February 28, 2012

Parenting and Profanity

I'll be the first to admit, I've got one helluva mouth on me...shocking, I know. I do not, however, condone the verbal usage of this profanity by my three miniature beings that I call my children.

I won't tell you about the time I had to confiscate the penis haver's DSi's because they were calling each other ball faces, ball sacks and asses. I won't tell you about the time Pacey referred to a family member as a "mean bastard" without knowing it was a dirty word and I will not tell you about a more recent statement my angelic daughter blurted out during an insanity filled traffic moment in which she declared,"What is that douchebag doin' Mom?"

Oy vey. I must now consider douchebag as a dirty word in Mimiland and let me tell you, that fluckin sucks. I can't properly express my thoughts without a good ol F bomb or something similar in nature. I *can* control myself when need be but in all honesty, I prefer not to. It's part of my undeniable charm...well, that and my boobs but those are visual assets and of no use over the internet.

I'll admit freely that I spent hours (plural) programming my favorite dirty words into my phone so that when I type a specific dirty word, it doesn't get autocorrected to some tame word that clearly doesn't apply.

Now I ask you, imagine you open the freezer and a whole frozen chicken falls on your freshly manicured toes, will a harshly stated GOLLY GOSH DARN make you feel better? HAIL NAH it won't. Wanna know what will?? Gdayum mother f*cking sonofabitch smashed asshole! That will relieve pain and frustration, try it, you'll see.

It's my personal belief that anyone who never cusses will eventually explode and create a pipe bomb or go flucking bananas in a Target. Just cuss. Gawd.

Needless to say, there might have been a slip up or two in my career as a mothering, breeding mofo. Shit happens, I suggest we move on and focus in their lovely personalities, academic achievements and health, shall we?

So last night, Ashton is informing me that he heard some kid say a dirty word earlier that day. I asked which one & he said it started with a d.


Ashton: *shaking head*


Ashton:*shaking head*

I have no clue. We agree that he can spell it.

Ashton: "D-O-O-S-H!"

What was my reaction?

"Asht, that's not how you spell it," through uncontrollable laughter.

So, who wants me to babysit?

February 22, 2012


I'm sure it will shock you all to know I have insane insomnia. It isn't that I don't want to sleep, on the contrary, I LOVE sleep. I love sleep with an unrivaled passion. If I were to imagine a perfect day, unlimited sleep would be included without question. The problem arises when the trio of lunatics are in bed, the pugs are snorting and snoring quietly and Mimi The Great is finally able to do (or not do) as she pleases that a second wind courses through her veins and wakes her the eff up.

Even the most resourceful procrastinator must sleep at some point, even me. At this point, Ambien is a hug from Jesus. One itty bitty pill and Mimiland will morph into dreamland and rest is achieved in a phenomenal way. I've mentioned my issue with procrastination,right? You're *supposed* to take this perfect pill and snuggle into bed, close your eyes and sleep. Well, guess what? Mimi is incapable of this. Now look, I know I've got about twenty to thirty minutes to play with before shenanigans will occur and in my ADD and OCD way, I'm going to cram as much in as possible which almost always leads to bad decisions.

I was fully aware that I might sleep eat, I was warned. I was also aware that I am not to drive or operate machinery under the influence. Um, duh. What they do not tell you is that you will text people, dayum near everyone and very rarely do you text them appropriate things. Oh hell Nah. Waking yo the morning after ambien and going through your texts is the equivalent to the morning after walk of shame....not that I would know. You may also be compelled to make phone calls,propositions and send emails, none of which are good ideas. I don't know about ya'll but the jerks I hang out with will save these texts,voicemails and emails for later use. Trust me on this......NO ELECTRONICS.

I was never warned to shy away from beauty decisions after taking this lovely medication. Here is a brief rundown:

*I'm not Whoopi Goldberg, waking up sans an entire eye brow is not an advisable look.

*Ambien will not instantaneously dry nail polish. Waking up to nail polish on your hands,feet,face, hair and bedding is not nearly as thrilling as you might imagine.

*Ambien showering....eh, I've had some success but waking up to conditioner still in your hair is never good.

*Let's get back to texting, just don't. You really are playing Russian roulette here. Texting gossip to someone only to find you've sent it to the person in question is awkward. Put the phone down.

*Shopping. Yea, something about Ambien makes you need random shit on eBay. ShamWow's for instance.

*Facebooking. Now this should be on Dateline. It isn't that I have an abundance of self restraint as it is, clearly. Facebooking on Ambien will without fail lead to a takeover of your wall because trying to watch ones language or being respectful of other peoples feelings doesn't even rank on the scale of nonsense I notice.

*Dress up. You WILL dress up, you will put on make up and you will take pictures. How you discover this....well, that's on you.

As I take ambien now, let me assure you, none of these mishaps will occur this evening :) Well, I have just one last text to send!

February 11, 2012

Team Hines Ward!!

After a blissful night of ambien induced slumber, I awoke to an onslaught of texts informing me of a possible departure of my very unaware boyfriend, Hines Ward, from my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers.

When I say unaware, I mean he has no idea that I even exist or that I'm unwavering in my devotion and loyalty to him but I have made the official and delusional decision that we love each other and we are going to walk off into the sunset into fairytale happiness. I should let him know, eh, maybe not. I heard restraining orders aren't that fun.

That being said, he has given every ounce of himself to The Steelers. Blood, sweat and tears. Hard work, dedication, playing through pain and being a glowing reminder of what a true athlete is. He has pulled us through the most disasterous games with a positive attitude and encouraging words for his teammates.

Hines was drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 1998 draft in the third round and made his debut as #86! Let's take a brief moment here to list just a FEW of his endless accomplishments, shall we?

*He has earned three team Most Valuable Player (MVP) selections

*He is also a four-time NFL Pro Bowl selection (2001–2004)

*In 2002, he set a Steelers franchise record for receptions (112) and touchdowns (12) and was named to his first of two consecutive All-NFL teams.

*Ward has twice been named the NFL's dirtiest player, as determined by a Sports Illustrated poll of NFL players; the most recent was in 2009.

*On November 13, 2005, Ward became the Steelers all-time leading receiver with his 538th catch against the Browns on ESPN Sunday Night Football surpassing John Stallworth's record.

*On February 5, 2006, Ward was named MVP in Super Bowl XL as the Pittsburgh Steelers won 21-10. Ward became the second foreign born player to earn the accolade.

*On December 2, 2007, Ward became the Steelers all-time touchdown receptions leader with his 64th touchdown reception against the Bengals on Sunday Night Football.

*Then on December 20, 2007, Ward became the Steelers all-time receiving yardage leader in a game against the St. Louis Rams.

*On December 28, 2008, Ward caught his 800th NFL reception, extending his record for receptions by a Steeler receiver. Also in this game, Ward achieved his first 1000 yard season since 2004, finishing with 81 receptions for 1043 yards and 7 touchdowns on the year.

*In the 2008 Playoffs, Ward recorded 9 receptions for 168 yards. In the 27-23 win over Arizona Cardinals at the Super Bowl XLIII, Ward played a supporting role, catching two passes for 43 yards. He played the game with a sprained right MCL.

*On September 28, 2009, during the 2009 Season game against Cincinnati, Ward’s four catches for 82 yards vaulted him past 10,000 career receiving yards and made him the first wide receiver in Steelers’ history to achieve that plateau.

*In a September 12, 2010, home game against the Atlanta Falcons, Ward became the first player in Steeler history to surpass 11,000 receiving yards. He caught 108 yards worth of passes in that game to pass Hall of Fame Steeler receiver John Stallworth for most 100-yard receiving games all time for the Steelers with his 26th. His 6 catches against the Falcons gave him 901 for his career, making him only the 12th NFL player of all time to surpass 900 career receptions.

*On December 4, 2011, in a 35-7 home victory against the Cincinnati Bengals, Ward became just the 19th player in NFL history to reach 12,000 receiving yards.

*On January 1, 2012, in a game against the Cleveland Browns, Ward caught his 1000th reception, becoming the eighth player in NFL history to do so.

That is just a small rundown of his athletic  accomplishments that I found on Wikipedia and cross checked online. I'm not a human encyclopedia people.

In addition to his athletic prowess, he is one hell of a person. A role model for hooligans everywhere to look up to. He gives of himself and to his community, The Steelers have subsequently benefited greatly.

Now personally between you and I, did you see him on Dancing With The Stars? Gawd *fanning self* HE CAN DANCE! He has the.perfect ass, hips that move without effort, a flawless bald head and a smile that renders me speechless. Me, speechless? What the Fluck? The defining moment for me was when Kym.was hurt and they danced BEAUTIFULLY and at the end, he held her and.cried.


Who just died in an overwhelming surge of Hines Ward epicness? -THIS GIRL-

Naturally he won, that is what he does. He wins.

I've been a die hard Steelers fan since high school, I need not divulge my increasing age but I can assure you that it was BEFORE Hines Ward was drafted and as a former Georgia Bulldog, he had me immediately!

Do you have any idea what it is like to live in Indi-fucking-ana as a Steelers fan? Hoosiers are not a shy breed of people. I catch shit everywhere I go by the pony followers, AKA The Colts fans, Oy vey. I've remained loyal, vocal and proud. I've bought jerseys, flags, decals, purses, jewelry, cheer leader outfits, pug jerseys, a toothbrush, keychains, nail polishes and a flucking lawn gnome for Christ sakes! Try explaining to someone that fully doesn't understand the English language that I want microscopic Steelers logos pqinted individually on top of my French manicure, seriously, I did. If that isn't a fan, I don't know what to tell you.

In this moment, I have never been more crushed, disenchanted and furious with my team. Hines has expressed a desire to retire with The Steelers, pay cut included. If they cut Hines, they may as well cut me as well.....and the obscene amount of money I fork over for premium services to just watch the game over here in Colts country.