November 1, 2011

Thank GAWD today is OVAH!

Grilled Cheesus, today was one helluva day!! As I am sure you are aware, I am not a morning person, at all. I loathe mornings, there will never be an occasion in which I am giddy at the prospect of getting up before the sun and God. Nope. Not one. Ever. Needless to say, my children have inherited my severe distaste for waking before we are damn good and ready. Clearly, the early hours are not the time to even attempt my patience or my mothering skills. My children are overachievers. They see Mommie is exhausted, not quite awake and a news story waiting to happen. Seeing this challenge, they feel obligated to push me to my limits, to see if I can truly resist the urge to pull my seriously cute Lancer over and pummel each of them individually. Today was no exception. These angelic, smart, sweet tiny humans make their mission to not only poke, prod and invade each others space but to do so at a volume that would make God, Santa, The Easter Bunny and Oprah shit their pants at first sound. Imagine that shenanigans at 7am, in an enclosed car with my already sunny disposition. Oh HAIL nah! When I tell ya'll I went bananas, I mean, I WENT BANANAS! I took away bey blades and Annie dvd's. I renounced all holidays, religious and ceremonial. I might have even shortened their ages some. Hell, I don't know. I kinda felt like that kid on A Christmas Story when he says the big F instead of FUDGE. It all happened so fast. I want ya'll to appreciate the sheer magnitude of restraint that it took not to become a statistic. Did they stop?? Oh double eff nah. They did not. The xy chromosomes were silent, mostly out of fear of losing Yu-gi-oh cards and beyblades. Sophie? Not so much. This four year old beauty and tiny tyrant was not detoured by my threats whatsoever. In fact, I think it encouraged her. She SCREAMED the entire way home. THE ENTIRE WAY HOME! I don't think you get it, the entire mother effin way home! I prayed for some plague of deafness to strike me instantly. It did not. As we pulled into our garage, she fell asleep. Do you know what happens then?? That is when *I* get to wake the screamer up. LOVELY! Luckily, the promise of breakfast and Wizard Of Oz was enough to get her QUIETLY in the door and happily going on about her four year old business! All that being said, I want you to truly realize give me mad credit for not being an alcoholic or the subject of Nancy Grace's BREAKING NEWS!

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