Only *THIS GIRL*

Do you know what today is?!? The last day of school, the very last day my Ashton Michael will be a third grader and my Pacey Mekhi a fourth grader, this also means its TRACK AND FIELD DAY!!! Wahoo!!

With the xy chromosomes safely deposited in testosterone filled competition land, and my daughter gardening with her Grammie,I knew this was my golden opportunity to finish my hand crafted teacher gifts before pick up time.

I came home to a quiet house, made the pugs breakfast of scrambled eggs and kibble and went into full crafty, gift finishing mode. Despite my great intentions and hard work, I decided these gifts would be perfect ONLY with a few additions that I could easily acquire at Target. With my arms full of gifts and empty gift bags and tissue paper, I managed to lock the kitchen door and shut it behind me with my foot and I won't lie, I felt like a fucking rockstar.

I walked through the garage and it was at this point, I realized my keys weren't in my hand and they were probably in my black hole of a bag. Shit. Sigh.

I carefully place my unfinished gifts on top of my car and look through my bag. Nothing. I sit on the garage floor and dumb that bastard out, no keys. I did find starbursts though,WIN!!

It is at this point, the wheels in my head start turning. I know exactly what I did, I locked myself out of my house AND my car. F U C K.

Get the hide a key, you suggest and I admit, it's a fantastic suggestion EXCEPT that I used that sumbitch last week and in pure Mimi fashion, I didn't put it back outside. Sawheeeet! So now I'm going window to window, assessing whether or not I can squeeze my ass through the window if by some miracle one hasn't been locked....which by the way is highly unlikely since I'm OCD about locking things just in case a psychotic, midget clown decides to break in and slaughter me. In fucking with these windows, I have annoyed the pugs to the point of actually waking up and now Cullen is SCREAMING and his cohorts are barking and howling. Great!! By the way, there were no unlocked windows.

Refusing to admit defeat, I go back Ito the garage and drink my bottle of water and brainstorm. I ponder kicking in the back door but I'm in flip flops and I'm pretty sure I'd just destroy my pedicure and injure my pride and remain LOCKED THE FUCK OUT.

Thank GAWD my iPhone was charged because some semblance of common sense kicked in and I remembered I gave my mom an extra key for emergencies such as this. I call her while she and Sophie were gardening and she graciously agreed to save my absentminded ass. Booyah!

Now that I've got a glimmer of hope, I decide to try the car doors JUST IN CASE, I don't much enjoy sitting on the garage floor unless I'm so drunk that I don't give a shit....problem is, I was stone cold sober!

All four doors are locked BUT the trunk is open and you can lay down the back seats and get into the car that way, WIN!! Never deny my resourceful nature and prowess!

I've now got my ass firmly planted in my lovely car waiting for my Mother to arrive and save the day! While I waited ,I organized the gifts in the trunk, cleaned out my car, found gum,mints,Cheetos and a bra and two pairs of socks. As I finished, my mom pulled in and I could see Sophie's giddy and smiling face in the backseat! I open the door to greet her and my heart SINKS! She has cut her hair.....AGAIN....in the form of haphazard and bedraggled bangs. My mom didn't even notice, oy vey!!!

After all that ruckus, we did haul ass to Target, perfect our teacher gifts and wrap them just as I had envisioned and still made it for pick up on time. Now, what the fuck am I going to do with Princess Fashionista's "bangs"? Shit.

About Last Night

I enjoy a good prank, any sort of shenanigans....I fully support. Typically, I'm the ring leader and mastermind of these endeavors and truly, that is the most hysterical position to be in. Last night,however, I was pranced and had NO IDEA.

As y'all are well aware, my mother is a very strict catholic, right wing conservative gal and I am....well, I'm the fallen catholic,Kumbaya kinda girl which continuously leads to many heated arguments. It's a lot of fun fellas, lemme tell ya.

In this clusterfuck, we share a mutual friend,Erick. Oh yeah asswipe, I'm calling you OUT!

Yesterday, Our President announced his support for gay marriage and equality. Love him or hate him, ALL PEOPLE should share equality. Period.

I posted his statement on Facebook and didn't think much about it. My mom isn't my Facebook friend but Erick is and I know that anytime Erick has a chance to stir up some shit, that's what he is going to do and it is almost ALWAYS hysterical.

Last night, I receive a barrage of texts from my mother about Obama. AN OVERHAUL, I didn't click in any of the links. I told my Mom she was cute and that I loved her and no argument ensued. I figured Erick told her I posted his statement and that riled her. Eh, normal Weds in Mimiland. It wasn't until this morning that he fessed up to her what he had done and I BOW DOWN, this shit was MASTERFUL!

Apparently, Erick photoshopped a statement from me on Facebook announcing my adoration to Our President which then caused her to have an aneurism and partial coronary and text me relentlessly.

Please take a look at this gem! Well done Erick,well done:) psssst PAYBACK IS COMING!!

Some people shop on Ambien

I'll admit it, I'm an Ambien shopper. Socks, pug accessories, DVDs ... You name it, I'll buy it. If its argyle, plaid or pink....i want that too. I may or may not have purchased an adult sized Justin Bieber shirt....don't judge.

In any event, I found myself scouring petfinder.com in search of flat faces that need a forever home. Now let me say, my home is at flat face capacity but I'm more than happy to enrich the lives of others by finding and rescuing a flat face that will forever change their lives. I maintain my douchebag status but I do have a small glimmer of decency hidden beneath my sarcastic and assholish attitude.

Two nights ago, fifteen minutes into my Ambien hysteria, I come across Aunt Bea, a stunning 8 year old, partially blind, black pug and my heart MELTED! Not only that, she was only fifteen minutes away, I immediately emailed the shelter and within a few hours, I had planned her unelaborate bust from shelter land!

With a harness,leash,treats and a tummy full of anxious butterflies I couldn't wait to meet this sweet face. By all staff accounts, she's a model citizen and the most lovable companion in the world.

It crushed my soul to see her all alone in a kennel but the second our eyes locked, her curly tail took over in complete wag mode and she almost leapt through the kennel and into Sophie's arms!

With about an hour to kill before I had to pick up my clueless xy chromosomes from school, we headed for a walk to allow Aunt Bea to roam and get an idea of her leash manners, which are phenomenal!

She's visually challenged but manages nicely! My crew of flat faced Untustables welcomed her and she immediately made herself at home.

I'm not trying to push Ambien on you BUT I am eternally grateful for my Ambien web surfing because sweet Aunt Bea is asleep in my lap and I will find her a forever home that consists of complete adoration and love!

Accomplishing A Dream In Mimiland

Turning 33 in Mimiland was a big deal. Well, not really. It wasn't a big deal but I wanted big things! I got a black pug puppy (that is coming home very very soon), the most magnificent sprinkle cake every baked and tickets to see my favorite comedian in Chicago. Now, if you haven't seen Bret Ernst, allow me to assure you, your life is fucking lacking major shit. He is HYSTERICAL, pee your pants hysterical, giving you abs of steel hysterical. Take my word for it, HYSTERICAL! Shoot, hold on, watch this:

Watch This RIGHT NOW

Still with me? Go pee? Ready to settle in and read about the most amazing night of my life? So, the four hour drive and ticket prices were totally cool with my dream going experience because, in my head, I had already determined that I would be in the front row, he would most definitely do the "Tony" bit and I would leave Chicago the most fulfilled a woman can be.

I purposely purchased tickets to the late show with the thought that he would surely be around afterwards for a possible meet and greet and *IF* I got my photo with him....this would be icing on my sprinkle covered cake. My boys love him too, I know, at 8 and 10, it may not be the most appropriate comic entertainment but dayum, they have me as a mother, humor is a gift that I must pass along. Both boys were quite envious that Mommie was seeing our dream comedian without them but I promised that *IF* given the opportunity, I would relay the messages of adoration to Bret personally.

Upon arriving in the FAH-REEZING and windy city, and killing a few hours, I arrived at Zanies to wait in line to see Bret Ernst *squeal*. Of course, my front row dreams were dashed because others were way earlier than I was. We quickly made friends with the couple behind us who had never heard of Bret, I gushed about his comedic genius and we youtubed videos until they were almost as excited as I was.

The doors opened at 10:15 and we were shown our seats, second row, still a little disappointed but ecstatic. That is when Andrea and her boyfriend (the couple behind us) turned and offered us their front row seats. Who died and went to heaven, THIS GIRL! I hugged them with all my might and thanked them at least a billion times!

He came out, and WOWED us all. FUCKING HYSTERICAL. We even got to hear a new joke that will HOPEFULLY make his new Comedy Central Special because it is beyond hilarious! I laughed so hard that I lost my voice and now have abs that would rival that of that sadastic wench, Jillian Michaels. Afterwards, I couldn't wait to buy a shirt that said, "F*CK TONY!"

And there he was, greeting every single person leaving the show and personally selling shirts and taking photos. I bought my shirt and he offered to take SEVERAL photos! *swoon*, I fulfilled my promise to my boys to pass along their messages and he gave me a shirt that says,"Bret Ernst" to give the boys. I tried to pay for it and he refused. This man adores his fans. If you have a chance to see him live, GO! I must say, I was just as impressed with his HUGS (plural bitches, plural) AND KISS ON THE CHEEK as I was with his comedy. He is humble and phenomenal.

Mimiland is a place of euphoria!!

Gratitude

It's almost astonishing to believe that a resident selfish,spoiled brat like myself actually has sentimental moments of reflection that leave me absolutely speechless in gratitude. Of course, I never get there in a genuinely warm hearted way, sigh.

Here's how the story goes: a month ago, I fell head over heels IN LOVE. Swept off my feet, straight seventh heaven , love at first sight nonsense. That's right fella's, Mimi got an iPhone 4s. *swoon*

In describing my love for this devise, I may have said that now that I own an iPhone, I feel like before (with all of my other phones) I was like one of those starving Ethiopian children on the infomercials that I can't watch without sobbing uncontrollably and now I'm feasting on the most gourmet, devine foods.

Apparently, that made me an asshole. I was not making light of the starvation of anyone, I'll admit that being hungry is an agonizing feeling and that's just how I feel in the morning *sigh*


I will always remember my high school history teacher,Mr. Tyner, collecting toys for the children's hospital at Christmas time. The same hospital that would save my oldest sons life when he was three months old. Mr. Tyner taught us that you give for the feeling you get inside, not the recognition you get from those observing. I've never forgotten those words. At the time, I worked after school at a petstore, usually wasting my cash on movies,bowling and cassette tapes but that week, I spent my entire check on barbies, hotwheels and art supplies. After school, I carted my purchases up to his classroom and deposited them amongst all the other gifts that he would take to these miniature humans stuck in a hospital on Christmas.

That moment, that feeling, I still have when I donate time or money. You can't help every cause or every event but if you do what you can, it's magical.

You can volunteer at a pet rescue, help transport fur babies to their new homes or sponsor a pet still searching for their family. It's hard to choose your charity but follow your heart and you will realize, it's more rewarding than any material item you may acquire.

Pugarazzi

In pure Mimi fashion, I harass my children and flat faces with less than Kodak quality photographic assault. It's what I do. These are a few of my favorites from the past week or so :)

UNTRUSTABLES! I Blame Laura!!

I recently discovered that I'm not quite the perfect pug mom. Truly, I thought I was golden, after all....pugs don't repeat the foul language that flies out of Mom's mouth at a speed that would rival a cheetah on Red Bull. However, after pugsitting my flat faced pug nephews Salinger and Toby Stripey nose, I felt inadequate at best.

Allow me to tell you about my darling Laura. To know her is to live the ahit out of someone and know that only this other person will make you a fucking gift basket when you spend the night! Martha Stewart has *nothing* on her! She is impeccable in the kitchen, the perfect hostess and has the most giving heart in the entire world. Um, if she's reading this she knows I'm secretly calling her a DOOSHBAG out of sheer love and adoration for her. We can have full conversations at length using only profanity. Seriously,without an ounce of sarcasm, I do aspire to be more like her. Truth.

That being said, she's also a magnificent pug Mommie. She makes her boys scrambled eggs in the morning, yummy homemade food with their kibble at lunch and dinner and devine homemade treats. While feeding my curly tailed nephews, I realized that this level of momminess *might* be attainable for my crew of untrustables!

I've started making them scrambled eggs in the morning and for this, they adore me more. After ONE meager attempt at lopsided and hideous looking homemade treats, they appreciated my effort and gobbled them up.

With my momentum growing, I was determined to try again. I even bought cookie cutters. *sigh*

With flour in the kitchen, my lovely Bella climbed up Sophie's stool, knocked the flour over and proceeded to silently signal to her cohorts that shenanigans were now available to be had.

Mimi The Great was unaware until Trudy walked into the bedroom, hopped on my king sized hug from Jesus and looked up at me with innocence in her eyes and flour covering her mother f*cling face. Oy flippin vey dudes. Once she made her entrance, the other three felt pretty dayum confident in making their presences known. Flour faces and all.

This is kinda a sign to me that I deserve people to do this nonsense for me. Wouldn't you agree??