September 3, 2012

Well played Untrustables, well played!

The flat faces in Mimiland have been oddly quiet as of late. It was almost refreshing after the whole "Operation Fuck up Mommies Blinds" of late August.

Hurricane Isaac's remnants are hitting Mimiland and a good monsoon seemed to be the perfect recipe to actually super clean my house.

Honing in on the kitchen, I mopped the floors MYSELF. I fucking hate mopping the floors but I did it spectacularly in cute shoes. Not heels, but Vera Wang ballet flats nonetheless. Really, mopping and vacuuming rank right up there with going to WalMart on purpose or a public colonoscopy. The floor dried and the untrustables gathered at my feet as I gathered and bagged garbage and sat it by the door to be taken out the moment the torrential downpour eased. Feeling slightly accomplished, I took a selfish moment to pee. What in the blue hell was I thinking!?

I peed, washed my hands and returned to the kitchen where I interrupted mass fucking destruction of the garbage! LuLu's fat ass is sitting IN a pizza box licking any nibble of cheese she can find, Bella and Joey are ripping apart roughly two boxes of Kleenex that has been disposed of this week and Cullen and Petey are balls (well, empty ball sacs) deep in watermelon while Trudy goes sibling to sibling, graciously accepting and shredding their trash scraps.

They pause slightly to take in my reaction of,"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" before proceeding to chew the hell out of the trash.

Dogshaming! Puhlease. Amatuers!

August 28, 2012

Sympathy isn't lost on me,HOWEVER....

I'll be the first to admit, I have insanely awesome human miniatures. Sure, they're jerks that rip at my self esteem and sanity at every waking turn but they have eclectic and awesome musical tastes.

Pacey loves classical music, hard rock, punk, pop and rap. He loves soundtracks and Muse is his go-to band along with Linkin Park. Ashton is my old soul, The Beatles, The Monkees,Green Day, Run DMC, My Chemical Romance, One Direction and Jay Z. Miss Sophie Anabelle is a full on Bieber enthusiast but adores GaGa, Taylor Swift, Carly Rae Jepsom and Jay Z.

Judge all you want but two things you'll never doubt about my trio and I---we love GLEE and JayZ. Boom. I'm not ashamed.

Once Sophie asked why a song being played sounded so sad and I had to explain to her that it was country music. Bah. I digress.

After two long football practices and a trip to grandmas, we finally came home and I started dinner while Thing One,Thing Two and Thing Three put Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT on the tv to watch.

They love this movie and watch It daily only TODAY Sophie asked of we could go see Michael Jackson in concert.

I replied simply that no, he wasn't alive anymore so the best we can do is watch this. Now, the kids and I have discussed his death time and again with Sophie present and never once did we encounter an issue. Not today buddy. Her jaw drops, hands on her hips,"HE'S DEAD!? Forever!?!"

At this point, her chin is trembling and the diva sob is working its way to fruition,"I LOOOOOOOVE MICHAAAAEL JACKKKKKSON! He can't be dead! I love him! Please can we go, please!?"

Now look, I snuggled her, brought her tissues and a glass of water and she's still crying Oprah style with hiccups ad I'm just OVAH it.

Apparently, I should have been able to facilitate a meet and greet PRE death and I failed.

It's 11:30 pm, she's no longer crying but she's decided she's going to the concert anyway. I imagine the concert in question is to be determined!

August 21, 2012

Shame The Untrustables--Blog Style

Let me just take this moment to say that the past few weeks have been a chaotic blur that can be best described as an ass massive CLUSTERFUCK!

We went from being balls deep in summer, late bedtimes, water parks, drive in movies and the addition of Petey Pablo and Lulu to our crew to attempting to get on a school schedule and two football practices a day.

Last week, my trio started school in grades 5, 4 and Kindergarten. In all the back to school shopping, preparing and starting, we have yet to adjust or manage our time in a sufficient manner. Suffice it to say, I'm fucking exhausted---picture a zombie fromThe Walking Dead but slightly more alive and the stress level of some CEO with a sex scandal on his hands.

With a few hours free, I decide a nap is essential and snuggle in for a peaceful dose of much needed recuperation. I flung my jeans off and hopped in bed, switched my iPhone to silent and dozed the hell off.

Now just before I reach the portion of heavenly rest where Hines Ward and I unite for kissy time, a symphony of LOUD AS SHIT barking and snorting commences in the family room, followed by a bang which I imagined was Trudy running into the wall....again. Oy vey.

With my eyes still shut, I sincerely hope the barking will cease and I can drift back off into dreamland. Does it cease? Oh HAIL NAH, no it does not. What it does do is become louder and more incessant. I have no choice but to haul my ass outta bed and see what these felons have done now. Truly, I didn't expect anything atrocious....JOKES ON ME!

I walk through the hallway of disheveled blankets that they've pulled out of the laundry, down the hallway and into the family room that should be dim considering that I hadn't opened the blinds but hell nah, it's bright. Like, the clouds parted and Jesse Jackson looked down upon me and cursed me with brilliant light and that's when I realize what these assholish jagaloons have done.

Before I share with you the utter decimation that these jerks have caused, let me first tell you that Trudy Loo AKA Tru has long held the title of #1 deviant. Trudy was named after my favorite Reno 911 deputy Trudy Weigel and has lived up to this name if not superseding the bullshit and ignorant quota associated with this name. She licks windows, always has something in her mouth-whether it be a squinkie, hot wheel, q tip, VS panties, socks, wrappers to anything, toilet paper, socks, cat and dog shit ( she doesn't discriminate) and tampons. Yes, used fucking tampons. That particular discovery happened at a family gathering right through the house with my daughter screaming hysterically because she was sure Tru caught a naked mole rat. *thud* suffice it to say, Tru has always been the main mischief maker in Mimiland. However, her title is hanging in the balance after what I just witnessed with Petey Pablo and Cullen Carlisle. Nutless bastards.

Picture this, blankets strewn about through the hallway and living room and a blinding light in the family room, barking, snorting and Cullen SCREAMING bloody murder is getting louder and louder and that's when I get a full view of my blinds. Holy fucking shit. It wasn't just my blinds but the two fat, flat faced fucks stuck IN my ripped to fucking shreds blinds and the four "innocent"(and i use that term loosely) going batshit crazy around them.

At this point, Cullen bolts out of the blinds and Petey's harness gets caught in the blinds and he's just stuck. I managed to get one photo that won't upload for shit but I will not rest until it does.

During this ruckus and the slew of profanity that exited my mouth with perfect fluidity --Trudy pisses all over the hardwood floors. That little tinkle sent them to "DA BIG LOCKDOWN" as opposed to being baby gated while I assess and reconstruct damage. Rarely are they ever subjected to such torture. If you look really closely at the one photo that will upload that there are also nose and ass prints all over the window as they were going HAM, barking at our mail carrier. Classy.

Anyone want to pug sit!?

August 20, 2012

The Mimiland Untrustables send juju to Brando

If I've said it a billion times, I still wouldn't be saying it enough, pug people are the greatest people in the world! Dear friends of mine, Jay and Jeremy opened their hearts and home to an older flat face that they named Brando. I'll say that I lobbied for his name to be Henri but apparently since its their baby and not mine, I don't get to name him, Whatevah. Ha! He is now Brando - a name that truly suits him to a t!

Jay stumbled across Brando on eBay classifieds and couldn't deny this fella a real forever home. His previous owner neglected him grossly, bred him incessantly and simply got rid of him when he no longer suited her particular needs. I think she's a wretched DOOSH. Just sayin.

Upon saving this baby, he wasn't feeling well and was taken to the bet where it was discovered that in his lifetime, Brando simply existed. The way he carried himself indicated he had spent his life in a crate, very little interaction and sick with heartworms.

Heartworms are easily tested for and quite preventable. There's no excuse for a pug, or any pet for that matter, to suffer with such an easily preventable disease that can kill them. My crew of ill behaved untrustables are on a monthly pill, trifexis, which is their flea and heartworm pill combined. I pay $18 dollars a pill a month to ensure this fatal disease remains at bay---an extremely small price to pay for the peace of mine and health of my flat faces.

Poor Brando has heartworms, a yeast infection, ear mites in addition to hookworms and "whips". This poor little guy had never experienced REAL love and companionship OR a healthy existence....UNTIL NOW!

Jay and Jeremy have opened their hearts, home and finances to do anything it takes to heal Brando from the inside out. These guys are my heros, not only saving Brando's life PHYSICALLY but giving him the love and family that he so desperately deserves!

From myself, Pacey, Ashton and Sophie Anabelle (my human miniatures) and Bella, Cullen, Trudy Loo, Joey, Petey Pablo and Talulah Eloise and even that stinkin feline Sookie: GET WELL BRANDO! We love you and send all the juju and shenanigans imaginable for a speedy recovery and a lifetime of love and snuggles from your daddies! My untrustables have it on good account that Uncle Jay and Aunt Jeremy are two of the best people on earth! Psssst: a gift from us will arrive soon :)

August 3, 2012

Unholy Bat Apocolypse

As a young girl with long hair, I was told that if a bat got tangled in your hair, it would get tangled, bite the hell out of you and inevitably give you rabies.

Now y'all have surely seen the episode of The Office where Michael hits Meredith with his car, cracks her pelvis and it's at the hospital that it's discovered that she contracted rabies from an unrelated issue when Dwight trapped her head in a bag with a bat, right? This fear is totally founded and logical. So what if I have short hair now, bats are still very futile vermin.

Picture this, we're at my moms house catching up and whatnot and she tells us there's a bat upstairs and it's hanging from my sisters bedroom doorframe asleep. Naturally, my hooligans want to see this flying terror in its upside down, sleeping state. I fucking don't.

My sister instructs them to be silent and they trot upstairs to take in the vision of this nocturnal mother fucker in all it's glory. I do not. I'm not above letting my kids see Mommie has a little bit of sense and a healthy amount of fear.

It takes roughly thirty minutes of me obsessing over this little bastard before I decide I need to see this shit in real life. I sneak up the stairs all on my tip toes....cause you know that's the most quiet way to go about not waking a bat. I look to the right and sure as shit, that sumbitch is hanging from the doorway. And my hand to Oprah, Tom Cruise, Tim Tebow and God---the fucker IMMEDIATELY TURNED ITS HEAD TOWARDS ME AND OPENED ITS MALICE FILLED EYES!

Mind you, it's still hanging but that hate machine is awake. I HAUL ASS down the hallway, turn the corner and gently knock on the bathroom door in an immediate plea to get someone to catch this rabid bitch before I meet my end. I wanna swim with dolphins, kiss Hines Ward and strive for world peace while vacationing in Australia and New Zealand----none of which can be accomplished if I die at the will of a bat.

It is MID-FUCKING-KNOCK that this homicidal bitch flies around the corner and straight at my mother fucking face. AT MY FACE.

I know everyone thinks I'm exaggerating but I shit you not fella's, STRAIGHT FOR MY FUCKING FACE.

I do what any reasonable girl would do when a bat on bath salts decides to go HAM on me, I screamed bloody murder people---bloody effin murder---and hit the g'dayum floor.

BOOM-Mimi down! Mimi down! I didn't stop there! Still screaming *and crying* real fucking tears, I army crawl (in a sundress) down the hallway, tuck myself in the tornado position against the bookcase.

Shame was lost on me. I hear my sister Lillie coming up the stairs and I manage to look up and yell,"NO! GO DOWNSTAIRS,IT'S ALIVE!"

Apparently, this greedy bat bitch has now heard my plea for help and we make fucking eye contact and he swoops again. I almost threw up, I went from the fetal position with my hands covering my head to down flat, praying Oprah,Gayle and Nancy Grace would show up and save the day!

Alas, the bat was caught in a net and set free to terrorize someone else. Now, not only do my trio regularly like to tell my tale of horror BUT they also know that Mommie will scream like a little bitch if a bat apocolypse should ever occur. Nice.

July 28, 2012

Petey Pablo and Talulah "LULU" Eloise and their ANGELS!

I believe in fate, everything happening for a reason. Whatever should be, will be.

If you asked me ONE WEEK AGO what I'd be doing, I can assure you that driving to Michigan to rescue two 7 year old pugs that were essentially confined to a hallway was not on my agenda.

With my foster, Emma Bea, happily settled into her forever home, I did have an emptiness that nagged at me but I knew that fostering right now wasn't an option.

My twin in profanity & pug adoration,Laura, came across a friend of a friend who had two bonded pugs that she needed to rehome. Two pugs, two small girls and another on the way left little room or time for this dynamic duo.

An instantaneous outpouring of fosters and homes were offered and I couldn't help but immediately offer to take these two in and love them every single day for the rest of their lives.

After two days of emails, calls and texts, I was blessed beyond belief when I was chosen to be Petey and LuLu's Mommie!

Within hours, Laura and I planned a road trip to Michigan to pick up my additions and bring them to Mimiland!

Laura, without hesitation navigated, encouraged and gave so selflessly of herself to being this pair of flat faces to their forever home.

Now, I'm not saying that profanity wasn't spewed at bad drivers or that shenanigans were not had but that's an R rated....potentially X rated story for another time.

It was love at first sight! Their names it them to a T so I tweaked middle names to welcome them into the warped world I live in. Petey is now Petey Pablo and LuLu is Talulah Eloise. Formal names because we're all fancy and shit!

Without any pause in the untrustables behalf, the dynamic duo was welcomed with open food bowls and tons of toys to share. It was kismet, fate.

Petey Pablo needed neutered and palette surgery will be required for one, if not both of them. I knew this going in and it was a burden I knew was mine.

I've always said that pug people are the best people in the entire world. I'm incredibly lucky to be a part of a group devoted to our flatties and each other.

Unbeknownst to me, these incredible people rallied together and called our trusted Vet and donated generously towards "The Parrow Pugs". These amazing souls, from all over the country love Petey and LuLu so much and gave so selflessly of themselves that even now, I'm stunned.

Today as I dropped off Petey to be neutered, I was greeted by the entire staff at some point in the visit. Everyone wanted to meet the pugs that so many people love and adore.

Angel and Megan had tears in their eyes, telling me that my friends were angels on earth and miracles workers. An understatement. I can never in a million years express the immense gratitude and overwhelming sense of love I'm filled with at this moment.

Dr. Radcliffe said that he had never seen such an outpouring of generosity and unity towards a rescue and for me, THIS GESTURE of unconditional love and teamwork has humbled me and taught me so much about the true human spirit and how much good our furry friends bring out in one another.

Petey was a trooper and recovered well, I literally couldn't wait to pick him up.

Pacey and I went in and were greeted by another tech to check us out and reunite us with our little guy. She smiled, shook her head and handed us our paperwork and said that we had quite a credit on our account.


I'm the luckiest girl on earth. This was far and wide a TEAM RESCUE and these babies have such a phenomenal and selfless family. In this experience, I learned something that I'll meet forget and I'll always strive to do for others---I was rescued in so many ways. I'll never be able to repay the kindness, love and generosity of so many selfless people! Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

July 5, 2012

Privacy!? Hell no! C'mon in!

Facebook only allows me so much room to properly express my day to day traumas and by the time I condense it to Facebook length, it's hardly that traumatic so I said fuck that, here's the whole story! Ready!?

I have three human miniatures (kids) ages 10,8 and *almost* 5. Two boys and a girl, yeah. Now that we've established that, we can now establish that yesterday we celebrated super awesome Independence Day with the family at my brothers. It's my FAVORITE holiday! It typically entails drinking but the responsibility of driving home killed that dream. Oy vey.

Swimming,hottubbing,eating, fireworks, karaoke and insane amounts of shenanigans were had until about three in the morning when this SOBER Mommie loaded the children and all their accessories and belongings into Lucie Lancer and drove home and into the garage. At this point, I can HEAR the Untrustables (pugs) going HAM because they hear us and the boys are running around willy nilly tormenting one another while I carry a very limp diva to the door and unlock the sumbitch. Teeth are grudgingly brushed and within ten minutes, silence has commenced but I'm too tired to care and I go the hell to bed too. Damn.

I told you that, to tell you this. This group of party animals slept in until about noon, for real! It sounds great and really, it was except that I had to get up way earlier to take pugs potty and feed and water the insatiable freaks and I attempt to go right back to bed. Not easy, it's light outside and I have a monstrous headache so after some aleve and water, I'm snuggled in my bed exhausted but not able to sleep.

I get on the iPhone, get Netflix goin and plow through several episodes of Weeds season 6 until I doze off, which gained me about forty five minutes of mediocre sleep before the troops have woken with an intense sensation of hunger and irritation. Eh, I'll take it.

Still with me? Long and drawn out I know but you really need to realize the level of irritation I was in and take not that my nonsense intake was not in a charitable mood.

Things One,Two and Three are fed and watching a movie because apparently Indiana has reached it's peak in HELL setting. I'm just saying if I break a sweat yawning outside, we are staying inside or going to a water park and I didn't have the ability or motivation to tackle half dressed people that have no damn business being anything but mummified to protect my gag reflex. Inside it is.

After twenty minutes of arguing over which movie, who sits where and who is breathing too loudly or sitting too closely or whatfuckingever, there is a calm. This is my cue to go shower and listen to music that is not only inappropriate and filled with profanity but also makes me happy. I firmly believe anytime you can combine Manaj, Jay Z and Kanye with dirty words and the phrase,"I'm a MUTHA FUCKIN MONSTA!" it's a win.

Any parent that says they don't use the restroom as an escape at least once is a bold faced liar. I don't care if you're super nanny, Mary effin Poppins, we need to get away from these mouth breathers sometimes! I'm in a towel, brushing my teeth listening to a naughty song and acquiring mental "swag" and the damn door flies open and Pacey immediately starts in on some comic book coming out in two weeks. I'm looking at him just waiting for him to realize that he just busted in on his Mom in the bathroom wrapped in a towel and nothing else and be traumatized and get the hell out! Does he? Oh hellllll nah. He pauses for a nano second, just long enough to hear Jay Z drop the f bomb. Great.

He grins, totally my kid,"Mom, is that Jay Z?"

Now I'm just proud, the kid has taste!

"Because he just said the f word. We can't say that."

He has a point but so do I and dammit I'm kinda over it! Get out, fuck.

Me:"Yes, it's Jay Z and yes he said the f word and Mommie is REALLLLLLY close to saying it too if I can't get dressed alone!"

I'm still utterly dumbfounded that his sense of modesty hasn't kicked in yet. This is the same kid, along with his younger brothers assistance, lodged a complaint with me because their friends said I was cute. Apparently, they wanted me to ugly it up a bit. Gawd. Jerks. These SAME kids have no compunction about entering the bathroom with the force of a DEA raid!

Pacey:"Will you make me popcorn?"

What the hell! As if I could facilitate a massive popcorn popping festival from the bathroom, really!? And you're ten, walk into the kitchen, open the cabinet and get the popcorn and proceeded to the microwave and pop the hell out of it! Damn!

I'm sure you're asking why I didn't lock the door and I admit, you make a great point. I'll tell you why. In the tenish years I've had children, I've had each one lock themselves inside (more than once) and proceed into a full meltdown. When I say "meltdown", I do not mean a little crying and a slight panic. I want you to envision one of those homely, morally compromised women on Maury that are seeking DNA testing and upon learning the nineteenth guy tested ain't "da baby daddy" and loses her shit. Wailing, speaking in tongues, convulsions....that kind of shit. Not to mention the inevitable breaking into the bathroom to rescue them and the clean up afterwards. No thanks.

With Pacey gone and the door cracked, Ashton and Sophie make their move! Do I know how to spell Justin Bieber? Will Green Day tour here soon and if so, will I take him (Ashton) and only him?

It's at this time that Sophie has decided to give me a play by play of her favorite parts of The Avengers with a mini reenactment. She's totally The Hulk punching Thor, pretending to punch Ashton in the side of the noggin and he appropriately throws himself on the floor in defeat and then enlisting her lamby to show me how The Hulk made Loki his bitch and threw him around like a ragdoll. Pretty creative and whatnot but I'm in a dayum towel! Get OUT!

They retreat to create new nonsense and the Untrustables enter and sit to stare at me and occasionally lick my leg.

I realize peeing without assistance may be just a novelty but c'mon, let's not make a social gathering of it!