May 30, 2012


Do you know what today is?!? The last day of school, the very last day my Ashton Michael will be a third grader and my Pacey Mekhi a fourth grader, this also means its TRACK AND FIELD DAY!!! Wahoo!!

With the xy chromosomes safely deposited in testosterone filled competition land, and my daughter gardening with her Grammie,I knew this was my golden opportunity to finish my hand crafted teacher gifts before pick up time.

I came home to a quiet house, made the pugs breakfast of scrambled eggs and kibble and went into full crafty, gift finishing mode. Despite my great intentions and hard work, I decided these gifts would be perfect ONLY with a few additions that I could easily acquire at Target. With my arms full of gifts and empty gift bags and tissue paper, I managed to lock the kitchen door and shut it behind me with my foot and I won't lie, I felt like a fucking rockstar.

I walked through the garage and it was at this point, I realized my keys weren't in my hand and they were probably in my black hole of a bag. Shit. Sigh.

I carefully place my unfinished gifts on top of my car and look through my bag. Nothing. I sit on the garage floor and dumb that bastard out, no keys. I did find starbursts though,WIN!!

It is at this point, the wheels in my head start turning. I know exactly what I did, I locked myself out of my house AND my car. F U C K.

Get the hide a key, you suggest and I admit, it's a fantastic suggestion EXCEPT that I used that sumbitch last week and in pure Mimi fashion, I didn't put it back outside. Sawheeeet! So now I'm going window to window, assessing whether or not I can squeeze my ass through the window if by some miracle one hasn't been locked....which by the way is highly unlikely since I'm OCD about locking things just in case a psychotic, midget clown decides to break in and slaughter me. In fucking with these windows, I have annoyed the pugs to the point of actually waking up and now Cullen is SCREAMING and his cohorts are barking and howling. Great!! By the way, there were no unlocked windows.

Refusing to admit defeat, I go back Ito the garage and drink my bottle of water and brainstorm. I ponder kicking in the back door but I'm in flip flops and I'm pretty sure I'd just destroy my pedicure and injure my pride and remain LOCKED THE FUCK OUT.

Thank GAWD my iPhone was charged because some semblance of common sense kicked in and I remembered I gave my mom an extra key for emergencies such as this. I call her while she and Sophie were gardening and she graciously agreed to save my absentminded ass. Booyah!

Now that I've got a glimmer of hope, I decide to try the car doors JUST IN CASE, I don't much enjoy sitting on the garage floor unless I'm so drunk that I don't give a shit....problem is, I was stone cold sober!

All four doors are locked BUT the trunk is open and you can lay down the back seats and get into the car that way, WIN!! Never deny my resourceful nature and prowess!

I've now got my ass firmly planted in my lovely car waiting for my Mother to arrive and save the day! While I waited ,I organized the gifts in the trunk, cleaned out my car, found gum,mints,Cheetos and a bra and two pairs of socks. As I finished, my mom pulled in and I could see Sophie's giddy and smiling face in the backseat! I open the door to greet her and my heart SINKS! She has cut her the form of haphazard and bedraggled bangs. My mom didn't even notice, oy vey!!!

After all that ruckus, we did haul ass to Target, perfect our teacher gifts and wrap them just as I had envisioned and still made it for pick up on time. Now, what the fuck am I going to do with Princess Fashionista's "bangs"? Shit.

May 10, 2012

About Last Night

I enjoy a good prank, any sort of shenanigans....I fully support. Typically, I'm the ring leader and mastermind of these endeavors and truly, that is the most hysterical position to be in. Last night,however, I was pranced and had NO IDEA.

As y'all are well aware, my mother is a very strict catholic, right wing conservative gal and I am....well, I'm the fallen catholic,Kumbaya kinda girl which continuously leads to many heated arguments. It's a lot of fun fellas, lemme tell ya.

In this clusterfuck, we share a mutual friend,Erick. Oh yeah asswipe, I'm calling you OUT!

Yesterday, Our President announced his support for gay marriage and equality. Love him or hate him, ALL PEOPLE should share equality. Period.

I posted his statement on Facebook and didn't think much about it. My mom isn't my Facebook friend but Erick is and I know that anytime Erick has a chance to stir up some shit, that's what he is going to do and it is almost ALWAYS hysterical.

Last night, I receive a barrage of texts from my mother about Obama. AN OVERHAUL, I didn't click in any of the links. I told my Mom she was cute and that I loved her and no argument ensued. I figured Erick told her I posted his statement and that riled her. Eh, normal Weds in Mimiland. It wasn't until this morning that he fessed up to her what he had done and I BOW DOWN, this shit was MASTERFUL!

Apparently, Erick photoshopped a statement from me on Facebook announcing my adoration to Our President which then caused her to have an aneurism and partial coronary and text me relentlessly.

Please take a look at this gem! Well done Erick,well done:) psssst PAYBACK IS COMING!!

May 3, 2012

Some people shop on Ambien

I'll admit it, I'm an Ambien shopper. Socks, pug accessories, DVDs ... You name it, I'll buy it. If its argyle, plaid or pink....i want that too. I may or may not have purchased an adult sized Justin Bieber shirt....don't judge.

In any event, I found myself scouring in search of flat faces that need a forever home. Now let me say, my home is at flat face capacity but I'm more than happy to enrich the lives of others by finding and rescuing a flat face that will forever change their lives. I maintain my douchebag status but I do have a small glimmer of decency hidden beneath my sarcastic and assholish attitude.

Two nights ago, fifteen minutes into my Ambien hysteria, I come across Aunt Bea, a stunning 8 year old, partially blind, black pug and my heart MELTED! Not only that, she was only fifteen minutes away, I immediately emailed the shelter and within a few hours, I had planned her unelaborate bust from shelter land!

With a harness,leash,treats and a tummy full of anxious butterflies I couldn't wait to meet this sweet face. By all staff accounts, she's a model citizen and the most lovable companion in the world.

It crushed my soul to see her all alone in a kennel but the second our eyes locked, her curly tail took over in complete wag mode and she almost leapt through the kennel and into Sophie's arms!

With about an hour to kill before I had to pick up my clueless xy chromosomes from school, we headed for a walk to allow Aunt Bea to roam and get an idea of her leash manners, which are phenomenal!

She's visually challenged but manages nicely! My crew of flat faced Untustables welcomed her and she immediately made herself at home.

I'm not trying to push Ambien on you BUT I am eternally grateful for my Ambien web surfing because sweet Aunt Bea is asleep in my lap and I will find her a forever home that consists of complete adoration and love!