his posession.

With speed and ease, he quickly settled on a large pig from Angry Birds and five packages of go go's. Sweet, in less than ten minutes, this horrifying visit would be over.

Guess again fella's, every single check out late had huge lines so we headed towards the express check outs, you know, twenty items or less. Walmart either has high hopes or they don't give a shit, because you and I both know that these mf'ers can't count or read. We get in the shortest line....which isn't short....and the.doucje in front of me has at LEAST fifty items,at least. This photo above, is ONE counterfull out of FIVE.

Pacey asks loudly (he has two vokumes, loud and even effin louder than that) why people come in that lane if they have too many items. Preaching to the choir dude! I'm instituting a policy in which having an overabundance of items in an express lane will result in being kicked to sleep!!

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December 10, 2011

Bertie's Puggilicious Transport

Today, as a family, we loaded up Lucie Lancer and headed towards Indianapolis on a very important mission:to help take part in taking the fabulous Miss Bertie to her foster home.

It is always heartwarming to see and meet so many people willing and devoted to helping these sweet souls find their forever families. Bertie is a "mature" lady and also has a special cart to help her get around as her back legs don't function.

Upon meeting her,her sweet face melted my heart. She is adorable and such a snuggly little lady!!! She instantly began her quest to meet the hooligans in the back. Fearing she would hurt herself, I relented and placed her on Pacey's lap where she dozed off.

Once we arrived at our destination, we put her in her cart.and off she went! She chased the kids, went potty and chased the kids some more. It was such a.blessing to meet this sweet flat face!! If you are looking to add a furry companion to your family,please consider a rescue. They have an appreciation and devotion that is unmatched!

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Bertie's Puggilicious Transport

Today, as a family, we loaded up Lucie Lancer and headed towards Indianapolis on a very important mission:to help take part in taking the fabulous Miss Bertie to her foster home.

It is always heartwarming to see and meet so many people willing and devoted to helping these sweet souls find their forever families. Bertie is a "mature" lady and also has a special cart to help her get around as her back legs don't function.

Upon meeting her,her sweet face melted my heart. She is adorable and such a snuggly little lady!!! She instantly began her quest to meet the hooligans in the back. Fearing she would hurt herself, I relented and placed her on Pacey's lap where she dozed off.

Once we arrived at our destination, we put her in her cart.and off she went! She chased the kids, went potty and chased the kids some more. It was such a.blessing to meet this sweet flat face!! If you are looking to add a furry companion to your family,please consider a rescue. They have an appreciation and devotion that is unmatched!

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I received the most perfect gift today!! Otto's Mommie and one of my besties send me such a fantastic gift!

It was a hectic and chaotic day, I came home to a package. I opened it to find the sweetest paw print wrapping paper and a note from my bestie and Otto, my self appointed family.

Upon opening the gift, I was speechless, it is beautiful,stunning perfect. I am now showcasing this spectacular gift in my family room.

I love you guys!!!!!!!

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December 8, 2011

California Pug!

Otto is loving his ultra posh life in sunny California! I've been insanely blessed this his Mommie loves me enough to keep me updated on his current adventures.

You would think with the constant chaos we have in Mimi Land that we wouldn't have much time to dwell on Otto's absence but it is still a major adjustment for us. I miss the faint clicking of his pink puggie nails ( I painted them ONCE while he was asleep and it was seriously cute!) following me everywhere I went, I miss his miniature flat faced judges for treats and seeing Sophie's empty baby stroller tears me up every time. He loves his stroller rides around the house,lol, really he did. All sadness aside, I'm overwhelmed and overjoyed in knowing that little Otto is *exactly* where he was always meant to he and I'm the luckiest lady ever to he able to watch him grow up with one of my best friends on earth, a true angel with the kindest heart and surrounded by a loving and adoring family.

This social butterfly is making friends, breaking hearts and spreading puggie love in sunny California!!!!

Lori (Otto's Mommie) sent me a video of his awesome skills, my favorite part is when he stops to admire himself in the mirror!! I love you guys!!!

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I'm a heterosexual married mother of three stunning and brilliant children settled deep in the asscrack of Indiana. I've always been a pretty free thinker and generally accepting of all people no matter what color they are,what religion they believe in or who they love. If we don't unite and love and accept each other, then what the hell is the point??

This morning I woke up to this video on my Facebook and fury swept through my body instantly. A man entered a convienence store to purchase a beverage and left threatened, dehumanized and shaken up. Why,you may ask??? Because he is gay. Are you kidding me?????

I'm personally not offended that he BORN THIS WAY, I am offended that some inbred, cousin dating asshole with hatred seeping through his pores exists and that our state....our country does not protect its tax paying citizens.

We need to DO something. We can't stand by and watch these stories mount up, our children are watching us and learning from us. Let's teach them to ACT, TO LOVE,TO ACCEPT.


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December 7, 2011


See this!!! My puggie coalition (minus Cullen who was galloping at full speed with a pair of Victoria's Secret panties hanging out of his mouth) snuggled together on the couch, Tru's arm around Bella. Damn, I love these flat faces!

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December 6, 2011



We finally get home this evening start the nightly homework shenanigans.  Tonight Pacey, my resident wise ass and mini me in training is cooperative and finishes his spelling perfectly while straight A Ashton stares at his book mindlessly as if the the only thing he required to complete this look would be a drool cup. I looked over his assignment and all he has to accomplish is reading ONE CHAPTER and answering five questions.

He continues to stare while Sophie and Pacey start a movie. He asks for help, I get up and sit next to him and discover that by "help" he really wanted me to read it for him and relay the answers to the questions. That kind of "help".

This eight year old kid, a third grader that is a year ahead in school and routinely reads entire Big Nate and Diary of a Wimpy Kid books in a single evening wants me to believe one chapter of a Beverly Clearey book is too intense and challenging for him thus evening. The same kid that is at a sixth grade reading level, yeah. Clearly, his lust of laziness has no bounds.

We break for dinner then reconvene the homework marathon while the pugs make cheetah like laps around the house and Sophie is using the living room sofa as a jungle gym and Pacey has begun his newest monologue on the newest,most amazing item that he needs desperately. Oy. There's Ashton,staring at the book, drool forming in the corner of his mouth. Eff. Feeling highly irritated,I hand over homework duties to the adult penis haver in the house hoping a change would jumpstart his productivity. Ha, jokes on me! Bullshiiiiiit buddy.

Now, the pugs have entered the orgy and asslicking part of their evening adventures, Sophie now has the intense urge to take the browns to the superbowl and the adult penis haver is over the Helen Keller act Ashton is putting on.

"Fine, put your homework away and go to bed. Tomorrow you can explain why your homework isn't finished and stay in for recess. I'm on Team Teacher dude!"

I leave the room to accompany Sophie in the dropping of the deuces because as much as I crave peeing alone,she requires an audience and the pugs are happy to oblige. I've got my caboose perched on the edge of the tub, Sophie is on  the throne and four flat faces have squished inside to lick themselves and each other as they watch. You know what made this moment perfect??? Ashton WAILING in the background that *I* am gonna get him in trouble at school. Oy!

Have you watched any of the Madea movies? My inner Madea about called Nancy Grace and turned on Skype for her to witness the straight ruckus that was about to take place in Mimi land.

Needless to say, two hours later,he JUST finished his one mother effin worksheets and Sophie and Pacey are asleep.

If you feel inclined to start a bail or xanax fund,feel free.

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December 5, 2011

My 9 year old Lady Killer

Pacey is 9, almost 10 he tells everyone that will listen. He is handsome, a protective older brother and a kind hearted soul. Pacey struggles with my attention deficiencies and still brings home grades that put him on the  high honor roll. He struggles with his self confidence at times but art has really been a life saver for him. He can focus and is a fabulous artist. The past two years,he and a little girl named Sunny have given up many recesses to work on paintings together,paintings that hang in the hall of their school to this day.

Today he came out of school beaming ear to ear with in his hand. Rushing to the car and buckeling as rapidly as he could he set his sights on this gift. A gift from Sunny. It was an oversized pencil that said COOL DUDE on the side. His smile just grew brighter.

He.used that pencil all evening and quietly asked me when we could go shopping for a gift for Sunny. I kinda think this is the sweetest thing ever.

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Parenting FAIL!

I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for Broadway musicals. I love them! Les Miserable, American Idiot,Rent, and my newest obsession, The Book of Mormon. I will admit,I bought it without hearing one song but in Mimi Land,the fact that Trey Stone and Matt Parker were involved was a no brainer. I'll never be too old to enjoy the juvenile and crude antics of South Park! OMG! They killed Kenny! You bastards!!

I do a good majority of my musical listening in the car and as ya'll know,I'm normally accompanied by my mini's. Having listened to the first two songs, I was IN. They were catchy and upbeat and thoroughly enjoyable.

I pick up my xy chromosomes from school and I look back into my rearview mirror and all three Parrow monkeys are nodding their heads,enjoying the beat and discussing their daily schooltime adventures.  Ah,peace! I should mention that I have the ability to zone out and disregregard the vast amount of my surroundings at will out of sheer survival instinct.

My attentions hone in on the innocent and overly sweet sound of giggles from the back seat. Typically, these giggles precede one of the trio passing gas,burping or some other disgusting bodily function. Oh no, not this time. Oh HAIL no!

This time, Mommie provided the entertainment in the form of a song from this musical that resembles a happy tune from The Lion King....only instead of this African phrase meaning no worries, it means "f*ck you God". I shit you not fella's.

My four year old goes loco that there are "naughty pants singing naughty words" on the song. I listen closely to hear the f bomb being dropped loud and proud. I've never been more thankful for stereo controls on my steering wheel. As it turns out, these profanity seekers only heard the big F and not the part that followed.....not that I'm giddy about that even but overall,it was the lesser of two evils.

As much as I love profanity and cursing much so that I could monologue an entire descriptive rant using only these words....I don't really need the Parrow trio using the f-word fluently.

Oy! Now I'm paranoid that CPS will come knocking at my door for a vocabulary check. Shiiiiiit. I mean SHOOT. DARN.

Between you and I, the cd is phenomenal and on my ipod touch as we speak. I think we will stick to the good ol' radio for a little bit.

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Gone but Never Forgotten Rest In Peace Lisa McPherson

This is not my typical blog in which I rant about Walmart (filthiest place on earth), hate on Delta Airlines (worst airline ever and John that works at Quantum on their behalf can go blow as well) or my public service announcements against drinking after I have had a few too many and am suffering a hangover. Nope,not today. Today, I'm pushing my assholish nonsense aside to relay the story of Lisa McPherson to you.

Lisa was a young,vibrant and passionate young lady who was also a devout Scientologist. After her brother and many years later,her father committed suicide, she clung to the belief that in "moving up the bridge" in her Scientology classes, she would not share the same fate.

Scientology does not believe in psychiatry,in fact they believe it to be evil. If you remember the infamous Tom Cruise / Matt Lauer interview where Tom goes apeshit,calling Matt glib and announcing that Matt doesn't know the history of psychiatry,he does. Oy!

Lisa spent well over half her salary paying for these courses that would move her up the bridge to the state of clear. Supposedly,at this stage, one.would be free of all mental and physical ailments and be at pure peace with ones self. It has been said that she planned to leave the church.

A few short months before her death, Lisa attested CLEAR. However, in November of 1995, she was in a minor accident and as protocol, an ambulance arrived to make sure all was well. As there were no injuries,paramedics began to leave,at which point Lisa stripped off her clothes and began to walk down the street. A female paramedics approached her to ask why she was doing that and she wanted people to think she was crazy so she could get help.

She was taken to the hospital,almost immediately her "friends" from this psuedo church showed up and persuaded her to sign herself out. She was then taken by the church to The Fort Harrison hotel in Clearwater,Florida.

Instantly, she was put in isolation and put under guard with no way to escape. Those watching her would not speak to her or answer her questions. She became violent, refused to eat,babbled on incoherently until her physical condition rapidly declined. She was unable to stand, unable to eat,in a vegetative state being force fed toxic amounts of vitimans and sedatives prescribed by a Scientologist doctor that had never seen her!

These are her care logs:

LISA MCPHERSON CARETAKER NOTES: 17 days at the Fort Harrison in Clearwater

From Nov. 18 to Dec. 5, 1995, Scientology staffers who monitored Lisa McPherson around the clock kept logs. Marty Rathbun, who managed the fallout from the case for the church, now admits that he ordered the last two days of logs destroyed. He feared they incriminated the church. Here are excerpts from the logs that were not destroyed:

Nov. 18

2:45 p.m. Lisa is talking since about 30 minutes: "I created time 3 Billion years ago and now I am dramatizing it since then ... I am LRH and I didn't confront it because I didn't confront that power ... I want to dance. ... I need my auditor ... I need to confront my mom."

3:15 p.m. She is still talking non stop. She tried to go out of the door.

Nov. 19

This afternoon Lisa walked like a robot. What is new: if she starts talking she talks and talks, then she stares at a spot; She also tries to push buttons on me (what she never did before). She says I am her and she is controlling my body. She kissed me on my mouth. Once I let her sit outside for 5 minutes.

... She took my arm and put it on her tummy and went with her tongue over my face. I brought her back to bed.

Nov. 20

She has difficulties even to swallow a bit of water. She got 2 sip of protein drink down. Right now she is again jumping out of the bed over and over.

Nov. 22

I went into the room + she was totally Type III. Blabbering, incoherent non stop. Shaking, no warm clothes on - a bra top + shorts + shoes - no socks. She fell asleep for 4 hours + got up. I finally chased her around the place 50 times + got on slacks + tee shirt, jacket, socks + shoes. She was like an ice cube.

She talked incoherently hour after hour. She refused to eat + spit out everything she took. Her breathe was foul. She looked like measles and chicken pox on her face. Had a fever to my touch.

After 1 pm she went violent + hit me a few times telling me in a rage she was to kill me #s of times. I called in the "guard" outside ... He stayed with me during the rage- but she still smacked me around. (I did cover + guard myself but she was out of control).

Nov. 30

9 pm - 1 am. Awake. On floor scooting around, moving arms + legs + speaking + groaning.

1:30 - 5:00. I probably got the equivalent of 3 Valarian root caps into her. It took 4 feedings over a 4 ½ hour period. She will appear to be very cooperative - hold her mouth open, make eye contact, act as if she is there, then close the back of her throat + not swallow. ... My idea of closing her nose so she has to swallow so she can breathe through her mouth is only marginally successful.

9:15 am I got a small amount of the banana + shake mixture into her + about an ounce of tea. She is much more physically strong this a.m. She sits up frequently + for long periods of time. Whereas yesterday I only saw her sit up once - she was lying on the floor scooting around. She is using her legs to kick again. Yesterday it wasn't much of a threat.

P.P.S. Lisa has come uptone - she was apathetic yesterday - physically + in her comm. - just a couple spurts of anger + not very determined at that. This a.m. she is deliberate + nasty - even evil.

Dec. 2

1 am - 3 am I gave her 4 Valarian root capsules, 4 Orinthane (not positive of the name - haven't seen the bottle, but it is one of the herbal sleeping preparations) and approx 6 oz of cal mag.

She has gotten drowsy from time to time but at 3 AM is still awake + talking.

We also cut her fingernails. This will reduce the risk of scratches to herself + us. She has scratches and abrasions all over her body + on elbows + knees has pressure sores. None of them are open + none of them look infected.

8 am. ... I will give her more of the herbal sleep preparations + will be in comm with Janice later about other measures to ensure she gets some serious sleep today.

The finances for her protein drinks ran out last night. I was in comm a security guard who said the source of the money was Lisa's employer + he thought he could get more this morning.

Dec. 3

1:00 - 1:30 a.m. Tried to feed her again but wouldn't take anything. She thought we were psychos or other enemies who wanted to kill her.

10 a.m. She slept most of the time - several hours of really good deep sleep. When she awakened this a.m. she was very confused + combative ...

2 p.m. Appears to be awakening. She has tried to stand several times but is not strong enough yet. I am going to feed her some mashed banana + protein powder. Have been in comm /c security re getting more money for her.

3 p.m. She is resting now. She originated that she knows we are trying to help her although she doesn't know our names and we don't talk to her. The rest of her comm. is the usual confused stuff. She also had a couple oz's of water. Body wise she is very restful + gentle. She has tried to stand a couple of times but is not strong enough.

6:30 p.m. Fixing more bananna + protein powder + half + half.

Several Damning pages were destroyed at the hands of Marty Rathbun, a former executive in the church who has defected. He admits to this but claims not to remember what these pages said. I call bullshit. Considering the gross neglect they admit to,I can't imagine what was so horrible they had to destroy!

On December 5,1995 it is disputed as to whether or not Lisa was alive when she was loaded into a vehicle and driven to a hospital. Not the closest hospital,not the second closest it even the third. No, Lisa was taken to the FOURTH hospital where a Scientologist doctor was working. She was dead on arrival. Her severely emaciated body was covered in abrasions and cockroaches bites. Her autopsy photos are available online but they are graphic. THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGY DOES!!

SEVENTEEN DAYS! Scientology has a history of suspicious deaths,Google it,it will astounded you.

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December 3, 2011


I've never hated and loathed any one place more in my life. As I've stated numerous times before, it is reeks of dispair,germ infested,snotty and hysterical children and every disease and virus known to man and carnival animals. I fucking hate this place. If profanity and obscene language offends you,please exit now...there's about to be a rant so overloaded with crude language that even the most seasoned potty mouths will be stunned.

Let me state that I avoid that god forsaken place with every ounce of my being. The *only* reason I went there was because they had my favorite corndogs.....a huge ass case of these delicious sumbitches at an extremely reasonable price.

Predictably,the minute we walked into the ecoli encrusted doors, I'm bombarded with at least a half dozen screaming and crying carrier monkeys of varies ages. Lovely. Were you aware that just walking through the door makes you regress to the slowest speed ever. Slow. I take that back,slow would be a vast improvement from the slug like pace these mo fo's were going. As expected, these life forms all know each other and must meet MID AISLE to begin their impromptu reuinon of freak show rejects. Listen mother f*ckers, the longer I'm in this ramshackled hut,the greater my chances are of contracting Walmart bred swine flu. In my head, all I hear is Ludacris rapping," MOVE BITCH,GET OUT THE WAY!" These bitches did not move and my initial polite "excuse me" went unnoticed. I shoved through. Fuckers.

I finally make it to my psuedo promised land where my delicious weenies on a stick should be and what the hell do ya know, they are OUT. O U T. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I'm damn near distraught and already have milk,bread and burritos that are essential in Mimi Land & hit the express check out. Express meaning FAST, right? Wrong! The assho (short for asshole) cashier has picked up on the slow facto and added a.dose of bitchy to the equation.

My whopping and disappointing $12.00 purchase was almost over,I swiped my debit card and she pushed something it cleared. She instructs me rudely to swipe it again. I press debit,it says wait for cashier. It should say wait for rude bitch,but I digress. I waited,them I POLITELY told her what it said on my screen, she sighs because you know asking her to do her job above and beyond what she is capable of. I've been a cashier, I'm not an asshole unless warranted and I know pressing *a* button is taxing but get over it and achieve your gdayum goals already.

"Swipe it again," she barks. I have fucking had it with this dirty ass place,its rude employees and hygiene deficient and germ spreading customers.

I said,"Customer service certainly isn't your strong suit is it?" I swiped my damn card and what do you know, she pushed the debit button and I was done! Sweet hell. I gathered my two measly bags and gave her eff off look. I plan on crafting a replica of Walmart later and refer to it as my VooDoo doll.

Corndogs be damned,I will not go to that pit of hell again!!! I went to Meijer and paid more but I did get my corn dogs! Winning!!!

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Winter Nonsense & Bedazzling

I was not designed for colder weather, I realize some people love it, however, I am not one of them. If given the option, I would happily hiberbate during winter to awaken in the spring in ONE layer of fashionable clothing and incredibly cute shoes after an insanely relaxing pedicure.

As it is, I'm in jeans and a sweater which is frumpy Indiana football mom chic. I will wear my FUGLY (fuggin ugly) uggs because despite your opinion on these less than elegant forms of footwear, they are warm and comfy. I did see black sequined UGGS that I need. These discoball-esque mofo's will be mine!!!! It will be my personal tribute to those cute little old ladies with the gold loafers and bedazzled windbreaker track suits with matching fannie packs.

Something about a good bedazzled item of clothing makes my heart smile. I don't own any bedazzled items but I can spot them a mile away. I once knew this lady that asked if it would be a good creative endeavor to bedazzle umbrellas to sell and make extra money. She didn't take into consideration that to bedazzling an umbrella would require holes being poked into the fabric,thus allowing water to seep in the holes and rendering the concept of this device useless. Who am I to hate? I say bedazzle this sumbish and see how it goes.

That being said, I do have severe bedazzling urges under the influence of Ambien and Captain Morgan. I fully envision bedazzling the shit out of fannie packs for all my friends for Christmas.......ah, what a sight!!!

As I put on my Adidas to battle the slushy tomfoolery outside to buy groceries for my ragtag crew of starving misfits, I already dread it. I can't have a captain first, laws prohibit me from driving any worse than I do now and I will be accompanied by my three kidlets who suffer from this ultra rare condition of endless talking,begging and interrogation style questioning that inevitability ends with spinning down aisles and knocking something over. Do you understand my need for an alcoholic beverage?? I'm begging my warm weather friends to adopt me for the winter!!! Please! I'm potty trained and almost self sufficient.

Love, your unhappily winterized prospective roommate!!

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In Memory

Today my hometown of Marion, Indiana gathered to celebrate the lives of The Harris Family. Ray Harris and his daughters Ramie and Shey were tragically taken one week ago today in a single plane accident leaving behind his wife (their mother ) and his son (their brother).

Please, think of this family and the community they so enthusically supported and volunteered in. They were laid to rest today and I ask you all to send your love to this grieving family and heartbroken community.

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December 2, 2011

*Just Knowing*

I knew within the first initial contact with Lori (Otto's Mommie) that we had begun a friendship that would turn to family. Instantly,we forged a trust that neither of us planned on or anticipated. In a few short months, she is one of my best friends, totally IN the Mimi Land circle of trust. Very few meet the guidelines and regulations to do so.

Otto is an absolutely remarkable puppy that spreads love and smiles everywhere he goes. Now that Otto is at home with his Mommie, I find myself being asked daily where Otto is and how he is doing. His infectious spirit was meant for someone in need of healing and giving that extra feeling and devotion.

Seeing the first cell phone pics of Otto tucked into his Mommie's arms....I sobbed. It was that feeling of pure peace and happiness. Happiness in knowing that without this baby Pug being  born in my lap on Sept. 11,2011~~~my Lori wouldn't  be experiencing this immense happiness and tears of joy.

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December 1, 2011

Pug Influences

I'm not lazy per se, I consider myself an expert in the couch Pug snuggling arts. Believe it or not,I actually do enjoy excersize and fresh air. However,I equally enjoy sleeping,lounging and general lethargy. It appears my choice in dog breed is ideal, my flat faces don't harbor much desire or necessity in going all willy nilly with the physical fitness!  We are quite content with nonsense television and snuggling. 

I'm not easily influenced but when faced with utter comfort or possible strenuous activity, I allow the pugs to influence my decision making process. You've heard the old saying," The dog ate my homework!"? Well I'm saying the puggies made my ass larger!?!

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November 29, 2011

Gravity & Pug Companionship

Everyone who knows me is well aware of my distaste for cold temperatures, especially when ice cold raindrops the size of my gigantic head are falling from the sky at the speed of EFFINGFAST! Unfortunately,weather shenanigans or not,the pug coalition must relieve themselves in a timely manner.

My back deck is slippery on a good day, today, it has gone right past slippery straight to,"Hold on to yer britches lady! You're going down!" So I herd my flat faced crew outside and three of the four happily enter potty time bliss...rain be damned.

Cullen shares my weather hatred and just as I go to step forward,he plants his fat ass on my remaining foot and I stumble. Because I'm holding my hot chocolate with marshmallows in my awesome pug mug in my hands,I crash onto my knees. My right knee tells me to kindly f*ck off and gives out. Me, on my tummy and arms outstretched to save said mug and its contents and oompa loompa sized sleet all over my back and inevitability this sleet concoction drips down the crack of my ass. Any movement and that water will melt and my ass is SOAKED.

Seeing my dispair and hearing my profanity laced rant led Bella,Tru and Joey to line up at face level to give me props on saving my mug and warm beverage. Cullen climbed up on my wet ass and laid down. OY!

PSSST: I'm including pics of the ready made lake beside my house that I partially fell into along with the guilty party that.not only tripped me but sat on me when I was down.

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November 28, 2011

Thankful & Blessed

I am a self admitted jerk,wise ass, loudmouth, vain little shit. I've always lacked the ability to stop the onslaught of descriptive words and profanity before they flow fluently past my lips. It's a blessing and a curse. One never has to wonder what I'm thinking, including those that really shouldn't know. I will admit, it is humorous for others and most times,myself as well. It has however, gotten me into a few pickles that haunt me to this day.

Apparently, telling your boss (should I say FORMER boss & no I wasn't fired) that he needs to keep his pimp hand strong and kick the b*tches to the curb when they show up late,call off,pass out on the clock,etc. may not have been professional but it was true. I was helping him to understand that HE is in charge. It was a wasted effort.

Or perhaps the time I texted a lengthly rant about a coworker to that coworker I was ranting about. Oh yeah,that was fun! Or arguing politics or religion with my mother in any capacity. Oy!

All my faults, attention deficit disorder, obsessive compulsive  disorder and the total lack of filtering each word that.flies out of my mouth. I'm me. No more, no less. I'll always tell the truth . I love that about me.

I have the most loyal friends in the world.My Kellie has been my rock through it all. Jessica, Amber, Lori and Mikey: I know I can count on yall without second thought. My brothers Mikhy and his husband Mike are phenomenal people and I love them!

The loves of my life, my children:Pacey,Ashton,Sophie Anabelle are the reason my world keeps spinning. Even when they're driving me nuts , I love them more than life itself.

I have a husband of ten years that finds no humor in me or my put obsession. Though he claims to loathe them but on more than one occassion,I've caught them snuggling.

What I'm saying is I'm blessed and thankful for the people in my life and the pugs that run it!!

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