Let me just take this moment to say that the past few weeks have been a chaotic blur that can be best described as an ass massive CLUSTERFUCK!
We went from being balls deep in summer, late bedtimes, water parks, drive in movies and the addition of Petey Pablo and Lulu to our crew to attempting to get on a school schedule and two football practices a day.
Last week, my trio started school in grades 5, 4 and Kindergarten. In all the back to school shopping, preparing and starting, we have yet to adjust or manage our time in a sufficient manner. Suffice it to say, I'm fucking exhausted---picture a zombie fromThe Walking Dead but slightly more alive and the stress level of some CEO with a sex scandal on his hands.
With a few hours free, I decide a nap is essential and snuggle in for a peaceful dose of much needed recuperation. I flung my jeans off and hopped in bed, switched my iPhone to silent and dozed the hell off.
Now just before I reach the portion of heavenly rest where Hines Ward and I unite for kissy time, a symphony of LOUD AS SHIT barking and snorting commences in the family room, followed by a bang which I imagined was Trudy running into the wall....again. Oy vey.
With my eyes still shut, I sincerely hope the barking will cease and I can drift back off into dreamland. Does it cease? Oh HAIL NAH, no it does not. What it does do is become louder and more incessant. I have no choice but to haul my ass outta bed and see what these felons have done now. Truly, I didn't expect anything atrocious....JOKES ON ME!
I walk through the hallway of disheveled blankets that they've pulled out of the laundry, down the hallway and into the family room that should be dim considering that I hadn't opened the blinds but hell nah, it's bright. Like, the clouds parted and Jesse Jackson looked down upon me and cursed me with brilliant light and that's when I realize what these assholish jagaloons have done.
Before I share with you the utter decimation that these jerks have caused, let me first tell you that Trudy Loo AKA Tru has long held the title of #1 deviant. Trudy was named after my favorite Reno 911 deputy Trudy Weigel and has lived up to this name if not superseding the bullshit and ignorant quota associated with this name. She licks windows, always has something in her mouth-whether it be a squinkie, hot wheel, q tip, VS panties, socks, wrappers to anything, toilet paper, socks, cat and dog shit ( she doesn't discriminate) and tampons. Yes, used fucking tampons. That particular discovery happened at a family gathering right through the house with my daughter screaming hysterically because she was sure Tru caught a naked mole rat. *thud* suffice it to say, Tru has always been the main mischief maker in Mimiland. However, her title is hanging in the balance after what I just witnessed with Petey Pablo and Cullen Carlisle. Nutless bastards.
Picture this, blankets strewn about through the hallway and living room and a blinding light in the family room, barking, snorting and Cullen SCREAMING bloody murder is getting louder and louder and that's when I get a full view of my blinds. Holy fucking shit. It wasn't just my blinds but the two fat, flat faced fucks stuck IN my ripped to fucking shreds blinds and the four "innocent"(and i use that term loosely) going batshit crazy around them.
At this point, Cullen bolts out of the blinds and Petey's harness gets caught in the blinds and he's just stuck. I managed to get one photo that won't upload for shit but I will not rest until it does.
During this ruckus and the slew of profanity that exited my mouth with perfect fluidity --Trudy pisses all over the hardwood floors. That little tinkle sent them to "DA BIG LOCKDOWN" as opposed to being baby gated while I assess and reconstruct damage. Rarely are they ever subjected to such torture. If you look really closely at the one photo that will upload that there are also nose and ass prints all over the window as they were going HAM, barking at our mail carrier. Classy.
Anyone want to pug sit!?