Mimiland Clusterfluck

Yes, I realize that well over ninety percent of Mimiland activity does consist of this clusterfluck state of mind, however, this is out of my control and I do not currently require a reminder of this nonsense. To truly start at the "beginning", I have to tell ya'll that I didn't drag my behind to bed until well after 2am. Yes, I am aware of how important sleep is but I beg you to understand how important Mimi quiet time is. Mimi quiet time consists of me doing whatever the hell I feel like doing without having to answer a million questions, get up to check on a sibling situation between the kidlets or break up a pug orgy. Mimi time is crucial to the well being and functionality of Mimiland. So when it does finally get quiet around here, I take full advantage and have to eventually FORCE myself to go to bed because I'm enjoying the hell out of quiet Mimi time.

I don't need to tell you that when you only have three hours of sleep under your belt, you might not be in the best state of mind or in use of all of your faculties. Just sayin. The trio are in the car, fighting quietly amongst themselves and dammit, that's good enough for me. It hasn't risen to full blown ruckus yet and I figure it is good for them to figure this nonsense out on their own. Unfortunately for me, this self resolution does not become a priority for any of them and the full blown ruckus I was hoping to avoid is brought to fruition when my ten year old mini wise ass in training decides to put his hand on his sisters face. Like, his palm is ON HER FACE. For what reason, I do not know. I can't begin to rationalize much of what a penis haver does and this certainly doesn't make any sense to me. What I do know, is that Sophie has NO appreciation for having her face touched in such a manner and proceeds to go batshit crazy. BATSHIT CRAZY! "He's touching me! NO!!! STOP!!! HIS...HAND...IS...ON...MY...FACE!" 

Yeah, imagine that in an earth shattering screech. I'm driving in the damn dark because the sun isn't even up yet and these fools are in the back seat touching each other and screeching willy nilly. Have I mentioned I hate mornings and I only slept three hours? OY! At this point, I'm wondering how easy it would be to access Nancy Grace's home number, followed by Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton and possibly Gloria Alred. I figure, if I'm going down in a blaze of glory, I may as well have these fella's on the line to hear exactly what went down at the scene of the crime. I did consider Skypeing them, so they could be eye witnesses to the sheer madness because I'm fairly sure they could make my case for me. 

I pull Lucie Lancer over and without even ONE dirty word, I issue the warning of all electronics being banished from Mimiland, all holidays whether they be religious, ceremonial or traditional will be of no existence from this point forward. I may or may not have also mentioned that as the Mom, I do have many incriminating photos that could possibly make their way to facebook and cause impending humiliation for years to come. And ya know what??? SILENCE! Oh sweet Jesus, SILENCE!I was almost so giddy I could cry, ALMOST. It was at the time I allowed my complete joy sink in that the quiet one, Ashton Michael is now hysterical because last night when he told me his homework was finished and I checked the homework he had actually completed, he withheld a spelling assignment he figured he could probably do on the way to school but he hadn't factored on leaving the newspaper he needed at home. 

Apparently, he had to write all his spelling words, then find these words in a newspaper, cut them out and glue them to a piece of paper. In thinking this lame tomfoolery through, it then occurred to him that he also didn't bring scissors or glue, both of which aren't allowed in my Lucie anyway. Straight A Ashton loses it. "Can we stop at Target? Do they have newspapers? Glue? Scissors? I can't miss an assignment, I'll miss recess, ETC!" It went on and on and on. I mean, DUDE, I asked you this last night. I asked if your spelling work for the week was done and you said it was and happily got on your DSi to play Sonic or some equally dude-ish game. NEWSFLASH, Target is not open before God and the sun. Sorry. 

Now, what I should have done was told him too damn bad and took him to school without his homework and let him suffer. But nah, I ran into Meijer and we got the necessary items to complete this moronic task but he will be doing it himself on the way to school and if he gets glue in my car, he will be scrubbing that thing TOP to BOTTOM. This was a great plan in theory. He writes out his spelling words effortlessly and then starts looking up words in the paper to cut out. Therein lies the challenge. Do you know how random it would have to be to have some of these words in the newspaper? Worm? Verb? I mean, first of all, he's in third grade, he's been spelling worm and verb for a few years now. Secondly, unless I find a story about verb using worm, I'm shit out of luck. The tears start again. Oy! I feel for the kid, I know you want to have this done but it is not possible time wise. We haven't found ONE word in all of USA Today so far and school starts in five minutes. 

I'm starting to get upset for him then he shrugs it off, "I guess I could use my homework pass."

Me: "Homework pass?" 

Ashton: "Yeah, if I turn in my pass, I won't have to do it at all. I bought it with Kady Kash and so I guess I could use it. "

I'm fluckin' irritated as all hell now. This mo fo had me running in stores looking like some nightmare and purchasing nonsense crap I have at home to do a homework assignment that you really could've gotten a pass on from minute one? REALLY? He skips into school leaving me with the diva who is now insisting she has to pee RIGHT NOW. Flucking hell man! We go to the gas station and THANK GAWD I have Clorox wipes in my car so I can attempt to disinfect this ecoli and mad cow disease ridden public restroom somewhat before allowing my daughter to make a sissy. I hate public restrooms, you don't know who or what used them last *shudder* She goes, we wash hands and high tail it out of there.

I'm thinking after that morning, I ought to be smooth sailing now. WRONG. I get stuck behind a fool that at sight of ONE SNOWFLAKE slows down to half the speed limit. I shit you not. HALF. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a good driver but even I can handle A SNOWFLAKE without losing control of the ability to use my right foot to accelerate. Finally, after passing this inept douchebag, I get home to let my coalition of ill behaved flat faces out to potty at the exact time that the snow really starts coming down. 

Some dogs love the snow. Cullen, Joey and Tru don't seem to mind as long as it isn't below freezing. Bella, however, is not so happy about this fact. She walks onto the deck, stops cold and starts shaking in a pathetic state. Eventually, they all go and we go back inside and I'm wiping paws down. I fed the feline that lives here and left the cat food container sitting on the kitchen table while I clean up the snowy paw prints on the kitchen floor and at some point, Joey barks, Sookie hisses and jumps up on the table, knocking the cat food everywhere. EVERY FLUCKING WHERE. The pugs have just lost their ever lovin' minds, shoving their faces to the floor to devour every piece of cat foot they can find and in the process have knocked over their water and made a huge flucking mess. Not to be outdone, Sophie comes running through the house, straight into the kitchen and busts her ass in this water / cat foot tsunami. 

All I'm sayin is, if you catch me drinkin before noon, don't judge.

Tiref*ck!

Life in Mimiland is never dull and today only further proved this point. After depositing the xy chromosomes in educationland, Sophie Anabelle and I made our trek home, singing happily to the radio when we happened to pass a FIRETRUCK. This, of course, sends her into a monologue about her trip to the firestation with her preschool class. She went into great detail about the station, the beds, the television and kitchen, you know, all that way important stuff that all four year olds cannot live without. Then she says, "We saw two cute firemen and got to get on the *TIREFUCK*!" My head snaps up. I've made it no secret that I adore profanity, it makes me happy and I can use it with such eloquence and grace that it is truly astounding! However, I do not EVER want this profanity to leave the lips of my stunning preschool princess. EVER. Surely, I heard wrong, right? I clear my throat, "You did what?" Now I'm convinced I must have misinterpreted what she said. Really, this nonsense just isn't possible. She repeats herself with more force, "We got on the *tirefuck* and they turned on the woowoo's (sirens)." Tirefuck? Tirefuck? What in the blue hell is a tirefuck and how the hell did my daughter learn about it? I'm wracking my brain, what the hell is a dayum tirefuck?? OH!!! I have it! "Do you mean a FIRETRUCK?" She nods happily, "Yeah Mom, that's what I said. A tirefuck!" Ahhh, alright. Tirefuck it is!!

Just another Friday in MimiLand!

Oh. My. God. Eff word! Oy! Fluck! I take the xy chromosomes to school, come home and Princess Lady had requested the gourmet breakfast of Eggos,this is a masterpiece that I am capable of "cooking".

Eggos are started, pugs are fed....hell, I even fed the feline that resides here. This is truly the most action my kitchen has seen in months.

Eggos pop up and I'm checking to ensure the syrup is warm. Not looking, I masterfully open the cabinet to obtain the almighty hello kitty plate that Princess Lady requires for her royal meals.

Apparently, I didn't shut the cabinet door....so, in my gung ho movement to get the mother effin Eggos out of the mother effin toaster,I smacked FACE EFFIN FIRST right into the cabinet door. SMACK!!<---THAT WAS ME.

Silence was rather brief before a profanity laced tirade poured from my very proper,ladylike mouth. My hand to God, Oprah and Tom Cruise, I saw stars. I am not entirely sure I didn't pee a little. I look over, Sophie Anabelle is happily twirling in the center of the room, oblivious to the entire incident. The flat faces are staring at me with fear and humor on humor faces.... then Cullen pisses in the floor. Yes, its Friday in MimiLand!

Say it with me!! Hallelujah!!

I'm so excited I could jump for joy, I could pee my pants, I could scream for joy at the top of my lungs. Tomorrow is the day I have been anxiously awaiting since about day two of winter vacation.

Don't get me wrong people, we had a  lot of fun, we did a lot of things and bonded over Harry Potter, star gazing, and Pug nonsense. We read books,played games and watched YouTube endlessly. We enjoyed a stellar holiday with amazing people and somehow completely effed the perfect and functional routine we had going on.

Late bedtimes. By late bedtimes, I mean almost non-effing-existent. Were you aware that the mere mention of bedtime evokes the feeling of instant urination in all three children at the same time? As it turns out, this feeling will last at least an hour, maybe two...concurrently despite the unforseen trips to the restroom to rectify this situation.

Bedtime also brings to mind random and very detailed information that must be relayed to Mommie intermittently every few minutes until a look of annoyance and borderline rage flashes across her face. This fearless trio is not detoured, the grand inquisition continues until Mommie Dearest emerges and DSi's are confiscated and Little Orphan Annie is THISCLOSE to being a dvd of nonexistence.

Oy! Now I'm parched, Mimi time has *finally* arrived....right?? Guess again!! Nah, this is the time where one of three (and you never know which one) will have an asinine crisis. The most recent being the loss of Rapunzels essential accessory,her crown. Yes, this ranks up high within my biggest lifes worries. World peace, equality for everyone, ending bullying and ya know, finding this psuedo Barbies's crown. Fluck.

Once its all said and done, the lunatics are asleep, the pugs are snoring and quiet time in MimiLand shall commence, except its now my bedtime. Wtf!

Typically, we can get this bedtime tomfoolery wrapped up in 30 minutes or less, unfortunately, vacation derailed this train violently. I've been trying to get us back into the routine with absolutely no results whatsoever. These beautiful jerks will not go to sleep at the required appointment with dreamland. Do they not understand how important sleep is, or how crucial Mimi time is??? Clearly, not. After eventually falling asleep unbelievably late, these weirdos wake up before God and the sun wanting to talk about cereal and ihop. Dude!?!

Mornings are not my finest hours in life. I'm tired, cold, annoyed and almost a mute. I don't want to talk to anyone,nor do I wish to be talked to. In fact, I want to go right back to bed. My children share this distaste for mornings and therefore,it is usually a nonevent. Not on vacation. With only a few small hours of sleep under their belts,they are having "Oprah's lightbulb moments" left and right and they need to verbalize this shenanigans right effing now!!

Once they've been fueled with the most yummy pop tarts available at Target, they're on full annoyance search and destroy missions. Overachievers. Oy! It's an insane clusterfuck of bickering, rattling and pugs snorting,really!?!

The light at the end of the tunnel is *finally* here!! Tomorrow, I get to drop them off and know they're in phenomenal, professional care!!!!! Yaaay!!

Domestically Challenged

Let me first say, it isn't that I don't care, it is simply that I don't want to. I'm a competitive person and a self admitted poor sport. Don't worry, I'm not going to pull a Tyson and bite your ear off in an unsportsmanlike rampage but if I have the knowledge that I'm not particularly good at something, I prefer to focus my attention elsewhere.

I've never really enjoyed cooking,cleaning,grocery shopping or anything that requires me to spend asinine amounts of time doing something that will quickly be eaten and gone, made filthy once again or reorganized shortly after I've just organized it. Unfortunately,these desires do not always sit well with my OCD but my ADD and lack of attention makes all of this nonsense balance. Go ahead,wrap your mind around that.

So,in all of this holiday nonsense and my two penis havers and miss diva being home on break, things in Mimiland are slightly amiss. I love these lunatics more than life,I'd do absolutely anything for them day or night HOWEVER, I'll be the first to admit, they're driving me to the land of no return.

No Pacey, I don't have any earthly idea of how telescopes are.put together and try as I might, at 32 years of age, I cannot pick a constellation out of the sky to save my life. I *want* to assist you,I really do little dude but I truly cannot. Any star nerds.here?? Help!!

Ashton Michael, I enjoy playing board games with you. Hell, the Mommie in me even enjoys allowing you to beat me at Scrabble when we both know that I'm a word nerd and a phenomenal speller. What I do not want to do is play scrabble,yahtzee, sorry,connect four, monopoly,apples to apples and cranium RIGHT NOW. I also cannot figure out how to construct a battleship out of some kit. I was not gifted with the crafty gene. But by all means,keep asking me over and over and over again....just in case.

That leaves us with the way fabulous Miss Sophie Anabelle that insists on hourly costume changes, costume changes for her ensamble of Princess Barbies and alas costume changes for her imaginary friends "Shaddy" and Shaddy Boa". Oy! Then Miss lady insists we do makeovers and tea. Now we all know, I love makeovers and costume changes but this chick is BOSSY and her make up applications leave much to be desired. When Tammy Faye Baker is upstaged.....there is an issue.

As you can see, MimiLand is being overrun by little people....and they're undeniably selfish. Sheesh. Motherhood is super not as fashionable as you might imagine.

Suffice it to say,in an attempt to retain what little sanity was.left, I *might* have ignored unnecessary domestic slave labor. Instead, I opted to use and wear almost every single item of clothing in MimiLand as opposed to doing laundry. Domestic or not, I love the smell of clean laundry.....just not enough to actually do it. Yes, I have the ability, I lack the gumption.

Getting to my last pair of clean jeans, socks,etc.....I bit the bullet and washed every single piece of worn clothing in the house....and car. Yes, car. Sometimes I just have to change. After it all smelled lovely,I piled it all on my king sized bed and resigned myself to the fact that folding,hanging and putting away all these devine smelling fabrics was my fate.

I shut myself in my room and stared at this heap of cleanliness,I could easily spot a few of my favorite things. Naturally,I stared some more and texted Lori. I texted Lori some more,then Amber and Jessica. Then I checked Facebook, read a few of my favorite blogs and turned on Pandora. You'd be surprised how much I can avoid when I'm listening to Pandora and texting. Bruno Mars and I had a moment *sigh* I folded a shirt, hung up another,WAHOO!

Then a song came on I had to sing along to...off key....blissfully aware that singing is not my forte. Then, of course, I had to YouTube it. Afterwards, I checked Victoria's Secret website, holy shit!!! A sale. Another 30 minutes gone.

It was at this time I felt it imperative to send a cry for help in the form of a photo. Here's the thing people, I know this needs done. I want it done and put away nicely, I just don't want to be the one to do it. I fold a little more,text more than that and play more fun music and still, there's so much left to do. Sigh.

Guess what?? In MimiLand, a musical might help. The Book of Mormon??? YES! I text Amber, we really must see this Broadway sensation, and while we're at it, Darren Criss will be on Broadway too! GIRL TRIP!!!!!

You know what might help?? A drink!! Yes,that's it. After my texting has died down, people on Facebook have gone about their lives and I have managed to bore myself, I suck it up and fold,hang and put away all of the laundry. Lord.

I said all of that to say this, I know so many amazing women who go to the grocery, plan and execute big,delicious meals,clean the kitchen and then go about their next task. Here I am, drooling on the VS site,taking inventory of my shoes and wishing I had a maid. Truly, I have zero use for a kitchen. It would make an impeccable and large closet....hmmm.

I *bowdown* to all of you domestic goddesses! You are astounding!!

Goodbye 2011...almost

It has certainly been one hell of a year, many down points but overall,I've been beyond blessed by the phenomenal people and pugs around me!

A quick rundown of jackassery that was not of my liking. Hmmm,let's see. Remember Sally Saturn? She was totally simple but I adored her and she took me everywhere I wanted to go safely and on time.....well, when *i* was on time anyway. One day, after taking thing one and thing two to school to get their education on, I turn a corner at the speed of barely moving and both front air bags deploy. Now,before you ask, I hit nothing. I'm a self admitted shitty driver,however,this time it was a clean turn, then *boom*

You know those car commercials with the test dummies and the airbags save the day? Let me be the first to assure you that those sumbitches are not soft and pillowy like commercials imply. And when they deploy,it smells like ass. Both my arms started to burn, then bruised immediately. It looked atrocious and felt worse but I healed quickly, Sally was restored and life in MimiLand went on as usual!

In June, on the last day of school, after an exhausting day at the kids school for Field Day, we left the school and headed on the highway towards Miami County. Out of nowhere, the steering wheel jerked to the left and I pulled to the shoulder of the road thinking we had a blow out. I put the hazards on and get out of the car, a very nice man stopped to help and noticed smoke coming from the car, he popped the hood and flames were shooting from beneath the hood. I think I temporarily lost ky shit,yelling for the boys to get out of the car while pulling them out of the car. I'm thankful Sophie was with my mom that day because her carseat would've proven to be such a.challenge and the fire was spreading quickly.

We got out and this very nice man took us somewhere safe,I called 911. The kids were hysterical, upset about the fire and crushed that their end of the year awards were gone forever.

The car was completely totalled, the boys awards,carseats and a billion cd's and my purse were gone but we were all safe!

Shortly before Ashton's 8th birthday, we had another minor setback. After a brain lapse by yours truly,I left an unattended candle in the ladies room and my very smart daughter,who had just visited the firestation and taught me all her fire safety knowledge, decided that dipping Kleenex in this candle would he phenomenal....and then tossing it in the trash for good measure. As it turns out,that is a recipe for a rather nice fire!

Sophie hid,Ashton walked by the bathroom,acted as a screeching alarm and alerted us immediately and it was just in time.

We were displaced for a few weeks but after some remodeling and a few mental breakdowns, all systems are a go! Whew!

On to the upside, I've met some really outstanding people this year!

There is the lovely Mommie to Salinger and Toby, Laura. She makes me laugh, has a generous heart and is an insane cook! She has also introduced me to the term jackassery,loves. I'm very much looking forward to our shoe date!

I must admit, I've been a lucky girl in the family department. We aren't very similar, we don't agree on much but I love these lunatics.

This year, I've been lucky enough to gain another sister and mom!  There is the ultra fabulous Lori, Otto's mom. As I've talked about before, Miss Lori has had one helluva mental and physical journey. We connected instantly, bonding especially over my baby pugs and her unbreakable love for her children.

As the put babies grew, little Otto stood out as the healer of the.group. Essentially,he was Sophie Anabelle's wing man and assistant 24-7. He sat in her baby stroller dutifully,being pushed all over this house and many walks on the walk way. He picked up the.kids everyday from school and I cannot confirm or deny his numerous undercover Target shopping trips. Everywhere he went, people fell in love. Dog people,cat people, happy people,sad people and everytime, without fail, he stole their hearts. His personality just begs to please the one he loves most and that is his Mommie,Lori.

Lori is the most loyal,honest and good hearted woman in the world. She is full of spirit,laughter and love. This year has been especially difficult for her with the enforced "disconnection" from her adult children, but she continues to astound me with her strength and integrity.

Otto had quite a few hiccups on his journey to California, I think Lori and I were both on pins and needles until he was safe in her arms! We texted each other constantly until I received the photo of Otto in her arms. He is such a California pug, charming everyone he meets and keeping a smile on his Mommie's face even in the  toughest moments. She is a remarkable friend and a stellar "sister".

Nonie,Lori's mom, is equally amazing. Without question,she accepted me into her life,heart and family and I'm incredibly lucky to have such a fabulous second Mom.

As always, I have my group of girls that entertain and tolerate me in public, God bless their brave souls. We even held the most amazing friends Thanksgiving,I cannot wait for next year. Amber,Jessica,Heather, I look forward to more hot tubbin,comedy club goin, lube jar drinkin shenanigans. I love you girls!

And my Kellie,I MISS YOU!!

Friends are the family you choose, the ones who stand beside you when all else seems to be falling apart.

I *almost* died!

Dear Jillian Michaels-----EFF you!

Lawd. Let me first say that I do not want Jillian Michaels body, I want most of it but I would elect to keep my boobs. In any event, to attempt to offset my plans to drink and gorge myself with yummy delights, I would step up my work out game. By "step up", I mean work out at all. Oy!

On hand, I have two dvd's of the excersize variety in possession. I'm not ashamed to admit that on more than one occasion I have watched the entire dvd with my ass planted firmly on the couch, devouring every morsel of a nachoes bell grander minus tomatoes and nacho cheese and beans.....aww screw it....its the chips with double beef, sour cream,lettuce and enough shredded cheese to feed a village in Uganda. And its scrumptious!

As it happened, Jillian was the first one in arms reach. Thirty day shred, I've got this. See,as you are well aware, my delusions have allowed me an unhealthy and grandiose self esteem. I know this because ill get dressed up for an epic girls night out and see photos afterward that is visual proof that I looked like a lumberjack. Ugh.

The dvd starts, let's stretch. Stretching commences and I'll admit, it feels good. I've drawn a crowd of flat faces watching with sheer concern on their faces. They know Mommie prefers to lounge in her chair and watch True Blood or Dexter as opposed to a scrawny chick with cohorts running around willy nilly. They are correct, Facebook misses me, I have unanswered texts and cinnamon bread in the kitchen.

This bitch went bananas in some circuit training frenzy. Jumping jacks,some horrific squat jump nonsense and push ups and do it again and spin around three times, bend over and kiss your ass good bye.

Now I'm just pissed, false effin advertising!!! I was promised a SHRED, a fluckin SHRED. This does not a shred make. It was a.Holy war, a massacre, an assassination of my soul and spirit.

At the end, for roughly thirty seconds, there's a cool down. Cool down my ASS. My entire body was numb and on fire, seriously, even my vagina hurt. The room started to fade, I saw WHITE. My life flashed before my eyes.....this has to be abusive.

Fast forward to today, I'm lounging on the couch and SWEETMOTHEROFGOD a pain shot through my left leg with a fury that could've only been rivaled by Oprah and Tom Cruise. It was the most asstastic cramp.....morphine anyone??

I'm truly afraid of what that sadistic wench has done to my mental well being.

Proof of lumberjack photogenic status is posted above, I thought I was giving Heidi Klum a run for her money, Oy! Nancy Grace maybe.

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