August 28, 2012

Sympathy isn't lost on me,HOWEVER....

I'll be the first to admit, I have insanely awesome human miniatures. Sure, they're jerks that rip at my self esteem and sanity at every waking turn but they have eclectic and awesome musical tastes.

Pacey loves classical music, hard rock, punk, pop and rap. He loves soundtracks and Muse is his go-to band along with Linkin Park. Ashton is my old soul, The Beatles, The Monkees,Green Day, Run DMC, My Chemical Romance, One Direction and Jay Z. Miss Sophie Anabelle is a full on Bieber enthusiast but adores GaGa, Taylor Swift, Carly Rae Jepsom and Jay Z.

Judge all you want but two things you'll never doubt about my trio and I---we love GLEE and JayZ. Boom. I'm not ashamed.

Once Sophie asked why a song being played sounded so sad and I had to explain to her that it was country music. Bah. I digress.

After two long football practices and a trip to grandmas, we finally came home and I started dinner while Thing One,Thing Two and Thing Three put Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT on the tv to watch.

They love this movie and watch It daily only TODAY Sophie asked of we could go see Michael Jackson in concert.

I replied simply that no, he wasn't alive anymore so the best we can do is watch this. Now, the kids and I have discussed his death time and again with Sophie present and never once did we encounter an issue. Not today buddy. Her jaw drops, hands on her hips,"HE'S DEAD!? Forever!?!"

At this point, her chin is trembling and the diva sob is working its way to fruition,"I LOOOOOOOVE MICHAAAAEL JACKKKKKSON! He can't be dead! I love him! Please can we go, please!?"

Now look, I snuggled her, brought her tissues and a glass of water and she's still crying Oprah style with hiccups ad I'm just OVAH it.

Apparently, I should have been able to facilitate a meet and greet PRE death and I failed.

It's 11:30 pm, she's no longer crying but she's decided she's going to the concert anyway. I imagine the concert in question is to be determined!

August 21, 2012

Shame The Untrustables--Blog Style

Let me just take this moment to say that the past few weeks have been a chaotic blur that can be best described as an ass massive CLUSTERFUCK!

We went from being balls deep in summer, late bedtimes, water parks, drive in movies and the addition of Petey Pablo and Lulu to our crew to attempting to get on a school schedule and two football practices a day.

Last week, my trio started school in grades 5, 4 and Kindergarten. In all the back to school shopping, preparing and starting, we have yet to adjust or manage our time in a sufficient manner. Suffice it to say, I'm fucking exhausted---picture a zombie fromThe Walking Dead but slightly more alive and the stress level of some CEO with a sex scandal on his hands.

With a few hours free, I decide a nap is essential and snuggle in for a peaceful dose of much needed recuperation. I flung my jeans off and hopped in bed, switched my iPhone to silent and dozed the hell off.

Now just before I reach the portion of heavenly rest where Hines Ward and I unite for kissy time, a symphony of LOUD AS SHIT barking and snorting commences in the family room, followed by a bang which I imagined was Trudy running into the wall....again. Oy vey.

With my eyes still shut, I sincerely hope the barking will cease and I can drift back off into dreamland. Does it cease? Oh HAIL NAH, no it does not. What it does do is become louder and more incessant. I have no choice but to haul my ass outta bed and see what these felons have done now. Truly, I didn't expect anything atrocious....JOKES ON ME!

I walk through the hallway of disheveled blankets that they've pulled out of the laundry, down the hallway and into the family room that should be dim considering that I hadn't opened the blinds but hell nah, it's bright. Like, the clouds parted and Jesse Jackson looked down upon me and cursed me with brilliant light and that's when I realize what these assholish jagaloons have done.

Before I share with you the utter decimation that these jerks have caused, let me first tell you that Trudy Loo AKA Tru has long held the title of #1 deviant. Trudy was named after my favorite Reno 911 deputy Trudy Weigel and has lived up to this name if not superseding the bullshit and ignorant quota associated with this name. She licks windows, always has something in her mouth-whether it be a squinkie, hot wheel, q tip, VS panties, socks, wrappers to anything, toilet paper, socks, cat and dog shit ( she doesn't discriminate) and tampons. Yes, used fucking tampons. That particular discovery happened at a family gathering right through the house with my daughter screaming hysterically because she was sure Tru caught a naked mole rat. *thud* suffice it to say, Tru has always been the main mischief maker in Mimiland. However, her title is hanging in the balance after what I just witnessed with Petey Pablo and Cullen Carlisle. Nutless bastards.

Picture this, blankets strewn about through the hallway and living room and a blinding light in the family room, barking, snorting and Cullen SCREAMING bloody murder is getting louder and louder and that's when I get a full view of my blinds. Holy fucking shit. It wasn't just my blinds but the two fat, flat faced fucks stuck IN my ripped to fucking shreds blinds and the four "innocent"(and i use that term loosely) going batshit crazy around them.

At this point, Cullen bolts out of the blinds and Petey's harness gets caught in the blinds and he's just stuck. I managed to get one photo that won't upload for shit but I will not rest until it does.

During this ruckus and the slew of profanity that exited my mouth with perfect fluidity --Trudy pisses all over the hardwood floors. That little tinkle sent them to "DA BIG LOCKDOWN" as opposed to being baby gated while I assess and reconstruct damage. Rarely are they ever subjected to such torture. If you look really closely at the one photo that will upload that there are also nose and ass prints all over the window as they were going HAM, barking at our mail carrier. Classy.

Anyone want to pug sit!?

August 20, 2012

The Mimiland Untrustables send juju to Brando

If I've said it a billion times, I still wouldn't be saying it enough, pug people are the greatest people in the world! Dear friends of mine, Jay and Jeremy opened their hearts and home to an older flat face that they named Brando. I'll say that I lobbied for his name to be Henri but apparently since its their baby and not mine, I don't get to name him, Whatevah. Ha! He is now Brando - a name that truly suits him to a t!

Jay stumbled across Brando on eBay classifieds and couldn't deny this fella a real forever home. His previous owner neglected him grossly, bred him incessantly and simply got rid of him when he no longer suited her particular needs. I think she's a wretched DOOSH. Just sayin.

Upon saving this baby, he wasn't feeling well and was taken to the bet where it was discovered that in his lifetime, Brando simply existed. The way he carried himself indicated he had spent his life in a crate, very little interaction and sick with heartworms.

Heartworms are easily tested for and quite preventable. There's no excuse for a pug, or any pet for that matter, to suffer with such an easily preventable disease that can kill them. My crew of ill behaved untrustables are on a monthly pill, trifexis, which is their flea and heartworm pill combined. I pay $18 dollars a pill a month to ensure this fatal disease remains at bay---an extremely small price to pay for the peace of mine and health of my flat faces.

Poor Brando has heartworms, a yeast infection, ear mites in addition to hookworms and "whips". This poor little guy had never experienced REAL love and companionship OR a healthy existence....UNTIL NOW!

Jay and Jeremy have opened their hearts, home and finances to do anything it takes to heal Brando from the inside out. These guys are my heros, not only saving Brando's life PHYSICALLY but giving him the love and family that he so desperately deserves!

From myself, Pacey, Ashton and Sophie Anabelle (my human miniatures) and Bella, Cullen, Trudy Loo, Joey, Petey Pablo and Talulah Eloise and even that stinkin feline Sookie: GET WELL BRANDO! We love you and send all the juju and shenanigans imaginable for a speedy recovery and a lifetime of love and snuggles from your daddies! My untrustables have it on good account that Uncle Jay and Aunt Jeremy are two of the best people on earth! Psssst: a gift from us will arrive soon :)

August 3, 2012

Unholy Bat Apocolypse

As a young girl with long hair, I was told that if a bat got tangled in your hair, it would get tangled, bite the hell out of you and inevitably give you rabies.

Now y'all have surely seen the episode of The Office where Michael hits Meredith with his car, cracks her pelvis and it's at the hospital that it's discovered that she contracted rabies from an unrelated issue when Dwight trapped her head in a bag with a bat, right? This fear is totally founded and logical. So what if I have short hair now, bats are still very futile vermin.

Picture this, we're at my moms house catching up and whatnot and she tells us there's a bat upstairs and it's hanging from my sisters bedroom doorframe asleep. Naturally, my hooligans want to see this flying terror in its upside down, sleeping state. I fucking don't.

My sister instructs them to be silent and they trot upstairs to take in the vision of this nocturnal mother fucker in all it's glory. I do not. I'm not above letting my kids see Mommie has a little bit of sense and a healthy amount of fear.

It takes roughly thirty minutes of me obsessing over this little bastard before I decide I need to see this shit in real life. I sneak up the stairs all on my tip toes....cause you know that's the most quiet way to go about not waking a bat. I look to the right and sure as shit, that sumbitch is hanging from the doorway. And my hand to Oprah, Tom Cruise, Tim Tebow and God---the fucker IMMEDIATELY TURNED ITS HEAD TOWARDS ME AND OPENED ITS MALICE FILLED EYES!

Mind you, it's still hanging but that hate machine is awake. I HAUL ASS down the hallway, turn the corner and gently knock on the bathroom door in an immediate plea to get someone to catch this rabid bitch before I meet my end. I wanna swim with dolphins, kiss Hines Ward and strive for world peace while vacationing in Australia and New Zealand----none of which can be accomplished if I die at the will of a bat.

It is MID-FUCKING-KNOCK that this homicidal bitch flies around the corner and straight at my mother fucking face. AT MY FACE.

I know everyone thinks I'm exaggerating but I shit you not fella's, STRAIGHT FOR MY FUCKING FACE.

I do what any reasonable girl would do when a bat on bath salts decides to go HAM on me, I screamed bloody murder people---bloody effin murder---and hit the g'dayum floor.

BOOM-Mimi down! Mimi down! I didn't stop there! Still screaming *and crying* real fucking tears, I army crawl (in a sundress) down the hallway, tuck myself in the tornado position against the bookcase.

Shame was lost on me. I hear my sister Lillie coming up the stairs and I manage to look up and yell,"NO! GO DOWNSTAIRS,IT'S ALIVE!"

Apparently, this greedy bat bitch has now heard my plea for help and we make fucking eye contact and he swoops again. I almost threw up, I went from the fetal position with my hands covering my head to down flat, praying Oprah,Gayle and Nancy Grace would show up and save the day!

Alas, the bat was caught in a net and set free to terrorize someone else. Now, not only do my trio regularly like to tell my tale of horror BUT they also know that Mommie will scream like a little bitch if a bat apocolypse should ever occur. Nice.