After some generous prodding by some of my favorite people, I decided to start a blog. I won't lie. I did get a slight surge of self indulgent infatuation that lasted roughly .5 seconds as I realized I'm far too inept to set up this sumbitch. I can give birth to three oversized but brilliant children ( two naturally) , I can successfully care for a nation of ill behaved pugs and I can even use a public restroom while resisting the violent urge to douse myself and the restroom in Bath and Body Works Twilight Woods antibacterial hand gel. However, setting up a blog is not within my realm of capabilities! I still don't have an idea whatsoever of whqt the hell to blog about.
Being kid free this weekend has provided me with the most amazing Ambien induced sleep. My love and pure adoration of this tiny medicinal hug from Jesus could never properly be expressed with meer words. Ah! Sleep! Sleep and bad decisions. Lovely. Oddly enough, last night,I just went to sleep. It was an odd sensation to sleep until I decided to wake up, it was heaven.
Doing absolutely nothing is as exhausting as you can imagine so by the time dinner rolled around, I was more than ready to make Subway my bitch. Nom,Nom,Nom. As my bff would say, I was going to put some groceries in my belly. Bwahaha! I love her,I love listening to her talk. I never quite know if she's bullshitting me or not. She once convinced me that when I flew to Georgia to spend the weekend with her,we were going to go "snipe hunting". I am sure you know enough about me to know that I have no desire whatsoever to hunt for anything. Unless it involves shopping or the spa,count me as an uninterested spectator. Anyway, this fool had me convinced this is a real effin event and I fell hook,line and sinker.
We are standing in line waiting to build the five dollar footlong of our individual dreams and the toolbox behind me is trying to telepathically transmit a "shout out" to her dog through the subway counter,brick wall,parking lot and alas her geo prism. I'm able to focus my ADD just long enough to order my feast , that is when I turn to catch a glimpse of the Indiana chapter of Dog Whisperer Anonymous.
What a sight to behold. Patchwork sweatshirt with half a teddy bear on the front. Either her precious pooch gnawed it off in attempt to escape her ramblings or the teddy bear offed himself to end the suffering. Both options sound viable to me. I didn't fault her for the pajama jeans, they make me smile. I didn't even get to the shoes, the fanny pack had my attention. Oh Tom Cruise, Oprah! I love a good fanny pack. I kept my squeal under wraps, I almost wanted to adopt this lady......until she started to talk again.
Apparently, paying for my meal allowed her a prime view to her dog through the drive thru window. "Oh look! There's my doggie! There's my baby! I bet she knowed (yes KNOWED) I came in here. I bet she done gonna want some of my sammich. You see her? I bet she be seeing me!"
Shoot. Me. Now. Ya know what? That was a violent assualt on my ears,noise pollution isn't a joke, millions of people suffer every year! Lol! As we left, I sent an eye signal to the dog just in case she wanted to escape. We shall see!