January 19, 2012

Mimiland Clusterfluck

Yes, I realize that well over ninety percent of Mimiland activity does consist of this clusterfluck state of mind, however, this is out of my control and I do not currently require a reminder of this nonsense. To truly start at the "beginning", I have to tell ya'll that I didn't drag my behind to bed until well after 2am. Yes, I am aware of how important sleep is but I beg you to understand how important Mimi quiet time is. Mimi quiet time consists of me doing whatever the hell I feel like doing without having to answer a million questions, get up to check on a sibling situation between the kidlets or break up a pug orgy. Mimi time is crucial to the well being and functionality of Mimiland. So when it does finally get quiet around here, I take full advantage and have to eventually FORCE myself to go to bed because I'm enjoying the hell out of quiet Mimi time.

I don't need to tell you that when you only have three hours of sleep under your belt, you might not be in the best state of mind or in use of all of your faculties. Just sayin. The trio are in the car, fighting quietly amongst themselves and dammit, that's good enough for me. It hasn't risen to full blown ruckus yet and I figure it is good for them to figure this nonsense out on their own. Unfortunately for me, this self resolution does not become a priority for any of them and the full blown ruckus I was hoping to avoid is brought to fruition when my ten year old mini wise ass in training decides to put his hand on his sisters face. Like, his palm is ON HER FACE. For what reason, I do not know. I can't begin to rationalize much of what a penis haver does and this certainly doesn't make any sense to me. What I do know, is that Sophie has NO appreciation for having her face touched in such a manner and proceeds to go batshit crazy. BATSHIT CRAZY! "He's touching me! NO!!! STOP!!! HIS...HAND...IS...ON...MY...FACE!" 

Yeah, imagine that in an earth shattering screech. I'm driving in the damn dark because the sun isn't even up yet and these fools are in the back seat touching each other and screeching willy nilly. Have I mentioned I hate mornings and I only slept three hours? OY! At this point, I'm wondering how easy it would be to access Nancy Grace's home number, followed by Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton and possibly Gloria Alred. I figure, if I'm going down in a blaze of glory, I may as well have these fella's on the line to hear exactly what went down at the scene of the crime. I did consider Skypeing them, so they could be eye witnesses to the sheer madness because I'm fairly sure they could make my case for me. 

I pull Lucie Lancer over and without even ONE dirty word, I issue the warning of all electronics being banished from Mimiland, all holidays whether they be religious, ceremonial or traditional will be of no existence from this point forward. I may or may not have also mentioned that as the Mom, I do have many incriminating photos that could possibly make their way to facebook and cause impending humiliation for years to come. And ya know what??? SILENCE! Oh sweet Jesus, SILENCE!I was almost so giddy I could cry, ALMOST. It was at the time I allowed my complete joy sink in that the quiet one, Ashton Michael is now hysterical because last night when he told me his homework was finished and I checked the homework he had actually completed, he withheld a spelling assignment he figured he could probably do on the way to school but he hadn't factored on leaving the newspaper he needed at home. 

Apparently, he had to write all his spelling words, then find these words in a newspaper, cut them out and glue them to a piece of paper. In thinking this lame tomfoolery through, it then occurred to him that he also didn't bring scissors or glue, both of which aren't allowed in my Lucie anyway. Straight A Ashton loses it. "Can we stop at Target? Do they have newspapers? Glue? Scissors? I can't miss an assignment, I'll miss recess, ETC!" It went on and on and on. I mean, DUDE, I asked you this last night. I asked if your spelling work for the week was done and you said it was and happily got on your DSi to play Sonic or some equally dude-ish game. NEWSFLASH, Target is not open before God and the sun. Sorry. 

Now, what I should have done was told him too damn bad and took him to school without his homework and let him suffer. But nah, I ran into Meijer and we got the necessary items to complete this moronic task but he will be doing it himself on the way to school and if he gets glue in my car, he will be scrubbing that thing TOP to BOTTOM. This was a great plan in theory. He writes out his spelling words effortlessly and then starts looking up words in the paper to cut out. Therein lies the challenge. Do you know how random it would have to be to have some of these words in the newspaper? Worm? Verb? I mean, first of all, he's in third grade, he's been spelling worm and verb for a few years now. Secondly, unless I find a story about verb using worm, I'm shit out of luck. The tears start again. Oy! I feel for the kid, I know you want to have this done but it is not possible time wise. We haven't found ONE word in all of USA Today so far and school starts in five minutes. 

I'm starting to get upset for him then he shrugs it off, "I guess I could use my homework pass."

Me: "Homework pass?" 

Ashton: "Yeah, if I turn in my pass, I won't have to do it at all. I bought it with Kady Kash and so I guess I could use it. "

I'm fluckin' irritated as all hell now. This mo fo had me running in stores looking like some nightmare and purchasing nonsense crap I have at home to do a homework assignment that you really could've gotten a pass on from minute one? REALLY? He skips into school leaving me with the diva who is now insisting she has to pee RIGHT NOW. Flucking hell man! We go to the gas station and THANK GAWD I have Clorox wipes in my car so I can attempt to disinfect this ecoli and mad cow disease ridden public restroom somewhat before allowing my daughter to make a sissy. I hate public restrooms, you don't know who or what used them last *shudder* She goes, we wash hands and high tail it out of there.

I'm thinking after that morning, I ought to be smooth sailing now. WRONG. I get stuck behind a fool that at sight of ONE SNOWFLAKE slows down to half the speed limit. I shit you not. HALF. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a good driver but even I can handle A SNOWFLAKE without losing control of the ability to use my right foot to accelerate. Finally, after passing this inept douchebag, I get home to let my coalition of ill behaved flat faces out to potty at the exact time that the snow really starts coming down. 

Some dogs love the snow. Cullen, Joey and Tru don't seem to mind as long as it isn't below freezing. Bella, however, is not so happy about this fact. She walks onto the deck, stops cold and starts shaking in a pathetic state. Eventually, they all go and we go back inside and I'm wiping paws down. I fed the feline that lives here and left the cat food container sitting on the kitchen table while I clean up the snowy paw prints on the kitchen floor and at some point, Joey barks, Sookie hisses and jumps up on the table, knocking the cat food everywhere. EVERY FLUCKING WHERE. The pugs have just lost their ever lovin' minds, shoving their faces to the floor to devour every piece of cat foot they can find and in the process have knocked over their water and made a huge flucking mess. Not to be outdone, Sophie comes running through the house, straight into the kitchen and busts her ass in this water / cat foot tsunami. 

All I'm sayin is, if you catch me drinkin before noon, don't judge.


  1. oh mimi!!!!! My moms sends you a million and one virtual hugs for your day you had!!!!!!!!

  2. Mimi, you get a drinking before noon pass!!!

  3. I would've been drinking as soon as I got home. You have much more fortitude than I.

    Eeesh, what a day!