December 3, 2011


I've never hated and loathed any one place more in my life. As I've stated numerous times before, it is reeks of dispair,germ infested,snotty and hysterical children and every disease and virus known to man and carnival animals. I fucking hate this place. If profanity and obscene language offends you,please exit now...there's about to be a rant so overloaded with crude language that even the most seasoned potty mouths will be stunned.

Let me state that I avoid that god forsaken place with every ounce of my being. The *only* reason I went there was because they had my favorite corndogs.....a huge ass case of these delicious sumbitches at an extremely reasonable price.

Predictably,the minute we walked into the ecoli encrusted doors, I'm bombarded with at least a half dozen screaming and crying carrier monkeys of varies ages. Lovely. Were you aware that just walking through the door makes you regress to the slowest speed ever. Slow. I take that back,slow would be a vast improvement from the slug like pace these mo fo's were going. As expected, these life forms all know each other and must meet MID AISLE to begin their impromptu reuinon of freak show rejects. Listen mother f*ckers, the longer I'm in this ramshackled hut,the greater my chances are of contracting Walmart bred swine flu. In my head, all I hear is Ludacris rapping," MOVE BITCH,GET OUT THE WAY!" These bitches did not move and my initial polite "excuse me" went unnoticed. I shoved through. Fuckers.

I finally make it to my psuedo promised land where my delicious weenies on a stick should be and what the hell do ya know, they are OUT. O U T. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I'm damn near distraught and already have milk,bread and burritos that are essential in Mimi Land & hit the express check out. Express meaning FAST, right? Wrong! The assho (short for asshole) cashier has picked up on the slow facto and added a.dose of bitchy to the equation.

My whopping and disappointing $12.00 purchase was almost over,I swiped my debit card and she pushed something it cleared. She instructs me rudely to swipe it again. I press debit,it says wait for cashier. It should say wait for rude bitch,but I digress. I waited,them I POLITELY told her what it said on my screen, she sighs because you know asking her to do her job above and beyond what she is capable of. I've been a cashier, I'm not an asshole unless warranted and I know pressing *a* button is taxing but get over it and achieve your gdayum goals already.

"Swipe it again," she barks. I have fucking had it with this dirty ass place,its rude employees and hygiene deficient and germ spreading customers.

I said,"Customer service certainly isn't your strong suit is it?" I swiped my damn card and what do you know, she pushed the debit button and I was done! Sweet hell. I gathered my two measly bags and gave her eff off look. I plan on crafting a replica of Walmart later and refer to it as my VooDoo doll.

Corndogs be damned,I will not go to that pit of hell again!!! I went to Meijer and paid more but I did get my corn dogs! Winning!!!

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Winter Nonsense & Bedazzling

I was not designed for colder weather, I realize some people love it, however, I am not one of them. If given the option, I would happily hiberbate during winter to awaken in the spring in ONE layer of fashionable clothing and incredibly cute shoes after an insanely relaxing pedicure.

As it is, I'm in jeans and a sweater which is frumpy Indiana football mom chic. I will wear my FUGLY (fuggin ugly) uggs because despite your opinion on these less than elegant forms of footwear, they are warm and comfy. I did see black sequined UGGS that I need. These discoball-esque mofo's will be mine!!!! It will be my personal tribute to those cute little old ladies with the gold loafers and bedazzled windbreaker track suits with matching fannie packs.

Something about a good bedazzled item of clothing makes my heart smile. I don't own any bedazzled items but I can spot them a mile away. I once knew this lady that asked if it would be a good creative endeavor to bedazzle umbrellas to sell and make extra money. She didn't take into consideration that to bedazzling an umbrella would require holes being poked into the fabric,thus allowing water to seep in the holes and rendering the concept of this device useless. Who am I to hate? I say bedazzle this sumbish and see how it goes.

That being said, I do have severe bedazzling urges under the influence of Ambien and Captain Morgan. I fully envision bedazzling the shit out of fannie packs for all my friends for Christmas.......ah, what a sight!!!

As I put on my Adidas to battle the slushy tomfoolery outside to buy groceries for my ragtag crew of starving misfits, I already dread it. I can't have a captain first, laws prohibit me from driving any worse than I do now and I will be accompanied by my three kidlets who suffer from this ultra rare condition of endless talking,begging and interrogation style questioning that inevitability ends with spinning down aisles and knocking something over. Do you understand my need for an alcoholic beverage?? I'm begging my warm weather friends to adopt me for the winter!!! Please! I'm potty trained and almost self sufficient.

Love, your unhappily winterized prospective roommate!!

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In Memory

Today my hometown of Marion, Indiana gathered to celebrate the lives of The Harris Family. Ray Harris and his daughters Ramie and Shey were tragically taken one week ago today in a single plane accident leaving behind his wife (their mother ) and his son (their brother).

Please, think of this family and the community they so enthusically supported and volunteered in. They were laid to rest today and I ask you all to send your love to this grieving family and heartbroken community.

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