January 26, 2012

Sometimes Things Just Suck

Yesterday was just awful. You know those days, as good as your intentions are or as productive as you plan to be, absolutely everything goes badly. Badly is an understatement. It began as a small ball of clusterfuckdom that rolled rapidly into a big ass ball of clusterfuckedness and eventually morphed into the queen mother of all clusterfuckedness into full fledged FLUCKED. Yes, that bad. 

I typically pride myself in my ability to laugh at everything, let things roll off my back or at least find the humor in the bad and forge through with a smile on my face and another story to log away into Mimiland history. However, I could have absolutely done without yesterday as a whole.

I don't like to discuss politics with people, certain people especially. It is my personal belief that everyone is entitled to their beliefs in this arena and I respect them whether I agree with them or not. HOWEVER, I find that when people discuss these matters, you'll often find that some people cannot speak about these things without resorting to name calling, belittling and attacks on another person and I just have no room or desire to read it, hear it or take part in it whatsoever. 

With the State of the Union Address still a hot topic, I posted on my Facebook wall asking my friends to please refrain from posting politically related things ON MY PERSONAL WALL or ON MY THREADS. I don't care what you do on your wall, or newsfeed, whatever. I can skim past that without an issue. I just requested that there not be an effort to take a post and place it on my wall/timeline or take my non-political post and add political nonsense to it. I didn't feel as if I was infringing upon anyone's rights to say whatever they wanted to say, I just requested that it not be in my personal area in MimiLand. I still don't feel that this is unreasonable. 

Upon posting this request, my mother immediately responded that she would be unfriending me and did so immediately. I'll admit, I was stunned. MY MOTHER, the woman who gave birth to me, raised me and helped shape the woman I am today just rejected me over a request. I know it seems trivial, because it is just Facebook but I can assure that I having your mother publicly announce she is unfriending you, doing so and then posting on her page that she deleted me because she will not be silenced by any one and she still loves me. Of course, in doing so, she had her facebook friends begin to rail on me and glorify her. After all, she's doing the right thing since I'm "censoring" her, right? 

Honestly, I had hoped not to many people "saw" the trainwreck but my people are certainly observant. I had messages, texts, calls, emails. It was apparent my humiliating and mortifying nonsense had been seen. I'm not a private person by any means but I'm never one to freely discuss this nonsense out in the open. Gawd. 

I'm a strong girl, I hide hurt feelings for as long as I can but I will admit that I was and am CRUSHED. I don't agree with the vast majority of what my mom thinks or believes. I've been embarrassed on more than one occasion by things she has posted on my page, on my posts and towards my friends but never ONCE did I ask her to change her beliefs or silence them. My MINOR request was dealt with in this manner. I was belittled, berated and talked about on my MOTHER'S post and not even once did she defend me. Blood is thicker than water, right? 

I wasn't going to cry. I hate crying and I damn sure wasn't going to allow her the pleasure of knowing how upset I was. As the minutes passed, I got more upset until I was devastated. It isn't facebook, I can live forever without her being on my facebook. Let's face it, 98% of it is either inappropriate or something she considers stupid and the other 2% is vaguely about her. That is a nonissue. I was rejected by a person that I should have been able to count on never rejecting me or talking badly about me publicly, with strangers and family members. I wanted to keep it in, brush it off, but it hurts. Reading what was said only made it worse and it took everything I had not to cry at that moment. I did relent, I cried and then I cried some more and I learned an astounding lesson. 

Blood doesn't necessarily dictate family. My family is made up of people who love me no matter what I believe, who accept me at my most assholish times and respect my rights and beliefs. I don't want to change who I am for anyone, I like who I am. Yes, I screw up. I make mistakes but I strive everyday to be the kind of person that I would want my children to be. I'm gullible, I give the benefit of the doubt and I do get screwed over. I have a temper, especially when my feelings get hurt.  I cried a little more, I was totally unaware of how much I could actually cry, pathetic really! I had the ugly Oprah cry happening, then I got the hiccups, oy!! Then I posted on Facebook. In my way, it made me feel better since so many of my favorite people actually "saw" what happened.
Wouldn't you know, at 32, I'm still learning. I pride myself in being a pretty strong girl, I can hold it together and keep my chin up and deal with the immediate issues at hand but there does come a point when the strongest girl has to admit defeat and let go.

I'm not perfect. I'm the antithesis of perfect. I'm vain, selfish,demanding,prissy, undomestic, irrational,impatient,delusional and my ...art of profanity has made the crudest foul mouths blush. I have a million flaws but for every single one, there are stellar things that go unnoticed.

I make misguided decisions, I laugh when I shouldn't, I joke when I should be serious but above all things, I accept YOU for who YOU and I wouldn't change YOU for the world. Uniqueness is the most magnificent gift, you are the only one there will ever be and people need to know you.

The things I believe in, the issues that I'm passionate about, mean so much to me that I'll fight endlessly for them. I will not allow another persons beliefs or judgements to diminish or dilute how I feel but I will *never* cut you out of my life for disagreeing with me. This is why we live amongst so much sadness and hate. I won't live like that.

The people in my world are my LIFE, there is nothing on earth I wouldn't do for them. Families are born in so many ways, none of them should be taken forgranted. Today, as much as it hurts, is an outstanding lesson. I'm loyal to the people that make my heart swell with happiness, that cry with me when I'm falling apart and don't judge me for caring about the things I do.

l like being a dreamer, an idealist and a girl that acts with her heart first. I live to teach my children to love fully, laugh constantly and accept everyone. I might cry today but sadness is temporary, my rainbow is coming ♥
I felt better just posting it, even if no one read it, just saying it helped. In return, I have never felt so loved. I was overwhelmed by the kind words, thoughts and sense of belonging. THESE people are family. My advice to you is, take every every heartbreak and feel every single ugly moment of it. Cry, cry some more and feel it, all of it and then share it because people really do care and they do want to make you feel loved and noticed. If you've made it through this insane rambling, I THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU and you will ALWAYS be noticed in Mimiland! xoxo

January 19, 2012

Mimiland Clusterfluck

Yes, I realize that well over ninety percent of Mimiland activity does consist of this clusterfluck state of mind, however, this is out of my control and I do not currently require a reminder of this nonsense. To truly start at the "beginning", I have to tell ya'll that I didn't drag my behind to bed until well after 2am. Yes, I am aware of how important sleep is but I beg you to understand how important Mimi quiet time is. Mimi quiet time consists of me doing whatever the hell I feel like doing without having to answer a million questions, get up to check on a sibling situation between the kidlets or break up a pug orgy. Mimi time is crucial to the well being and functionality of Mimiland. So when it does finally get quiet around here, I take full advantage and have to eventually FORCE myself to go to bed because I'm enjoying the hell out of quiet Mimi time.

I don't need to tell you that when you only have three hours of sleep under your belt, you might not be in the best state of mind or in use of all of your faculties. Just sayin. The trio are in the car, fighting quietly amongst themselves and dammit, that's good enough for me. It hasn't risen to full blown ruckus yet and I figure it is good for them to figure this nonsense out on their own. Unfortunately for me, this self resolution does not become a priority for any of them and the full blown ruckus I was hoping to avoid is brought to fruition when my ten year old mini wise ass in training decides to put his hand on his sisters face. Like, his palm is ON HER FACE. For what reason, I do not know. I can't begin to rationalize much of what a penis haver does and this certainly doesn't make any sense to me. What I do know, is that Sophie has NO appreciation for having her face touched in such a manner and proceeds to go batshit crazy. BATSHIT CRAZY! "He's touching me! NO!!! STOP!!! HIS...HAND...IS...ON...MY...FACE!" 

Yeah, imagine that in an earth shattering screech. I'm driving in the damn dark because the sun isn't even up yet and these fools are in the back seat touching each other and screeching willy nilly. Have I mentioned I hate mornings and I only slept three hours? OY! At this point, I'm wondering how easy it would be to access Nancy Grace's home number, followed by Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton and possibly Gloria Alred. I figure, if I'm going down in a blaze of glory, I may as well have these fella's on the line to hear exactly what went down at the scene of the crime. I did consider Skypeing them, so they could be eye witnesses to the sheer madness because I'm fairly sure they could make my case for me. 

I pull Lucie Lancer over and without even ONE dirty word, I issue the warning of all electronics being banished from Mimiland, all holidays whether they be religious, ceremonial or traditional will be of no existence from this point forward. I may or may not have also mentioned that as the Mom, I do have many incriminating photos that could possibly make their way to facebook and cause impending humiliation for years to come. And ya know what??? SILENCE! Oh sweet Jesus, SILENCE!I was almost so giddy I could cry, ALMOST. It was at the time I allowed my complete joy sink in that the quiet one, Ashton Michael is now hysterical because last night when he told me his homework was finished and I checked the homework he had actually completed, he withheld a spelling assignment he figured he could probably do on the way to school but he hadn't factored on leaving the newspaper he needed at home. 

Apparently, he had to write all his spelling words, then find these words in a newspaper, cut them out and glue them to a piece of paper. In thinking this lame tomfoolery through, it then occurred to him that he also didn't bring scissors or glue, both of which aren't allowed in my Lucie anyway. Straight A Ashton loses it. "Can we stop at Target? Do they have newspapers? Glue? Scissors? I can't miss an assignment, I'll miss recess, ETC!" It went on and on and on. I mean, DUDE, I asked you this last night. I asked if your spelling work for the week was done and you said it was and happily got on your DSi to play Sonic or some equally dude-ish game. NEWSFLASH, Target is not open before God and the sun. Sorry. 

Now, what I should have done was told him too damn bad and took him to school without his homework and let him suffer. But nah, I ran into Meijer and we got the necessary items to complete this moronic task but he will be doing it himself on the way to school and if he gets glue in my car, he will be scrubbing that thing TOP to BOTTOM. This was a great plan in theory. He writes out his spelling words effortlessly and then starts looking up words in the paper to cut out. Therein lies the challenge. Do you know how random it would have to be to have some of these words in the newspaper? Worm? Verb? I mean, first of all, he's in third grade, he's been spelling worm and verb for a few years now. Secondly, unless I find a story about verb using worm, I'm shit out of luck. The tears start again. Oy! I feel for the kid, I know you want to have this done but it is not possible time wise. We haven't found ONE word in all of USA Today so far and school starts in five minutes. 

I'm starting to get upset for him then he shrugs it off, "I guess I could use my homework pass."

Me: "Homework pass?" 

Ashton: "Yeah, if I turn in my pass, I won't have to do it at all. I bought it with Kady Kash and so I guess I could use it. "

I'm fluckin' irritated as all hell now. This mo fo had me running in stores looking like some nightmare and purchasing nonsense crap I have at home to do a homework assignment that you really could've gotten a pass on from minute one? REALLY? He skips into school leaving me with the diva who is now insisting she has to pee RIGHT NOW. Flucking hell man! We go to the gas station and THANK GAWD I have Clorox wipes in my car so I can attempt to disinfect this ecoli and mad cow disease ridden public restroom somewhat before allowing my daughter to make a sissy. I hate public restrooms, you don't know who or what used them last *shudder* She goes, we wash hands and high tail it out of there.

I'm thinking after that morning, I ought to be smooth sailing now. WRONG. I get stuck behind a fool that at sight of ONE SNOWFLAKE slows down to half the speed limit. I shit you not. HALF. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a good driver but even I can handle A SNOWFLAKE without losing control of the ability to use my right foot to accelerate. Finally, after passing this inept douchebag, I get home to let my coalition of ill behaved flat faces out to potty at the exact time that the snow really starts coming down. 

Some dogs love the snow. Cullen, Joey and Tru don't seem to mind as long as it isn't below freezing. Bella, however, is not so happy about this fact. She walks onto the deck, stops cold and starts shaking in a pathetic state. Eventually, they all go and we go back inside and I'm wiping paws down. I fed the feline that lives here and left the cat food container sitting on the kitchen table while I clean up the snowy paw prints on the kitchen floor and at some point, Joey barks, Sookie hisses and jumps up on the table, knocking the cat food everywhere. EVERY FLUCKING WHERE. The pugs have just lost their ever lovin' minds, shoving their faces to the floor to devour every piece of cat foot they can find and in the process have knocked over their water and made a huge flucking mess. Not to be outdone, Sophie comes running through the house, straight into the kitchen and busts her ass in this water / cat foot tsunami. 

All I'm sayin is, if you catch me drinkin before noon, don't judge.

January 18, 2012


Life in Mimiland is never dull and today only further proved this point. After depositing the xy chromosomes in educationland, Sophie Anabelle and I made our trek home, singing happily to the radio when we happened to pass a FIRETRUCK. This, of course, sends her into a monologue about her trip to the firestation with her preschool class. She went into great detail about the station, the beds, the television and kitchen, you know, all that way important stuff that all four year olds cannot live without. Then she says, "We saw two cute firemen and got to get on the *TIREFUCK*!" My head snaps up. I've made it no secret that I adore profanity, it makes me happy and I can use it with such eloquence and grace that it is truly astounding! However, I do not EVER want this profanity to leave the lips of my stunning preschool princess. EVER. Surely, I heard wrong, right? I clear my throat, "You did what?" Now I'm convinced I must have misinterpreted what she said. Really, this nonsense just isn't possible. She repeats herself with more force, "We got on the *tirefuck* and they turned on the woowoo's (sirens)." Tirefuck? Tirefuck? What in the blue hell is a tirefuck and how the hell did my daughter learn about it? I'm wracking my brain, what the hell is a dayum tirefuck?? OH!!! I have it! "Do you mean a FIRETRUCK?" She nods happily, "Yeah Mom, that's what I said. A tirefuck!" Ahhh, alright. Tirefuck it is!!

January 6, 2012

Just another Friday in MimiLand!

Oh. My. God. Eff word! Oy! Fluck! I take the xy chromosomes to school, come home and Princess Lady had requested the gourmet breakfast of Eggos,this is a masterpiece that I am capable of "cooking".

Eggos are started, pugs are fed....hell, I even fed the feline that resides here. This is truly the most action my kitchen has seen in months.

Eggos pop up and I'm checking to ensure the syrup is warm. Not looking, I masterfully open the cabinet to obtain the almighty hello kitty plate that Princess Lady requires for her royal meals.

Apparently, I didn't shut the cabinet door....so, in my gung ho movement to get the mother effin Eggos out of the mother effin toaster,I smacked FACE EFFIN FIRST right into the cabinet door. SMACK!!<---THAT WAS ME.

Silence was rather brief before a profanity laced tirade poured from my very proper,ladylike mouth. My hand to God, Oprah and Tom Cruise, I saw stars. I am not entirely sure I didn't pee a little. I look over, Sophie Anabelle is happily twirling in the center of the room, oblivious to the entire incident. The flat faces are staring at me with fear and humor on humor faces.... then Cullen pisses in the floor. Yes, its Friday in MimiLand!

January 4, 2012

Say it with me!! Hallelujah!!

I'm so excited I could jump for joy, I could pee my pants, I could scream for joy at the top of my lungs. Tomorrow is the day I have been anxiously awaiting since about day two of winter vacation.

Don't get me wrong people, we had a  lot of fun, we did a lot of things and bonded over Harry Potter, star gazing, and Pug nonsense. We read books,played games and watched YouTube endlessly. We enjoyed a stellar holiday with amazing people and somehow completely effed the perfect and functional routine we had going on.

Late bedtimes. By late bedtimes, I mean almost non-effing-existent. Were you aware that the mere mention of bedtime evokes the feeling of instant urination in all three children at the same time? As it turns out, this feeling will last at least an hour, maybe two...concurrently despite the unforseen trips to the restroom to rectify this situation.

Bedtime also brings to mind random and very detailed information that must be relayed to Mommie intermittently every few minutes until a look of annoyance and borderline rage flashes across her face. This fearless trio is not detoured, the grand inquisition continues until Mommie Dearest emerges and DSi's are confiscated and Little Orphan Annie is THISCLOSE to being a dvd of nonexistence.

Oy! Now I'm parched, Mimi time has *finally* arrived....right?? Guess again!! Nah, this is the time where one of three (and you never know which one) will have an asinine crisis. The most recent being the loss of Rapunzels essential accessory,her crown. Yes, this ranks up high within my biggest lifes worries. World peace, equality for everyone, ending bullying and ya know, finding this psuedo Barbies's crown. Fluck.

Once its all said and done, the lunatics are asleep, the pugs are snoring and quiet time in MimiLand shall commence, except its now my bedtime. Wtf!

Typically, we can get this bedtime tomfoolery wrapped up in 30 minutes or less, unfortunately, vacation derailed this train violently. I've been trying to get us back into the routine with absolutely no results whatsoever. These beautiful jerks will not go to sleep at the required appointment with dreamland. Do they not understand how important sleep is, or how crucial Mimi time is??? Clearly, not. After eventually falling asleep unbelievably late, these weirdos wake up before God and the sun wanting to talk about cereal and ihop. Dude!?!

Mornings are not my finest hours in life. I'm tired, cold, annoyed and almost a mute. I don't want to talk to anyone,nor do I wish to be talked to. In fact, I want to go right back to bed. My children share this distaste for mornings and therefore,it is usually a nonevent. Not on vacation. With only a few small hours of sleep under their belts,they are having "Oprah's lightbulb moments" left and right and they need to verbalize this shenanigans right effing now!!

Once they've been fueled with the most yummy pop tarts available at Target, they're on full annoyance search and destroy missions. Overachievers. Oy! It's an insane clusterfuck of bickering, rattling and pugs snorting,really!?!

The light at the end of the tunnel is *finally* here!! Tomorrow, I get to drop them off and know they're in phenomenal, professional care!!!!! Yaaay!!

January 2, 2012

Domestically Challenged

Let me first say, it isn't that I don't care, it is simply that I don't want to. I'm a competitive person and a self admitted poor sport. Don't worry, I'm not going to pull a Tyson and bite your ear off in an unsportsmanlike rampage but if I have the knowledge that I'm not particularly good at something, I prefer to focus my attention elsewhere.

I've never really enjoyed cooking,cleaning,grocery shopping or anything that requires me to spend asinine amounts of time doing something that will quickly be eaten and gone, made filthy once again or reorganized shortly after I've just organized it. Unfortunately,these desires do not always sit well with my OCD but my ADD and lack of attention makes all of this nonsense balance. Go ahead,wrap your mind around that.

So,in all of this holiday nonsense and my two penis havers and miss diva being home on break, things in Mimiland are slightly amiss. I love these lunatics more than life,I'd do absolutely anything for them day or night HOWEVER, I'll be the first to admit, they're driving me to the land of no return.

No Pacey, I don't have any earthly idea of how telescopes are.put together and try as I might, at 32 years of age, I cannot pick a constellation out of the sky to save my life. I *want* to assist you,I really do little dude but I truly cannot. Any star nerds.here?? Help!!

Ashton Michael, I enjoy playing board games with you. Hell, the Mommie in me even enjoys allowing you to beat me at Scrabble when we both know that I'm a word nerd and a phenomenal speller. What I do not want to do is play scrabble,yahtzee, sorry,connect four, monopoly,apples to apples and cranium RIGHT NOW. I also cannot figure out how to construct a battleship out of some kit. I was not gifted with the crafty gene. But by all means,keep asking me over and over and over again....just in case.

That leaves us with the way fabulous Miss Sophie Anabelle that insists on hourly costume changes, costume changes for her ensamble of Princess Barbies and alas costume changes for her imaginary friends "Shaddy" and Shaddy Boa". Oy! Then Miss lady insists we do makeovers and tea. Now we all know, I love makeovers and costume changes but this chick is BOSSY and her make up applications leave much to be desired. When Tammy Faye Baker is upstaged.....there is an issue.

As you can see, MimiLand is being overrun by little people....and they're undeniably selfish. Sheesh. Motherhood is super not as fashionable as you might imagine.

Suffice it to say,in an attempt to retain what little sanity was.left, I *might* have ignored unnecessary domestic slave labor. Instead, I opted to use and wear almost every single item of clothing in MimiLand as opposed to doing laundry. Domestic or not, I love the smell of clean laundry.....just not enough to actually do it. Yes, I have the ability, I lack the gumption.

Getting to my last pair of clean jeans, socks,etc.....I bit the bullet and washed every single piece of worn clothing in the house....and car. Yes, car. Sometimes I just have to change. After it all smelled lovely,I piled it all on my king sized bed and resigned myself to the fact that folding,hanging and putting away all these devine smelling fabrics was my fate.

I shut myself in my room and stared at this heap of cleanliness,I could easily spot a few of my favorite things. Naturally,I stared some more and texted Lori. I texted Lori some more,then Amber and Jessica. Then I checked Facebook, read a few of my favorite blogs and turned on Pandora. You'd be surprised how much I can avoid when I'm listening to Pandora and texting. Bruno Mars and I had a moment *sigh* I folded a shirt, hung up another,WAHOO!

Then a song came on I had to sing along to...off key....blissfully aware that singing is not my forte. Then, of course, I had to YouTube it. Afterwards, I checked Victoria's Secret website, holy shit!!! A sale. Another 30 minutes gone.

It was at this time I felt it imperative to send a cry for help in the form of a photo. Here's the thing people, I know this needs done. I want it done and put away nicely, I just don't want to be the one to do it. I fold a little more,text more than that and play more fun music and still, there's so much left to do. Sigh.

Guess what?? In MimiLand, a musical might help. The Book of Mormon??? YES! I text Amber, we really must see this Broadway sensation, and while we're at it, Darren Criss will be on Broadway too! GIRL TRIP!!!!!

You know what might help?? A drink!! Yes,that's it. After my texting has died down, people on Facebook have gone about their lives and I have managed to bore myself, I suck it up and fold,hang and put away all of the laundry. Lord.

I said all of that to say this, I know so many amazing women who go to the grocery, plan and execute big,delicious meals,clean the kitchen and then go about their next task. Here I am, drooling on the VS site,taking inventory of my shoes and wishing I had a maid. Truly, I have zero use for a kitchen. It would make an impeccable and large closet....hmmm.

I *bowdown* to all of you domestic goddesses! You are astounding!!