February 28, 2012

Parenting and Profanity

I'll be the first to admit, I've got one helluva mouth on me...shocking, I know. I do not, however, condone the verbal usage of this profanity by my three miniature beings that I call my children.

I won't tell you about the time I had to confiscate the penis haver's DSi's because they were calling each other ball faces, ball sacks and asses. I won't tell you about the time Pacey referred to a family member as a "mean bastard" without knowing it was a dirty word and I will not tell you about a more recent statement my angelic daughter blurted out during an insanity filled traffic moment in which she declared,"What is that douchebag doin' Mom?"

Oy vey. I must now consider douchebag as a dirty word in Mimiland and let me tell you, that fluckin sucks. I can't properly express my thoughts without a good ol F bomb or something similar in nature. I *can* control myself when need be but in all honesty, I prefer not to. It's part of my undeniable charm...well, that and my boobs but those are visual assets and of no use over the internet.

I'll admit freely that I spent hours (plural) programming my favorite dirty words into my phone so that when I type a specific dirty word, it doesn't get autocorrected to some tame word that clearly doesn't apply.

Now I ask you, imagine you open the freezer and a whole frozen chicken falls on your freshly manicured toes, will a harshly stated GOLLY GOSH DARN make you feel better? HAIL NAH it won't. Wanna know what will?? Gdayum mother f*cking sonofabitch smashed asshole! That will relieve pain and frustration, try it, you'll see.

It's my personal belief that anyone who never cusses will eventually explode and create a pipe bomb or go flucking bananas in a Target. Just cuss. Gawd.

Needless to say, there might have been a slip up or two in my career as a mothering, breeding mofo. Shit happens, I suggest we move on and focus in their lovely personalities, academic achievements and health, shall we?

So last night, Ashton is informing me that he heard some kid say a dirty word earlier that day. I asked which one & he said it started with a d.


Ashton: *shaking head*


Ashton:*shaking head*

I have no clue. We agree that he can spell it.

Ashton: "D-O-O-S-H!"

What was my reaction?

"Asht, that's not how you spell it," through uncontrollable laughter.

So, who wants me to babysit?