December 3, 2011

Winter Nonsense & Bedazzling

I was not designed for colder weather, I realize some people love it, however, I am not one of them. If given the option, I would happily hiberbate during winter to awaken in the spring in ONE layer of fashionable clothing and incredibly cute shoes after an insanely relaxing pedicure.


As it is, I'm in jeans and a sweater which is frumpy Indiana football mom chic. I will wear my FUGLY (fuggin ugly) uggs because despite your opinion on these less than elegant forms of footwear, they are warm and comfy. I did see black sequined UGGS that I need. These discoball-esque mofo's will be mine!!!! It will be my personal tribute to those cute little old ladies with the gold loafers and bedazzled windbreaker track suits with matching fannie packs.


Something about a good bedazzled item of clothing makes my heart smile. I don't own any bedazzled items but I can spot them a mile away. I once knew this lady that asked if it would be a good creative endeavor to bedazzle umbrellas to sell and make extra money. She didn't take into consideration that to bedazzling an umbrella would require holes being poked into the fabric,thus allowing water to seep in the holes and rendering the concept of this device useless. Who am I to hate? I say bedazzle this sumbish and see how it goes.


That being said, I do have severe bedazzling urges under the influence of Ambien and Captain Morgan. I fully envision bedazzling the shit out of fannie packs for all my friends for Christmas.......ah, what a sight!!!


As I put on my Adidas to battle the slushy tomfoolery outside to buy groceries for my ragtag crew of starving misfits, I already dread it. I can't have a captain first, laws prohibit me from driving any worse than I do now and I will be accompanied by my three kidlets who suffer from this ultra rare condition of endless talking,begging and interrogation style questioning that inevitability ends with spinning down aisles and knocking something over. Do you understand my need for an alcoholic beverage?? I'm begging my warm weather friends to adopt me for the winter!!! Please! I'm potty trained and almost self sufficient.


Love, your unhappily winterized prospective roommate!!


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3 comments:

  1. Shoot, I have told you to move to SC or GA for years now!

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