February 22, 2012


I'm sure it will shock you all to know I have insane insomnia. It isn't that I don't want to sleep, on the contrary, I LOVE sleep. I love sleep with an unrivaled passion. If I were to imagine a perfect day, unlimited sleep would be included without question. The problem arises when the trio of lunatics are in bed, the pugs are snorting and snoring quietly and Mimi The Great is finally able to do (or not do) as she pleases that a second wind courses through her veins and wakes her the eff up.

Even the most resourceful procrastinator must sleep at some point, even me. At this point, Ambien is a hug from Jesus. One itty bitty pill and Mimiland will morph into dreamland and rest is achieved in a phenomenal way. I've mentioned my issue with procrastination,right? You're *supposed* to take this perfect pill and snuggle into bed, close your eyes and sleep. Well, guess what? Mimi is incapable of this. Now look, I know I've got about twenty to thirty minutes to play with before shenanigans will occur and in my ADD and OCD way, I'm going to cram as much in as possible which almost always leads to bad decisions.

I was fully aware that I might sleep eat, I was warned. I was also aware that I am not to drive or operate machinery under the influence. Um, duh. What they do not tell you is that you will text people, dayum near everyone and very rarely do you text them appropriate things. Oh hell Nah. Waking yo the morning after ambien and going through your texts is the equivalent to the morning after walk of shame....not that I would know. You may also be compelled to make phone calls,propositions and send emails, none of which are good ideas. I don't know about ya'll but the jerks I hang out with will save these texts,voicemails and emails for later use. Trust me on this......NO ELECTRONICS.

I was never warned to shy away from beauty decisions after taking this lovely medication. Here is a brief rundown:

*I'm not Whoopi Goldberg, waking up sans an entire eye brow is not an advisable look.

*Ambien will not instantaneously dry nail polish. Waking up to nail polish on your hands,feet,face, hair and bedding is not nearly as thrilling as you might imagine.

*Ambien showering....eh, I've had some success but waking up to conditioner still in your hair is never good.

*Let's get back to texting, just don't. You really are playing Russian roulette here. Texting gossip to someone only to find you've sent it to the person in question is awkward. Put the phone down.

*Shopping. Yea, something about Ambien makes you need random shit on eBay. ShamWow's for instance.

*Facebooking. Now this should be on Dateline. It isn't that I have an abundance of self restraint as it is, clearly. Facebooking on Ambien will without fail lead to a takeover of your wall because trying to watch ones language or being respectful of other peoples feelings doesn't even rank on the scale of nonsense I notice.

*Dress up. You WILL dress up, you will put on make up and you will take pictures. How you discover this....well, that's on you.

As I take ambien now, let me assure you, none of these mishaps will occur this evening :) Well, I have just one last text to send!


  1. Kellie Graham CrackerFebruary 23, 2012 at 1:47 AM

    Ambien is the devil, Bobby Bouchez

  2. Oh my fucking god! I have done the same thing! Don't mix ambien and plucking! --Emily, Atticus' mo