December 15, 2011

I *almost* died!

Dear Jillian Michaels-----EFF you!

Lawd. Let me first say that I do not want Jillian Michaels body, I want most of it but I would elect to keep my boobs. In any event, to attempt to offset my plans to drink and gorge myself with yummy delights, I would step up my work out game. By "step up", I mean work out at all. Oy!

On hand, I have two dvd's of the excersize variety in possession. I'm not ashamed to admit that on more than one occasion I have watched the entire dvd with my ass planted firmly on the couch, devouring every morsel of a nachoes bell grander minus tomatoes and nacho cheese and beans.....aww screw it....its the chips with double beef, sour cream,lettuce and enough shredded cheese to feed a village in Uganda. And its scrumptious!

As it happened, Jillian was the first one in arms reach. Thirty day shred, I've got this. See,as you are well aware, my delusions have allowed me an unhealthy and grandiose self esteem. I know this because ill get dressed up for an epic girls night out and see photos afterward that is visual proof that I looked like a lumberjack. Ugh.

The dvd starts, let's stretch. Stretching commences and I'll admit, it feels good. I've drawn a crowd of flat faces watching with sheer concern on their faces. They know Mommie prefers to lounge in her chair and watch True Blood or Dexter as opposed to a scrawny chick with cohorts running around willy nilly. They are correct, Facebook misses me, I have unanswered texts and cinnamon bread in the kitchen.

This bitch went bananas in some circuit training frenzy. Jumping jacks,some horrific squat jump nonsense and push ups and do it again and spin around three times, bend over and kiss your ass good bye.

Now I'm just pissed, false effin advertising!!! I was promised a SHRED, a fluckin SHRED. This does not a shred make. It was a.Holy war, a massacre, an assassination of my soul and spirit.

At the end, for roughly thirty seconds, there's a cool down. Cool down my ASS. My entire body was numb and on fire, seriously, even my vagina hurt. The room started to fade, I saw WHITE. My life flashed before my eyes.....this has to be abusive.

Fast forward to today, I'm lounging on the couch and SWEETMOTHEROFGOD a pain shot through my left leg with a fury that could've only been rivaled by Oprah and Tom Cruise. It was the most asstastic cramp.....morphine anyone??

I'm truly afraid of what that sadistic wench has done to my mental well being.

Proof of lumberjack photogenic status is posted above, I thought I was giving Heidi Klum a run for her money, Oy! Nancy Grace maybe.

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  1. you by far........certainly don't resemble any lumberjack!!!!!!
    and your nachos sound super scrumptious!!!!
    I hope after you saw that white flash your flat flaces kissed you all awake with the love they only know how to give.
    "asstastc" LOL!!!!

  2. you're simply a retard I told you that Jillian Michaels is a scary bitch you needed to stay away from here--let that be a lesson to you that I'm always right-since were on the subject--you are far from a lumberjack but none the less I was entertained and amused :)

  3. Mimi you so much just crack me up!!!