September 3, 2012

Well played Untrustables, well played!

The flat faces in Mimiland have been oddly quiet as of late. It was almost refreshing after the whole "Operation Fuck up Mommies Blinds" of late August.

Hurricane Isaac's remnants are hitting Mimiland and a good monsoon seemed to be the perfect recipe to actually super clean my house.

Honing in on the kitchen, I mopped the floors MYSELF. I fucking hate mopping the floors but I did it spectacularly in cute shoes. Not heels, but Vera Wang ballet flats nonetheless. Really, mopping and vacuuming rank right up there with going to WalMart on purpose or a public colonoscopy. The floor dried and the untrustables gathered at my feet as I gathered and bagged garbage and sat it by the door to be taken out the moment the torrential downpour eased. Feeling slightly accomplished, I took a selfish moment to pee. What in the blue hell was I thinking!?

I peed, washed my hands and returned to the kitchen where I interrupted mass fucking destruction of the garbage! LuLu's fat ass is sitting IN a pizza box licking any nibble of cheese she can find, Bella and Joey are ripping apart roughly two boxes of Kleenex that has been disposed of this week and Cullen and Petey are balls (well, empty ball sacs) deep in watermelon while Trudy goes sibling to sibling, graciously accepting and shredding their trash scraps.

They pause slightly to take in my reaction of,"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" before proceeding to chew the hell out of the trash.

Dogshaming! Puhlease. Amatuers!

August 28, 2012

Sympathy isn't lost on me,HOWEVER....

I'll be the first to admit, I have insanely awesome human miniatures. Sure, they're jerks that rip at my self esteem and sanity at every waking turn but they have eclectic and awesome musical tastes.

Pacey loves classical music, hard rock, punk, pop and rap. He loves soundtracks and Muse is his go-to band along with Linkin Park. Ashton is my old soul, The Beatles, The Monkees,Green Day, Run DMC, My Chemical Romance, One Direction and Jay Z. Miss Sophie Anabelle is a full on Bieber enthusiast but adores GaGa, Taylor Swift, Carly Rae Jepsom and Jay Z.

Judge all you want but two things you'll never doubt about my trio and I---we love GLEE and JayZ. Boom. I'm not ashamed.

Once Sophie asked why a song being played sounded so sad and I had to explain to her that it was country music. Bah. I digress.

After two long football practices and a trip to grandmas, we finally came home and I started dinner while Thing One,Thing Two and Thing Three put Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT on the tv to watch.

They love this movie and watch It daily only TODAY Sophie asked of we could go see Michael Jackson in concert.

I replied simply that no, he wasn't alive anymore so the best we can do is watch this. Now, the kids and I have discussed his death time and again with Sophie present and never once did we encounter an issue. Not today buddy. Her jaw drops, hands on her hips,"HE'S DEAD!? Forever!?!"

At this point, her chin is trembling and the diva sob is working its way to fruition,"I LOOOOOOOVE MICHAAAAEL JACKKKKKSON! He can't be dead! I love him! Please can we go, please!?"

Now look, I snuggled her, brought her tissues and a glass of water and she's still crying Oprah style with hiccups ad I'm just OVAH it.

Apparently, I should have been able to facilitate a meet and greet PRE death and I failed.

It's 11:30 pm, she's no longer crying but she's decided she's going to the concert anyway. I imagine the concert in question is to be determined!

August 21, 2012

Shame The Untrustables--Blog Style

Let me just take this moment to say that the past few weeks have been a chaotic blur that can be best described as an ass massive CLUSTERFUCK!

We went from being balls deep in summer, late bedtimes, water parks, drive in movies and the addition of Petey Pablo and Lulu to our crew to attempting to get on a school schedule and two football practices a day.

Last week, my trio started school in grades 5, 4 and Kindergarten. In all the back to school shopping, preparing and starting, we have yet to adjust or manage our time in a sufficient manner. Suffice it to say, I'm fucking exhausted---picture a zombie fromThe Walking Dead but slightly more alive and the stress level of some CEO with a sex scandal on his hands.

With a few hours free, I decide a nap is essential and snuggle in for a peaceful dose of much needed recuperation. I flung my jeans off and hopped in bed, switched my iPhone to silent and dozed the hell off.

Now just before I reach the portion of heavenly rest where Hines Ward and I unite for kissy time, a symphony of LOUD AS SHIT barking and snorting commences in the family room, followed by a bang which I imagined was Trudy running into the wall....again. Oy vey.

With my eyes still shut, I sincerely hope the barking will cease and I can drift back off into dreamland. Does it cease? Oh HAIL NAH, no it does not. What it does do is become louder and more incessant. I have no choice but to haul my ass outta bed and see what these felons have done now. Truly, I didn't expect anything atrocious....JOKES ON ME!

I walk through the hallway of disheveled blankets that they've pulled out of the laundry, down the hallway and into the family room that should be dim considering that I hadn't opened the blinds but hell nah, it's bright. Like, the clouds parted and Jesse Jackson looked down upon me and cursed me with brilliant light and that's when I realize what these assholish jagaloons have done.

Before I share with you the utter decimation that these jerks have caused, let me first tell you that Trudy Loo AKA Tru has long held the title of #1 deviant. Trudy was named after my favorite Reno 911 deputy Trudy Weigel and has lived up to this name if not superseding the bullshit and ignorant quota associated with this name. She licks windows, always has something in her mouth-whether it be a squinkie, hot wheel, q tip, VS panties, socks, wrappers to anything, toilet paper, socks, cat and dog shit ( she doesn't discriminate) and tampons. Yes, used fucking tampons. That particular discovery happened at a family gathering right through the house with my daughter screaming hysterically because she was sure Tru caught a naked mole rat. *thud* suffice it to say, Tru has always been the main mischief maker in Mimiland. However, her title is hanging in the balance after what I just witnessed with Petey Pablo and Cullen Carlisle. Nutless bastards.

Picture this, blankets strewn about through the hallway and living room and a blinding light in the family room, barking, snorting and Cullen SCREAMING bloody murder is getting louder and louder and that's when I get a full view of my blinds. Holy fucking shit. It wasn't just my blinds but the two fat, flat faced fucks stuck IN my ripped to fucking shreds blinds and the four "innocent"(and i use that term loosely) going batshit crazy around them.

At this point, Cullen bolts out of the blinds and Petey's harness gets caught in the blinds and he's just stuck. I managed to get one photo that won't upload for shit but I will not rest until it does.

During this ruckus and the slew of profanity that exited my mouth with perfect fluidity --Trudy pisses all over the hardwood floors. That little tinkle sent them to "DA BIG LOCKDOWN" as opposed to being baby gated while I assess and reconstruct damage. Rarely are they ever subjected to such torture. If you look really closely at the one photo that will upload that there are also nose and ass prints all over the window as they were going HAM, barking at our mail carrier. Classy.

Anyone want to pug sit!?

August 20, 2012

The Mimiland Untrustables send juju to Brando

If I've said it a billion times, I still wouldn't be saying it enough, pug people are the greatest people in the world! Dear friends of mine, Jay and Jeremy opened their hearts and home to an older flat face that they named Brando. I'll say that I lobbied for his name to be Henri but apparently since its their baby and not mine, I don't get to name him, Whatevah. Ha! He is now Brando - a name that truly suits him to a t!

Jay stumbled across Brando on eBay classifieds and couldn't deny this fella a real forever home. His previous owner neglected him grossly, bred him incessantly and simply got rid of him when he no longer suited her particular needs. I think she's a wretched DOOSH. Just sayin.

Upon saving this baby, he wasn't feeling well and was taken to the bet where it was discovered that in his lifetime, Brando simply existed. The way he carried himself indicated he had spent his life in a crate, very little interaction and sick with heartworms.

Heartworms are easily tested for and quite preventable. There's no excuse for a pug, or any pet for that matter, to suffer with such an easily preventable disease that can kill them. My crew of ill behaved untrustables are on a monthly pill, trifexis, which is their flea and heartworm pill combined. I pay $18 dollars a pill a month to ensure this fatal disease remains at bay---an extremely small price to pay for the peace of mine and health of my flat faces.

Poor Brando has heartworms, a yeast infection, ear mites in addition to hookworms and "whips". This poor little guy had never experienced REAL love and companionship OR a healthy existence....UNTIL NOW!

Jay and Jeremy have opened their hearts, home and finances to do anything it takes to heal Brando from the inside out. These guys are my heros, not only saving Brando's life PHYSICALLY but giving him the love and family that he so desperately deserves!

From myself, Pacey, Ashton and Sophie Anabelle (my human miniatures) and Bella, Cullen, Trudy Loo, Joey, Petey Pablo and Talulah Eloise and even that stinkin feline Sookie: GET WELL BRANDO! We love you and send all the juju and shenanigans imaginable for a speedy recovery and a lifetime of love and snuggles from your daddies! My untrustables have it on good account that Uncle Jay and Aunt Jeremy are two of the best people on earth! Psssst: a gift from us will arrive soon :)

August 3, 2012

Unholy Bat Apocolypse

As a young girl with long hair, I was told that if a bat got tangled in your hair, it would get tangled, bite the hell out of you and inevitably give you rabies.

Now y'all have surely seen the episode of The Office where Michael hits Meredith with his car, cracks her pelvis and it's at the hospital that it's discovered that she contracted rabies from an unrelated issue when Dwight trapped her head in a bag with a bat, right? This fear is totally founded and logical. So what if I have short hair now, bats are still very futile vermin.

Picture this, we're at my moms house catching up and whatnot and she tells us there's a bat upstairs and it's hanging from my sisters bedroom doorframe asleep. Naturally, my hooligans want to see this flying terror in its upside down, sleeping state. I fucking don't.

My sister instructs them to be silent and they trot upstairs to take in the vision of this nocturnal mother fucker in all it's glory. I do not. I'm not above letting my kids see Mommie has a little bit of sense and a healthy amount of fear.

It takes roughly thirty minutes of me obsessing over this little bastard before I decide I need to see this shit in real life. I sneak up the stairs all on my tip toes....cause you know that's the most quiet way to go about not waking a bat. I look to the right and sure as shit, that sumbitch is hanging from the doorway. And my hand to Oprah, Tom Cruise, Tim Tebow and God---the fucker IMMEDIATELY TURNED ITS HEAD TOWARDS ME AND OPENED ITS MALICE FILLED EYES!

Mind you, it's still hanging but that hate machine is awake. I HAUL ASS down the hallway, turn the corner and gently knock on the bathroom door in an immediate plea to get someone to catch this rabid bitch before I meet my end. I wanna swim with dolphins, kiss Hines Ward and strive for world peace while vacationing in Australia and New Zealand----none of which can be accomplished if I die at the will of a bat.

It is MID-FUCKING-KNOCK that this homicidal bitch flies around the corner and straight at my mother fucking face. AT MY FACE.

I know everyone thinks I'm exaggerating but I shit you not fella's, STRAIGHT FOR MY FUCKING FACE.

I do what any reasonable girl would do when a bat on bath salts decides to go HAM on me, I screamed bloody murder people---bloody effin murder---and hit the g'dayum floor.

BOOM-Mimi down! Mimi down! I didn't stop there! Still screaming *and crying* real fucking tears, I army crawl (in a sundress) down the hallway, tuck myself in the tornado position against the bookcase.

Shame was lost on me. I hear my sister Lillie coming up the stairs and I manage to look up and yell,"NO! GO DOWNSTAIRS,IT'S ALIVE!"

Apparently, this greedy bat bitch has now heard my plea for help and we make fucking eye contact and he swoops again. I almost threw up, I went from the fetal position with my hands covering my head to down flat, praying Oprah,Gayle and Nancy Grace would show up and save the day!

Alas, the bat was caught in a net and set free to terrorize someone else. Now, not only do my trio regularly like to tell my tale of horror BUT they also know that Mommie will scream like a little bitch if a bat apocolypse should ever occur. Nice.

July 28, 2012

Petey Pablo and Talulah "LULU" Eloise and their ANGELS!

I believe in fate, everything happening for a reason. Whatever should be, will be.

If you asked me ONE WEEK AGO what I'd be doing, I can assure you that driving to Michigan to rescue two 7 year old pugs that were essentially confined to a hallway was not on my agenda.

With my foster, Emma Bea, happily settled into her forever home, I did have an emptiness that nagged at me but I knew that fostering right now wasn't an option.

My twin in profanity & pug adoration,Laura, came across a friend of a friend who had two bonded pugs that she needed to rehome. Two pugs, two small girls and another on the way left little room or time for this dynamic duo.

An instantaneous outpouring of fosters and homes were offered and I couldn't help but immediately offer to take these two in and love them every single day for the rest of their lives.

After two days of emails, calls and texts, I was blessed beyond belief when I was chosen to be Petey and LuLu's Mommie!

Within hours, Laura and I planned a road trip to Michigan to pick up my additions and bring them to Mimiland!

Laura, without hesitation navigated, encouraged and gave so selflessly of herself to being this pair of flat faces to their forever home.

Now, I'm not saying that profanity wasn't spewed at bad drivers or that shenanigans were not had but that's an R rated....potentially X rated story for another time.

It was love at first sight! Their names it them to a T so I tweaked middle names to welcome them into the warped world I live in. Petey is now Petey Pablo and LuLu is Talulah Eloise. Formal names because we're all fancy and shit!

Without any pause in the untrustables behalf, the dynamic duo was welcomed with open food bowls and tons of toys to share. It was kismet, fate.

Petey Pablo needed neutered and palette surgery will be required for one, if not both of them. I knew this going in and it was a burden I knew was mine.

I've always said that pug people are the best people in the entire world. I'm incredibly lucky to be a part of a group devoted to our flatties and each other.

Unbeknownst to me, these incredible people rallied together and called our trusted Vet and donated generously towards "The Parrow Pugs". These amazing souls, from all over the country love Petey and LuLu so much and gave so selflessly of themselves that even now, I'm stunned.

Today as I dropped off Petey to be neutered, I was greeted by the entire staff at some point in the visit. Everyone wanted to meet the pugs that so many people love and adore.

Angel and Megan had tears in their eyes, telling me that my friends were angels on earth and miracles workers. An understatement. I can never in a million years express the immense gratitude and overwhelming sense of love I'm filled with at this moment.

Dr. Radcliffe said that he had never seen such an outpouring of generosity and unity towards a rescue and for me, THIS GESTURE of unconditional love and teamwork has humbled me and taught me so much about the true human spirit and how much good our furry friends bring out in one another.

Petey was a trooper and recovered well, I literally couldn't wait to pick him up.

Pacey and I went in and were greeted by another tech to check us out and reunite us with our little guy. She smiled, shook her head and handed us our paperwork and said that we had quite a credit on our account.


I'm the luckiest girl on earth. This was far and wide a TEAM RESCUE and these babies have such a phenomenal and selfless family. In this experience, I learned something that I'll meet forget and I'll always strive to do for others---I was rescued in so many ways. I'll never be able to repay the kindness, love and generosity of so many selfless people! Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

July 5, 2012

Privacy!? Hell no! C'mon in!

Facebook only allows me so much room to properly express my day to day traumas and by the time I condense it to Facebook length, it's hardly that traumatic so I said fuck that, here's the whole story! Ready!?

I have three human miniatures (kids) ages 10,8 and *almost* 5. Two boys and a girl, yeah. Now that we've established that, we can now establish that yesterday we celebrated super awesome Independence Day with the family at my brothers. It's my FAVORITE holiday! It typically entails drinking but the responsibility of driving home killed that dream. Oy vey.

Swimming,hottubbing,eating, fireworks, karaoke and insane amounts of shenanigans were had until about three in the morning when this SOBER Mommie loaded the children and all their accessories and belongings into Lucie Lancer and drove home and into the garage. At this point, I can HEAR the Untrustables (pugs) going HAM because they hear us and the boys are running around willy nilly tormenting one another while I carry a very limp diva to the door and unlock the sumbitch. Teeth are grudgingly brushed and within ten minutes, silence has commenced but I'm too tired to care and I go the hell to bed too. Damn.

I told you that, to tell you this. This group of party animals slept in until about noon, for real! It sounds great and really, it was except that I had to get up way earlier to take pugs potty and feed and water the insatiable freaks and I attempt to go right back to bed. Not easy, it's light outside and I have a monstrous headache so after some aleve and water, I'm snuggled in my bed exhausted but not able to sleep.

I get on the iPhone, get Netflix goin and plow through several episodes of Weeds season 6 until I doze off, which gained me about forty five minutes of mediocre sleep before the troops have woken with an intense sensation of hunger and irritation. Eh, I'll take it.

Still with me? Long and drawn out I know but you really need to realize the level of irritation I was in and take not that my nonsense intake was not in a charitable mood.

Things One,Two and Three are fed and watching a movie because apparently Indiana has reached it's peak in HELL setting. I'm just saying if I break a sweat yawning outside, we are staying inside or going to a water park and I didn't have the ability or motivation to tackle half dressed people that have no damn business being anything but mummified to protect my gag reflex. Inside it is.

After twenty minutes of arguing over which movie, who sits where and who is breathing too loudly or sitting too closely or whatfuckingever, there is a calm. This is my cue to go shower and listen to music that is not only inappropriate and filled with profanity but also makes me happy. I firmly believe anytime you can combine Manaj, Jay Z and Kanye with dirty words and the phrase,"I'm a MUTHA FUCKIN MONSTA!" it's a win.

Any parent that says they don't use the restroom as an escape at least once is a bold faced liar. I don't care if you're super nanny, Mary effin Poppins, we need to get away from these mouth breathers sometimes! I'm in a towel, brushing my teeth listening to a naughty song and acquiring mental "swag" and the damn door flies open and Pacey immediately starts in on some comic book coming out in two weeks. I'm looking at him just waiting for him to realize that he just busted in on his Mom in the bathroom wrapped in a towel and nothing else and be traumatized and get the hell out! Does he? Oh hellllll nah. He pauses for a nano second, just long enough to hear Jay Z drop the f bomb. Great.

He grins, totally my kid,"Mom, is that Jay Z?"

Now I'm just proud, the kid has taste!

"Because he just said the f word. We can't say that."

He has a point but so do I and dammit I'm kinda over it! Get out, fuck.

Me:"Yes, it's Jay Z and yes he said the f word and Mommie is REALLLLLLY close to saying it too if I can't get dressed alone!"

I'm still utterly dumbfounded that his sense of modesty hasn't kicked in yet. This is the same kid, along with his younger brothers assistance, lodged a complaint with me because their friends said I was cute. Apparently, they wanted me to ugly it up a bit. Gawd. Jerks. These SAME kids have no compunction about entering the bathroom with the force of a DEA raid!

Pacey:"Will you make me popcorn?"

What the hell! As if I could facilitate a massive popcorn popping festival from the bathroom, really!? And you're ten, walk into the kitchen, open the cabinet and get the popcorn and proceeded to the microwave and pop the hell out of it! Damn!

I'm sure you're asking why I didn't lock the door and I admit, you make a great point. I'll tell you why. In the tenish years I've had children, I've had each one lock themselves inside (more than once) and proceed into a full meltdown. When I say "meltdown", I do not mean a little crying and a slight panic. I want you to envision one of those homely, morally compromised women on Maury that are seeking DNA testing and upon learning the nineteenth guy tested ain't "da baby daddy" and loses her shit. Wailing, speaking in tongues, convulsions....that kind of shit. Not to mention the inevitable breaking into the bathroom to rescue them and the clean up afterwards. No thanks.

With Pacey gone and the door cracked, Ashton and Sophie make their move! Do I know how to spell Justin Bieber? Will Green Day tour here soon and if so, will I take him (Ashton) and only him?

It's at this time that Sophie has decided to give me a play by play of her favorite parts of The Avengers with a mini reenactment. She's totally The Hulk punching Thor, pretending to punch Ashton in the side of the noggin and he appropriately throws himself on the floor in defeat and then enlisting her lamby to show me how The Hulk made Loki his bitch and threw him around like a ragdoll. Pretty creative and whatnot but I'm in a dayum towel! Get OUT!

They retreat to create new nonsense and the Untrustables enter and sit to stare at me and occasionally lick my leg.

I realize peeing without assistance may be just a novelty but c'mon, let's not make a social gathering of it!

July 2, 2012

The Hardest Goodbye- Aunt Emma Bea

When I say I'm writing this through tears, please know that I'm under exaggerating the sheer disastrous sob that's really occurring. The "I can't breathe, there might be snot all over my face and f*ck, now I've got the hiccups" kind of cry.

Two months ago, my heart was changed in such a miraculous and incredible way. I walked into an animal shelter and left with an eight year old, partially blind pug named Aunt Bea.

Her skin was a disaster, she was covered in fleas and her eyes crusted with God knows what. Her stench was tolerable and the look of absolute gratitude as I scooped her into my arms was the most heartwarming thing.

Weary and confused, she trusted me to put her in the car and take her home. She trusted me to love get unconditionally and take her to the vet, cook for her and treat her wounds around the clock.

Weeks passed and with each day she grew more confident and trusted me more. At meal times, she'd linger so Sophie would inevitably hand feed her, which she adored.

I've said time and time again that pug people are truly the most amazing people in the world, my pug group really rallied around Aunt Emma Bea and sent her love from all around te country! Love that encouraged her and brought out her tenacious spirit!

Within the last two weeks, Bea's true personality emerged in such an astounding way! She began to walk with confidence and wiggle her entire body when she was happy and bark and "talk" when she wanted to express herself.

She MASTERED the art of begging. Winking, barking, talking and telepathically willing me to give up my people yummies to her, you've seen that face---who could resist!? Not I!

From day 1, I knew this day was coming and I had managed to push that out of my mind and heart until the very last second. Today, Aunt Emma Bea went to live with her forever family on her very own Happy Tail.

She has two brothers, Buster and Charlie and a sweet human kid name Daniel who is spoiling her beyond imagination as we speak.

I wish I could say that I handled her departure with grace, composure an maturity but I'll be honest, I'm devastated. I'm lost. I feel numb, empty and distraught. But overall, I feel rescued. Aunt Emma Bea gave me a gift that I could never repay her. She gave me her trust, her love and her complete willingness to give second chances. She rescued me.

I already miss you immensely Emma Bea, I miss your snuggles and your funny barks but I cannot wait to see you again lovey girl!

I want to thank Suzanne and her family for giving Bea the fairytale she deserves. I love you guys!

June 8, 2012

A Distant Birthday Wish

Today is a very special and difficult day for my best friend and self appointed sister,Lori Hodgson. I've blogged about her before as Otto's Mommie and and again as a former Scientologist whose adult children have been forced to disconnect from her because she has a critical view of the Church of Scientology and have continuously and relentlessly harassed her in a failed attempt to keep her silent. If you're unfamiliar with her story, please look into my past posts, you'll be riveted and heartbroken.

Today is her son Jeremy's birthday, his 19th. This marks the second birthday that Lori has missed with her son, that she loves and adores more than life itself. It is for him that she continues to speak out, to share her guy wrenching story in an attempt to save others from this heartache and end the cruel and inhumane abuses that run rampant in Scientology.

On June 9, 1993, Jeremy James Leake was born at 6:30am weighing in at 9lbs and 6oz. As a mother myself, I know how life changing and absolutely overwhelmed with love you are the second you hold your child in your arms. After caring for and nourishing this little person inside of you for months, you finally lay eyes on the little soul you've dreamt of since the second you found out you were pregnant. It is a dream realized.

Lori and Jeremy shared a special,close bond, one that has been TEMPORARILY disconnected. I consider Lori family, my sister. Her mom is a second mother to me. From personal experience, I can tell you that Lori and Nonie are two of the best people in the world. Kind, generous, loving and filled with honesty and integrity. There's nothing they wouldn't do for anyone in need, nothing.

It's devastating to me to know that Lori and Nonie and their family must miss Jeremy on his special day, the second birthday that they've spent apart.

I can't fathom their anguish and heartbreak but in true Lori fashion, she's not giving up. Her tenacity and unbreakable spirit inspire me every single day. She has a message for her son, memories he has missed in their time apart.


Dear Jeremy,

These are memories of your 18th birth year that I wish so very much we could have shared together.

Last September CR and I bought Jeans house across from Papas and a new Ski Nautique boat that you would just love. We can change the wake for wake boarders or skiers.

Last summer Auntie Jenn and Uncle Chris moved back home to Santa Cruz to be close to us and Lil' Brooks was born in October. Your little cousin. I saw a picture of you holding him when you said goodbye to Papa and Leanie and Jennifer and Brooks. You looked so sweet holding lil' Brooks. I know he loves you and would love to see his cousin Jeremy more.

In December Val and Nonie renewed their wedding vows and we had a big family celebration to celebrate their day. You would have enjoyed the yummy dinner and fun family reminiscing's.

Christmas was very sad with out having my boy and my Jessie there. We all missed you both so very much. I cried all Xmas eve and most of Xmas day.

In February for my Birthday and CR's birthday and Valentines day we went to Hawaii. Oh how you would have loved it there. We went to Kauai and CR and I went Zip Lining. I even went backwards on one of the Zip Lines. I thought about you a lot when I was in Hawaii because we were gonna do that together. We both love the beach and Ocean and just hanging out together there by the ocean.

Also in February Pappa had his big 75th Birthday and it wasn't the same not having you and sissy there to honor Papa's big day. We all went to that fancy restaurant in Almaden that had delicious desserts. It was a very special night and Jennifer, Justin and I bought him a special clock with our names engraved on it. I know Papa missed you not being able to be with him on his 75th.

In March I did an Enduro race at Hollister and it was 70 miles long...phew tough, but I finished. You would have been proud of your mom.

In April I did the Crosscut Enduro here at the lake and I finished that one too! i I trained for that race for a whole year and finally got strong enough and experienced enough to finish. I even had a bad crash at the mile 15 mark and got back on my bike and rode another 40 miles. I was in so much pain that it took my fear away and I rode like the wind. I was so determined to finish because I knew you would be proud of me. Remember 3 years ago that was your 1st Enduro and you took a bad fall and hurt your eye, but you got back on your bike and finished. Mommy was jumping for joy when I found out you finished that hard race.

In April Nonie and Val sold their San Jose house and bought a house on the same street as me and Papa...ain't that something were all here. Nonie and I live at the lake most of the time and only go down to San Jose a few days a month to work. I'm able to phone coach my clients up here at the lake. What an awesome job I have as I can motivate my clients and at the same time look out at our beautiful Clear Lake.

Now if only you and sissy were here to share with us in all these special memories it would have been perfect.

How about for your 19th birth year we can share some great memories together? I miss you Jeremy and love you very much.

HAPPY 19th Birthday Son.

Loving you forever and always,
Your mom


It is my hope that somehow, some way Jeremy will see this, that he will see a crack in the belief system he is currently being restrained by and finds his way HOME! To a Mother and Grandmother that will never give up on him and will love him unconditionally until the end of time.

Please keep my Lori,Nonie and Jeremy in your thoughts and send them love and thoughts today. As an eternal optimist, I believe they'll spend his 20th birthday together, with your thoughts and prayers, maybe our wishes will come true!

May 30, 2012


Do you know what today is?!? The last day of school, the very last day my Ashton Michael will be a third grader and my Pacey Mekhi a fourth grader, this also means its TRACK AND FIELD DAY!!! Wahoo!!

With the xy chromosomes safely deposited in testosterone filled competition land, and my daughter gardening with her Grammie,I knew this was my golden opportunity to finish my hand crafted teacher gifts before pick up time.

I came home to a quiet house, made the pugs breakfast of scrambled eggs and kibble and went into full crafty, gift finishing mode. Despite my great intentions and hard work, I decided these gifts would be perfect ONLY with a few additions that I could easily acquire at Target. With my arms full of gifts and empty gift bags and tissue paper, I managed to lock the kitchen door and shut it behind me with my foot and I won't lie, I felt like a fucking rockstar.

I walked through the garage and it was at this point, I realized my keys weren't in my hand and they were probably in my black hole of a bag. Shit. Sigh.

I carefully place my unfinished gifts on top of my car and look through my bag. Nothing. I sit on the garage floor and dumb that bastard out, no keys. I did find starbursts though,WIN!!

It is at this point, the wheels in my head start turning. I know exactly what I did, I locked myself out of my house AND my car. F U C K.

Get the hide a key, you suggest and I admit, it's a fantastic suggestion EXCEPT that I used that sumbitch last week and in pure Mimi fashion, I didn't put it back outside. Sawheeeet! So now I'm going window to window, assessing whether or not I can squeeze my ass through the window if by some miracle one hasn't been locked....which by the way is highly unlikely since I'm OCD about locking things just in case a psychotic, midget clown decides to break in and slaughter me. In fucking with these windows, I have annoyed the pugs to the point of actually waking up and now Cullen is SCREAMING and his cohorts are barking and howling. Great!! By the way, there were no unlocked windows.

Refusing to admit defeat, I go back Ito the garage and drink my bottle of water and brainstorm. I ponder kicking in the back door but I'm in flip flops and I'm pretty sure I'd just destroy my pedicure and injure my pride and remain LOCKED THE FUCK OUT.

Thank GAWD my iPhone was charged because some semblance of common sense kicked in and I remembered I gave my mom an extra key for emergencies such as this. I call her while she and Sophie were gardening and she graciously agreed to save my absentminded ass. Booyah!

Now that I've got a glimmer of hope, I decide to try the car doors JUST IN CASE, I don't much enjoy sitting on the garage floor unless I'm so drunk that I don't give a shit....problem is, I was stone cold sober!

All four doors are locked BUT the trunk is open and you can lay down the back seats and get into the car that way, WIN!! Never deny my resourceful nature and prowess!

I've now got my ass firmly planted in my lovely car waiting for my Mother to arrive and save the day! While I waited ,I organized the gifts in the trunk, cleaned out my car, found gum,mints,Cheetos and a bra and two pairs of socks. As I finished, my mom pulled in and I could see Sophie's giddy and smiling face in the backseat! I open the door to greet her and my heart SINKS! She has cut her the form of haphazard and bedraggled bangs. My mom didn't even notice, oy vey!!!

After all that ruckus, we did haul ass to Target, perfect our teacher gifts and wrap them just as I had envisioned and still made it for pick up on time. Now, what the fuck am I going to do with Princess Fashionista's "bangs"? Shit.

May 10, 2012

About Last Night

I enjoy a good prank, any sort of shenanigans....I fully support. Typically, I'm the ring leader and mastermind of these endeavors and truly, that is the most hysterical position to be in. Last night,however, I was pranced and had NO IDEA.

As y'all are well aware, my mother is a very strict catholic, right wing conservative gal and I am....well, I'm the fallen catholic,Kumbaya kinda girl which continuously leads to many heated arguments. It's a lot of fun fellas, lemme tell ya.

In this clusterfuck, we share a mutual friend,Erick. Oh yeah asswipe, I'm calling you OUT!

Yesterday, Our President announced his support for gay marriage and equality. Love him or hate him, ALL PEOPLE should share equality. Period.

I posted his statement on Facebook and didn't think much about it. My mom isn't my Facebook friend but Erick is and I know that anytime Erick has a chance to stir up some shit, that's what he is going to do and it is almost ALWAYS hysterical.

Last night, I receive a barrage of texts from my mother about Obama. AN OVERHAUL, I didn't click in any of the links. I told my Mom she was cute and that I loved her and no argument ensued. I figured Erick told her I posted his statement and that riled her. Eh, normal Weds in Mimiland. It wasn't until this morning that he fessed up to her what he had done and I BOW DOWN, this shit was MASTERFUL!

Apparently, Erick photoshopped a statement from me on Facebook announcing my adoration to Our President which then caused her to have an aneurism and partial coronary and text me relentlessly.

Please take a look at this gem! Well done Erick,well done:) psssst PAYBACK IS COMING!!

May 3, 2012

Some people shop on Ambien

I'll admit it, I'm an Ambien shopper. Socks, pug accessories, DVDs ... You name it, I'll buy it. If its argyle, plaid or pink....i want that too. I may or may not have purchased an adult sized Justin Bieber shirt....don't judge.

In any event, I found myself scouring in search of flat faces that need a forever home. Now let me say, my home is at flat face capacity but I'm more than happy to enrich the lives of others by finding and rescuing a flat face that will forever change their lives. I maintain my douchebag status but I do have a small glimmer of decency hidden beneath my sarcastic and assholish attitude.

Two nights ago, fifteen minutes into my Ambien hysteria, I come across Aunt Bea, a stunning 8 year old, partially blind, black pug and my heart MELTED! Not only that, she was only fifteen minutes away, I immediately emailed the shelter and within a few hours, I had planned her unelaborate bust from shelter land!

With a harness,leash,treats and a tummy full of anxious butterflies I couldn't wait to meet this sweet face. By all staff accounts, she's a model citizen and the most lovable companion in the world.

It crushed my soul to see her all alone in a kennel but the second our eyes locked, her curly tail took over in complete wag mode and she almost leapt through the kennel and into Sophie's arms!

With about an hour to kill before I had to pick up my clueless xy chromosomes from school, we headed for a walk to allow Aunt Bea to roam and get an idea of her leash manners, which are phenomenal!

She's visually challenged but manages nicely! My crew of flat faced Untustables welcomed her and she immediately made herself at home.

I'm not trying to push Ambien on you BUT I am eternally grateful for my Ambien web surfing because sweet Aunt Bea is asleep in my lap and I will find her a forever home that consists of complete adoration and love!

April 29, 2012

Accomplishing A Dream In Mimiland

Turning 33 in Mimiland was a big deal. Well, not really. It wasn't a big deal but I wanted big things! I got a black pug puppy (that is coming home very very soon), the most magnificent sprinkle cake every baked and tickets to see my favorite comedian in Chicago. Now, if you haven't seen Bret Ernst, allow me to assure you, your life is fucking lacking major shit. He is HYSTERICAL, pee your pants hysterical, giving you abs of steel hysterical. Take my word for it, HYSTERICAL! Shoot, hold on, watch this:

Watch This RIGHT NOW

Still with me? Go pee? Ready to settle in and read about the most amazing night of my life? So, the four hour drive and ticket prices were totally cool with my dream going experience because, in my head, I had already determined that I would be in the front row, he would most definitely do the "Tony" bit and I would leave Chicago the most fulfilled a woman can be.

I purposely purchased tickets to the late show with the thought that he would surely be around afterwards for a possible meet and greet and *IF* I got my photo with him....this would be icing on my sprinkle covered cake. My boys love him too, I know, at 8 and 10, it may not be the most appropriate comic entertainment but dayum, they have me as a mother, humor is a gift that I must pass along. Both boys were quite envious that Mommie was seeing our dream comedian without them but I promised that *IF* given the opportunity, I would relay the messages of adoration to Bret personally.

Upon arriving in the FAH-REEZING and windy city, and killing a few hours, I arrived at Zanies to wait in line to see Bret Ernst *squeal*. Of course, my front row dreams were dashed because others were way earlier than I was. We quickly made friends with the couple behind us who had never heard of Bret, I gushed about his comedic genius and we youtubed videos until they were almost as excited as I was.

The doors opened at 10:15 and we were shown our seats, second row, still a little disappointed but ecstatic. That is when Andrea and her boyfriend (the couple behind us) turned and offered us their front row seats. Who died and went to heaven, THIS GIRL! I hugged them with all my might and thanked them at least a billion times!

He came out, and WOWED us all. FUCKING HYSTERICAL. We even got to hear a new joke that will HOPEFULLY make his new Comedy Central Special because it is beyond hilarious! I laughed so hard that I lost my voice and now have abs that would rival that of that sadastic wench, Jillian Michaels. Afterwards, I couldn't wait to buy a shirt that said, "F*CK TONY!"

And there he was, greeting every single person leaving the show and personally selling shirts and taking photos. I bought my shirt and he offered to take SEVERAL photos! *swoon*, I fulfilled my promise to my boys to pass along their messages and he gave me a shirt that says,"Bret Ernst" to give the boys. I tried to pay for it and he refused. This man adores his fans. If you have a chance to see him live, GO! I must say, I was just as impressed with his HUGS (plural bitches, plural) AND KISS ON THE CHEEK as I was with his comedy. He is humble and phenomenal.

Mimiland is a place of euphoria!!

April 23, 2012


It's almost astonishing to believe that a resident selfish,spoiled brat like myself actually has sentimental moments of reflection that leave me absolutely speechless in gratitude. Of course, I never get there in a genuinely warm hearted way, sigh.

Here's how the story goes: a month ago, I fell head over heels IN LOVE. Swept off my feet, straight seventh heaven , love at first sight nonsense. That's right fella's, Mimi got an iPhone 4s. *swoon*

In describing my love for this devise, I may have said that now that I own an iPhone, I feel like before (with all of my other phones) I was like one of those starving Ethiopian children on the infomercials that I can't watch without sobbing uncontrollably and now I'm feasting on the most gourmet, devine foods.

Apparently, that made me an asshole. I was not making light of the starvation of anyone, I'll admit that being hungry is an agonizing feeling and that's just how I feel in the morning *sigh*

I will always remember my high school history teacher,Mr. Tyner, collecting toys for the children's hospital at Christmas time. The same hospital that would save my oldest sons life when he was three months old. Mr. Tyner taught us that you give for the feeling you get inside, not the recognition you get from those observing. I've never forgotten those words. At the time, I worked after school at a petstore, usually wasting my cash on movies,bowling and cassette tapes but that week, I spent my entire check on barbies, hotwheels and art supplies. After school, I carted my purchases up to his classroom and deposited them amongst all the other gifts that he would take to these miniature humans stuck in a hospital on Christmas.

That moment, that feeling, I still have when I donate time or money. You can't help every cause or every event but if you do what you can, it's magical.

You can volunteer at a pet rescue, help transport fur babies to their new homes or sponsor a pet still searching for their family. It's hard to choose your charity but follow your heart and you will realize, it's more rewarding than any material item you may acquire.

April 22, 2012


In pure Mimi fashion, I harass my children and flat faces with less than Kodak quality photographic assault. It's what I do. These are a few of my favorites from the past week or so :)

April 20, 2012


I recently discovered that I'm not quite the perfect pug mom. Truly, I thought I was golden, after all....pugs don't repeat the foul language that flies out of Mom's mouth at a speed that would rival a cheetah on Red Bull. However, after pugsitting my flat faced pug nephews Salinger and Toby Stripey nose, I felt inadequate at best.

Allow me to tell you about my darling Laura. To know her is to live the ahit out of someone and know that only this other person will make you a fucking gift basket when you spend the night! Martha Stewart has *nothing* on her! She is impeccable in the kitchen, the perfect hostess and has the most giving heart in the entire world. Um, if she's reading this she knows I'm secretly calling her a DOOSHBAG out of sheer love and adoration for her. We can have full conversations at length using only profanity. Seriously,without an ounce of sarcasm, I do aspire to be more like her. Truth.

That being said, she's also a magnificent pug Mommie. She makes her boys scrambled eggs in the morning, yummy homemade food with their kibble at lunch and dinner and devine homemade treats. While feeding my curly tailed nephews, I realized that this level of momminess *might* be attainable for my crew of untrustables!

I've started making them scrambled eggs in the morning and for this, they adore me more. After ONE meager attempt at lopsided and hideous looking homemade treats, they appreciated my effort and gobbled them up.

With my momentum growing, I was determined to try again. I even bought cookie cutters. *sigh*

With flour in the kitchen, my lovely Bella climbed up Sophie's stool, knocked the flour over and proceeded to silently signal to her cohorts that shenanigans were now available to be had.

Mimi The Great was unaware until Trudy walked into the bedroom, hopped on my king sized hug from Jesus and looked up at me with innocence in her eyes and flour covering her mother f*cling face. Oy flippin vey dudes. Once she made her entrance, the other three felt pretty dayum confident in making their presences known. Flour faces and all.

This is kinda a sign to me that I deserve people to do this nonsense for me. Wouldn't you agree??

April 19, 2012

I'll confess

I'm not a gardener. In fact, I'm the antithesis of a gardener. My favorite pug rescue has a Flower Power fundraiser and me, in my typical deluded fashion thought to myself,"who says you can't plant a garden!"

I'll admit, this was after a RedBull or two so I was clearly over zealous in this thought process. Feeling all holy and charitable, I *almost* couldn't wait for these magical blossoms to arrive. Well, Fed Ex arrived and my ego was still fairly balls to the wall. I borrowed a shovel and changed into a tank top,jeans and Vera Wang sandals and the nonsensical belief that I had this shit under control. Seriously, if 80 year old women do this for fun, surely I can too. Right?


I went outside with shovel in hand and realized quickly I'd have to perform manual labor. While I excel at so much in day to day life, I will never accept that I'm capable of manual labor. Bribing myself with wine, I dug *A* hole. Good gawd, this is taxing and I'm parched....where's the wine?

I dug one more small hole, this dumb ass shovel flipped back and got dirt all over my mother effin Vera Wang sandal and I look down just in time to see a gdayum worm and a scary as hell centipede. Um, f*ck this noise. Do I appear to you like I require a garden to fulfill some whimsical dream? Why no, no I do not.

Suddenly my detailed dreams of a tiny "pug garden" are dashed in my vain attempt to stay dirt free. All the while, my flat faced crew of untrustables stand at the door and watch, toss each others salad and lick the damn window.

Long story short, these magical flowers are planted, I'm slightly dirty and super thirsty for a multitude of alcoholic beverages. Please don't expect some flowing garden of sweet scented loveliness, at best I'll spray you with febreeze just before you walk outside,deal?

March 31, 2012

NOH8 Pug Style

In Mimiland, most matters are not taken seriously. Most often, they are quite nonsensical to me. Two things that matter immensely to me are equality for *everyone* and my sweet flat faced, curly tailed pugs. Eight days ago, I was fortunate enough to combine these two passions of mine and attend a NOH8 photo shoot with an amazing group of "pug people" that I will now refer to as family!

A few of us gathered at The Living Room Lounge for lunch on the patio! Little Gus Gus was my date for the day and was such a well behaved little bit! I was immediately welcomed with a big hug from the most lovely Cindy, Jess and Vikki! These are my Indy gals! Cindy is the Mommie to Ellie and Brutus and Jess has the sweet Mia. Vikki has an entire crew of babies but Romeo melts my heart. After much anticipation, I FINALLY got to meet Sarah and my newest gay husband Jay!

Sarah and Jay are from Tennessee but made the drive to Indiana with Jay's precious little Charlie, she reminds me so much of my Bella at 6 months old! I knew I was going to adore Sarah right away and I did! She is so funny and her accent just makes me smile! Jay on the other was MARRIAGE AT FIRST SIGHT! He is my heterosexually challenged husband and I'm his homosexually challenged wife!

Of course, between Jay and I, it was pretty fortunate that we were seated alone on the patio, otherwise I am rather sure our language and topic matter would've created an uprising among the publicly proper type and we would've been asked to leave....not before our photos were taken and posted on the door under a DO NOT ENTER SIGN! BWahaha!

After lunch, we headed to Vikki's to pick up Charlie, Vikki's Bella and Romeo and go to the ultra fabulous Laura's house for a little mixer she put together! Laura made little cupcakes for the pugs and human cupcakes too along with cocktails to keep us hydrated! Toby and Salinger met Charlie and Gus Gus and played with Luna,Ellie,Brutus and Mia. Everyone had so much fun and we all dreaded leaving ! Laura is always the perfect hostess!

With everyone ready,dressed in white shirts (some of us wearing spanx *cough* JAY *cough*) we drove to the NOH8 photoshoot in complete excitement. Once we arrived, we filled out out paperwork and received our NOH8 tattoos on our cheeks and waited jn line for our group shot! Six of us and seven pugs!

Once moved up in line, duct tape was placed on our mouths. This was excruciating because me being quiet under any circumstance is damn near impossible....duct tape on the mouth and Hines Ward isn't involved and shirtless? Um, no. We did our group shot with our flat faces first, then our individual shots, Gus Gus in mine, where he didn't even bother to wake up! It'll be a few weeks before we receive our photos but I know they'll be stellar!

It truly felt amazing to see so many people of all races,ages and orientation come together to support silica an amazing cause. I was overwhelmed with pride for knowing such an outstanding group of people that I love with all of my heart!