May 30, 2012


Do you know what today is?!? The last day of school, the very last day my Ashton Michael will be a third grader and my Pacey Mekhi a fourth grader, this also means its TRACK AND FIELD DAY!!! Wahoo!!

With the xy chromosomes safely deposited in testosterone filled competition land, and my daughter gardening with her Grammie,I knew this was my golden opportunity to finish my hand crafted teacher gifts before pick up time.

I came home to a quiet house, made the pugs breakfast of scrambled eggs and kibble and went into full crafty, gift finishing mode. Despite my great intentions and hard work, I decided these gifts would be perfect ONLY with a few additions that I could easily acquire at Target. With my arms full of gifts and empty gift bags and tissue paper, I managed to lock the kitchen door and shut it behind me with my foot and I won't lie, I felt like a fucking rockstar.

I walked through the garage and it was at this point, I realized my keys weren't in my hand and they were probably in my black hole of a bag. Shit. Sigh.

I carefully place my unfinished gifts on top of my car and look through my bag. Nothing. I sit on the garage floor and dumb that bastard out, no keys. I did find starbursts though,WIN!!

It is at this point, the wheels in my head start turning. I know exactly what I did, I locked myself out of my house AND my car. F U C K.

Get the hide a key, you suggest and I admit, it's a fantastic suggestion EXCEPT that I used that sumbitch last week and in pure Mimi fashion, I didn't put it back outside. Sawheeeet! So now I'm going window to window, assessing whether or not I can squeeze my ass through the window if by some miracle one hasn't been locked....which by the way is highly unlikely since I'm OCD about locking things just in case a psychotic, midget clown decides to break in and slaughter me. In fucking with these windows, I have annoyed the pugs to the point of actually waking up and now Cullen is SCREAMING and his cohorts are barking and howling. Great!! By the way, there were no unlocked windows.

Refusing to admit defeat, I go back Ito the garage and drink my bottle of water and brainstorm. I ponder kicking in the back door but I'm in flip flops and I'm pretty sure I'd just destroy my pedicure and injure my pride and remain LOCKED THE FUCK OUT.

Thank GAWD my iPhone was charged because some semblance of common sense kicked in and I remembered I gave my mom an extra key for emergencies such as this. I call her while she and Sophie were gardening and she graciously agreed to save my absentminded ass. Booyah!

Now that I've got a glimmer of hope, I decide to try the car doors JUST IN CASE, I don't much enjoy sitting on the garage floor unless I'm so drunk that I don't give a shit....problem is, I was stone cold sober!

All four doors are locked BUT the trunk is open and you can lay down the back seats and get into the car that way, WIN!! Never deny my resourceful nature and prowess!

I've now got my ass firmly planted in my lovely car waiting for my Mother to arrive and save the day! While I waited ,I organized the gifts in the trunk, cleaned out my car, found gum,mints,Cheetos and a bra and two pairs of socks. As I finished, my mom pulled in and I could see Sophie's giddy and smiling face in the backseat! I open the door to greet her and my heart SINKS! She has cut her the form of haphazard and bedraggled bangs. My mom didn't even notice, oy vey!!!

After all that ruckus, we did haul ass to Target, perfect our teacher gifts and wrap them just as I had envisioned and still made it for pick up on time. Now, what the fuck am I going to do with Princess Fashionista's "bangs"? Shit.

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